Unsure if he (34/M) is for real... please help!

32/F here. I live in Europe, and just got a contract extension so it looks like I’ll be staying this side of the pond longer. Over Christmas when visiting fam in the US, I reconnected with my friend, Calvin (34/M). Since then, we’ve talked on the phone everyday and although we don’t have the title “relationship,” we are essentially dating

Calvin is 34 and has never lived independently outside of college (he lives with his mom now). He’s an essential worker, so hasn’t been badly affected ($) by the pandemic, he smokes weed everyday, and he has a lot of student debt. Calvin hasn’t had a partner in 10 years. He justifies still living with mom to pay off his outrageous student debt. He justified not having had a partner bc he lives with his mom and she’s very Catholic. (None of the above bothered me...)

Calvin has wanted to move to LA to become an actor. I support him in his dreams, even if they don’t involve me. For the past 5 years (prior to us hanging out), this has been his stated goal and it hasn’t happened. He’s justified his lack of action because he’s in so “much student debt”. Pre-quarantine, he would go out with his friends 3-4 days a week. When I found out he makes $50k/year, and that he could’ve easily paid off his student debt in a year or two, it just made me realize that I’m probably obsessed over someone who has a Peter Pan complex... (OK, red flags)

Problem: I’ve invited Calvin to live in Europe with me, and to try his hand at acting in a major city here. I think it would be less pressure (and obviously a hell of a lot cheaper) than LA. On top of that, he’d have healthcare, a good work-life balance, the pandemic is expected to be managed MUCH sooner and better than America, and ofc, we’d be together. Obviously, it was an emotional risk for me asking him, and I realize that I may have to help him financially. But I don’t care, I love him, and I WANT to help him. I know he’s a great actor and will thrive. He said “no”. When I asked why, he said because he is “moving to LA as soon as social distancing is over....” -__- He is so strongly convinced that this is his only and true path and that he must do it before he “gets too old.” I made it clear to him that I wasn’t trying to get in the way of his dreams, but that simply moving out of his mom’s house PERIOD would probably be a good start on his journey to independence that he wants. (He is constantly beating himself up about his life position... he isn’t proud of it). He holds firm on his decision.

Am I in love with a delusional person?

I am absolutely obsessed with Calvin. On so many levels I just feel like we “get” each other, we belong together, and I would do a lot for him, but I fear he has a limited ability to plan long term. Him saying “no” was just such a slap in the face - not for the fact that he said no, but his logic... it just makes me think he’s delusional/has grandiose narcissism or something

Request for advice: While I usually would just hop on a dating app and try to find someone else (in person) to get my mind off someone I’m obsessed with, I can’t very well do that now. I’m trying so hard to accept that there isn’t going to be a “we”... Help!

Submitted May 03, 2020 at 12:06AM

32/F here. I live in Europe, and just got a contract extension so it looks like I’ll be staying this side of the pond longer. Over Christmas when visiting fam in the US, I reconnected with my friend, Calvin (34/M). Since then, we’ve talked on the phone everyday and although we don’t have the title “relationship,” we are essentially datingCalvin is 34 and has never lived independently outside of college (he lives with his mom now). He’s an essential worker, so hasn’t been badly affected ($) by the pandemic, he smokes weed everyday, and he has a lot of student debt. Calvin hasn’t had a partner in 10 years. He justifies still living with mom to pay off his outrageous student debt. He justified not having had a partner bc he lives with his mom and she’s very Catholic. (None of the above bothered me...)Calvin has wanted to move to LA to become an actor. I support him in his dreams, even if they don’t involve me. For the past 5 years (prior to us hanging out), this has been his stated goal and it hasn’t happened. He’s justified his lack of action because he’s in so “much student debt”. Pre-quarantine, he would go out with his friends 3-4 days a week. When I found out he makes $50k/year, and that he could’ve easily paid off his student debt in a year or two, it just made me realize that I’m probably obsessed over someone who has a Peter Pan complex... (OK, red flags)Problem: I’ve invited Calvin to live in Europe with me, and to try his hand at acting in a major city here. I think it would be less pressure (and obviously a hell of a lot cheaper) than LA. On top of that, he’d have healthcare, a good work-life balance, the pandemic is expected to be managed MUCH sooner and better than America, and ofc, we’d be together. Obviously, it was an emotional risk for me asking him, and I realize that I may have to help him financially. But I don’t care, I love him, and I WANT to help him. I know he’s a great actor and will thrive. He said “no”. When I asked why, he said because he is “moving to LA as soon as social distancing is over....” -__- He is so strongly convinced that this is his only and true path and that he must do it before he “gets too old.” I made it clear to him that I wasn’t trying to get in the way of his dreams, but that simply moving out of his mom’s house PERIOD would probably be a good start on his journey to independence that he wants. (He is constantly beating himself up about his life position... he isn’t proud of it). He holds firm on his decision.Am I in love with a delusional person?I am absolutely obsessed with Calvin. On so many levels I just feel like we “get” each other, we belong together, and I would do a lot for him, but I fear he has a limited ability to plan long term. Him saying “no” was just such a slap in the face - not for the fact that he said no, but his logic... it just makes me think he’s delusional/has grandiose narcissism or somethingRequest for advice: While I usually would just hop on a dating app and try to find someone else (in person) to get my mind off someone I’m obsessed with, I can’t very well do that now. I’m trying so hard to accept that there isn’t going to be a “we”... Help!