Scared to be vulnerable and intimate with someone

I have never been in a relationship or been sexual intimate with a man. I have fooled around a little bit but it never lead to penetration. I generally view relationships as something negative, l tend to think of them as a trap or a burden...something for people who are just scared to be alone. I have never actually wanted a boyfriend. I have been deeply attracted to a few guys and I really liked and desired them. Although, I still did not want a relationship or anything from them. I’m a very independent women and I like my own space. The idea of being in a relationship terrifies me. Just the idea of it makes me feel suffocated. To be vulnerable and to share myself with someone...it just seems so difficult...relationship have always been something for other people. I don’t even act like I am datable or try to put out that energy that I am interested.

For most of my life, I was just the nerdy girl that focused on her studies and career. I’m 33 years old now and I still haven’t changed the way I think about relationships. In some ways I still feel like a bottled up teenager that doesn’t want to let anyone in. I don’t know if I’m really independent or just very avoidant. I’m writing this post mostly just to say this “out loud” and to hear from other people’s experiences.

Thankfully, I don’t have a history of sexual abuse and for the most part I think I’m a normal person. My parents have a very silent marriage and it probably caused me to develop some of the negative thoughts that I have about relationships. I’ve struggled with my body image my whole life and I never really thought of myself as a sexually desirable women, which is probably why I post naked pictures of myself so I can feel desirable and then maybe start to believe it myself.

I have a healthy sex drive. I masturbate almost daily and usually think about other women to get turned on. I’m finally starting to accept that I am attracted to women as well and I think I’m bisexual. I have experimented with women but honestly I didn’t really enjoy it too much..maybe I just like the fantasy of it? I’m confused about my sexuality and myself.. I feel like I have the problems of a teenager. That all of this was something I should have figured out years ago.

Any constructive advice is welcomed...thanks :)

Submitted May 03, 2020 at 11:48PM

I have never been in a relationship or been sexual intimate with a man. I have fooled around a little bit but it never lead to penetration. I generally view relationships as something negative, l tend to think of them as a trap or a burden...something for people who are just scared to be alone. I have never actually wanted a boyfriend. I have been deeply attracted to a few guys and I really liked and desired them. Although, I still did not want a relationship or anything from them. I’m a very independent women and I like my own space. The idea of being in a relationship terrifies me. Just the idea of it makes me feel suffocated. To be vulnerable and to share myself with someone...it just seems so difficult...relationship have always been something for other people. I don’t even act like I am datable or try to put out that energy that I am interested.For most of my life, I was just the nerdy girl that focused on her studies and career. I’m 33 years old now and I still haven’t changed the way I think about relationships. In some ways I still feel like a bottled up teenager that doesn’t want to let anyone in. I don’t know if I’m really independent or just very avoidant. I’m writing this post mostly just to say this “out loud” and to hear from other people’s experiences.Thankfully, I don’t have a history of sexual abuse and for the most part I think I’m a normal person. My parents have a very silent marriage and it probably caused me to develop some of the negative thoughts that I have about relationships. I’ve struggled with my body image my whole life and I never really thought of myself as a sexually desirable women, which is probably why I post naked pictures of myself so I can feel desirable and then maybe start to believe it myself.I have a healthy sex drive. I masturbate almost daily and usually think about other women to get turned on. I’m finally starting to accept that I am attracted to women as well and I think I’m bisexual. I have experimented with women but honestly I didn’t really enjoy it too much..maybe I just like the fantasy of it? I’m confused about my sexuality and myself.. I feel like I have the problems of a teenager. That all of this was something I should have figured out years ago.Any constructive advice is welcomed...thanks :)