My [28F] siblings [20'sF, 20'sM] didn't tell me our grandmother died

My brother, sister and I haven't ever really gotten along and that's mostly due to their father. Because I wasn't "his kid" every Friday when school let out I would be sent to our grandmother's house (mom's mom) for the weekend as he only wanted "his children" around. This went on for as long as I can remember up until the age of 14/15 when him and my mother divorced. Due to that "she's not family" mentality of his in regards to myself, my brother and sister never really felt like much of a brother nor sister. Only in title.

The grandmother mentioned in the title of this post was ex step-dad's mother, brother and sister's biological grandmother. Though she wasn't my biological grandmother, I loved her all the same, as well as she loved me all the same. She made a big deal of my birthday every year up until the divorce was finalized, just as she did brother and sister's. She called me to tell me she loved me, ask if I needed supplies for school, and basically treated me the same as my siblings. She was the only one on step-dad's side of the family who greeted me with open arms and loved me as though blood didn't mean a thing. Even after her son and my mother weren't a thing anymore, she still checked in on me and made sure I was OK and wasn't going without.

Time went on, I moved out of state, and step-dad basically dominated my relationship with her afterwards. Whenever I came back to town I wasn't allowed to come over and visit her because step-dad didn't want me in his home. Sister and brother would only tell me she was "doing fine" whenever I'd ask "how's grandma?"

The last time I saw her I was visiting home and bumped into her at a bookstore. She was there with brother and step-dad. I talked to her for about two minutes, which mostly consisted of her asking why I don't call anymore (I'd always go straight to voicemail until things changed and I didn't have her number at all) and that she missed me. Ex step-dad sees her talking to me and decides everyone who came with him needs to leave now because he's done looking. He rushes her out of the store.

This afternoon, I get a text from my mother wherein she found out through step-dad's niece's Facebook that "the funeral was lovely" and "RIP Grandma". Not one person reached out to either my mom nor myself to tell us this woman we loved and considered family all this time had passed away. I understand why he wouldn't tell me about his mother passing, but ex step-dad has always been up my mom's backside to get back together, so why he didn't tell her confuses me. I found out through Googling her name with "obituary" on the end of it that she passed away about a week ago, that she was buried alongside her late husband who died when I was young. Mom and I still don't know how she passed and that entire side of the family is being tight-lipped about it as though we'd do some harm with the information.

I feel betrayed by my siblings.

I feel surprised that even though this man hasn't been active in my life, hasn't been able to mentally nor physically abuse me anymore for the past 14 years, that he is still able to hurt me without me even being in the same state nor in contact with me.

I don't know what to do and I am struggling to cry to relieve myself of the copious amount of grief for this woman I feel building up in my chest.

Should I confront my siblings? Should I confront my abuser/their father? Should I ignore this situation and move on with life? Should I go home and see the spot where she's buried to deal with this grief?

I am frozen in a cluster fuck of emotion I do not know how to process. Reddit.

Any advice would be phenomenal as long as it is helpful or productive.

TL;DR: My brother and sister's biological father hasn't ever seen me as one of the family and has prevented me from being able to have a relationship with his mother, despite her being welcoming of me as a child in his household. That same woman passed away a week ago and not him, my brother, nor my sister reached out to inform myself nor my mother of the loss. My mother found out through a Facebook post of sibling's cousin that "funeral was nice" and "RIP Grandma". Should I confront them about this or push it down deep and move on?

Submitted April 12, 2020 at 12:00AM

My brother, sister and I haven't ever really gotten along and that's mostly due to their father. Because I wasn't "his kid" every Friday when school let out I would be sent to our grandmother's house (mom's mom) for the weekend as he only wanted "his children" around. This went on for as long as I can remember up until the age of 14/15 when him and my mother divorced. Due to that "she's not family" mentality of his in regards to myself, my brother and sister never really felt like much of a brother nor sister. Only in title.The grandmother mentioned in the title of this post was ex step-dad's mother, brother and sister's biological grandmother. Though she wasn't my biological grandmother, I loved her all the same, as well as she loved me all the same. She made a big deal of my birthday every year up until the divorce was finalized, just as she did brother and sister's. She called me to tell me she loved me, ask if I needed supplies for school, and basically treated me the same as my siblings. She was the only one on step-dad's side of the family who greeted me with open arms and loved me as though blood didn't mean a thing. Even after her son and my mother weren't a thing anymore, she still checked in on me and made sure I was OK and wasn't going without.Time went on, I moved out of state, and step-dad basically dominated my relationship with her afterwards. Whenever I came back to town I wasn't allowed to come over and visit her because step-dad didn't want me in his home. Sister and brother would only tell me she was "doing fine" whenever I'd ask "how's grandma?"The last time I saw her I was visiting home and bumped into her at a bookstore. She was there with brother and step-dad. I talked to her for about two minutes, which mostly consisted of her asking why I don't call anymore (I'd always go straight to voicemail until things changed and I didn't have her number at all) and that she missed me. Ex step-dad sees her talking to me and decides everyone who came with him needs to leave now because he's done looking. He rushes her out of the store.This afternoon, I get a text from my mother wherein she found out through step-dad's niece's Facebook that "the funeral was lovely" and "RIP Grandma". Not one person reached out to either my mom nor myself to tell us this woman we loved and considered family all this time had passed away. I understand why he wouldn't tell me about his mother passing, but ex step-dad has always been up my mom's backside to get back together, so why he didn't tell her confuses me. I found out through Googling her name with "obituary" on the end of it that she passed away about a week ago, that she was buried alongside her late husband who died when I was young. Mom and I still don't know how she passed and that entire side of the family is being tight-lipped about it as though we'd do some harm with the information.I feel betrayed by my siblings.I feel surprised that even though this man hasn't been active in my life, hasn't been able to mentally nor physically abuse me anymore for the past 14 years, that he is still able to hurt me without me even being in the same state nor in contact with me.I don't know what to do and I am struggling to cry to relieve myself of the copious amount of grief for this woman I feel building up in my chest.Should I confront my siblings? Should I confront my abuser/their father? Should I ignore this situation and move on with life? Should I go home and see the spot where she's buried to deal with this grief?I am frozen in a cluster fuck of emotion I do not know how to process. Reddit.Any advice would be phenomenal as long as it is helpful or productive.TL;DR: My brother and sister's biological father hasn't ever seen me as one of the family and has prevented me from being able to have a relationship with his mother, despite her being welcoming of me as a child in his household. That same woman passed away a week ago and not him, my brother, nor my sister reached out to inform myself nor my mother of the loss. My mother found out through a Facebook post of sibling's cousin that "funeral was nice" and "RIP Grandma". Should I confront them about this or push it down deep and move on?