My (23F) dad (47M) is an ice addict and I don’t know how to deal with it anymore

My dad has been a drug addict my whole life. He has always come in and out of my life through the years. He mostly kept his distance because he didn’t want to hurt me. I have an amazing grandmother who has always tried to compensate for his absence as well as always picking up his pieces.

I have had a lot of horrible experiences from his history of drug abuse, throughout my teenage years from when I was 11 I would get phone calls from random people saying that if I didn’t give them money that he owed they would hurt him. Then the next day or next week he would be found beat up in a gutter somewhere. This was so traumatising as I would always think it was my fault, my mum and step dad would change my number (I only had a phone for when I would go to school or to contact my family). Sometimes he would come to my grandparents on ice and try to hurt them. He never hurt me.

When I was 17 in my high school exams (HSC in Australia) I had turned up at my grandparents one afternoon to find out that my dad had a drug induced seizure and fell onto some exposed wires and water in his apartment and suffered severe burns to the right side of his body. He was in a coma for 20days and the doctors doubted he would pull through. He lost his right arm in the process and had multiple skin grafts all over the right side of his body. He spent 3 months in the burns unit and over a year in rehabilitation (he ran away multiple times to get high with a friend he met there).

I thought that this experience would change him, no rehab centre worked before but maybe a near death experience?

Since I turned 18, I have felt like I should be responsible for my father, my grandma is getting older and I don’t want her to stress anymore, she has spent many sleepless nights worrying about her youngest son. She has sacrificed so much for him. The past 5 years I have tried to ease the burden, I have taken him to appointments for all of his health issues and his councillors, I have taken him out for dinner every week and I do grocery shopping with him. My partner is very supportive and tries to help in any way he can.

My dad keeps telling me he’s not on drugs any more or he’s going to stop or he wants to go to rehab but then I have to go pick him up from his friends place because he is too stoned to walk.

8 months ago I almost hit breaking point, I spent 4 hours with him in emergency because he couldn’t walk because he ‘hurt his leg’ at his friends place but couldn’t remember anything. He was beat up by them because he couldn’t pay them. I took him home and the next day had to take him back to hospital and it turns out he had a serious staff infection from it and his lowered inmune system from the drugs. He spent 4 months in hospital and almost lost his leg/died from it. He promised me he would get help and do everything he can to stop. He at least quit smoking and still doesn’t smoke now. But within a week he was gone again. He overdosed and spent another bit of time in hospital.

He finally called a rehab centre to get help and they told him he needed to be clean for 2 weeks. Every time I have taken him to an appointment for the rehab he hasn’t passed as he hasn’t been clean. I feel like everytime I take him my hear breaks even more and I don’t know if I can keep doing it but then I feel guilty and feel like it’s my fault if I abandon him.

How do I keep helping someone who doesn’t help himself? I feel like I am fighting a losing battle but I am so scared that one day I’m going to give up and in doing so I’m going to find him dead somewhere. I love him so much and I know that I am the only thing that keeps him going. I know he loves me but I feel like giving up. If I forget to Call him one day I feel like it’s my fault if he’s high the next day and I am eaten up with guilt. I am not feeling sorry for myself I feel helpless for him I feel so guilty if I don’t help him. Is there someone that can relate to this? How do you get through it?

TLDR: my father is a drug addict and I look after his finances/appointments etc. I feel like giving up, but I love him too much to abandon him.

Submitted January 08, 2020 at 12:03AM

My dad has been a drug addict my whole life. He has always come in and out of my life through the years. He mostly kept his distance because he didn’t want to hurt me. I have an amazing grandmother who has always tried to compensate for his absence as well as always picking up his pieces.I have had a lot of horrible experiences from his history of drug abuse, throughout my teenage years from when I was 11 I would get phone calls from random people saying that if I didn’t give them money that he owed they would hurt him. Then the next day or next week he would be found beat up in a gutter somewhere. This was so traumatising as I would always think it was my fault, my mum and step dad would change my number (I only had a phone for when I would go to school or to contact my family). Sometimes he would come to my grandparents on ice and try to hurt them. He never hurt me.When I was 17 in my high school exams (HSC in Australia) I had turned up at my grandparents one afternoon to find out that my dad had a drug induced seizure and fell onto some exposed wires and water in his apartment and suffered severe burns to the right side of his body. He was in a coma for 20days and the doctors doubted he would pull through. He lost his right arm in the process and had multiple skin grafts all over the right side of his body. He spent 3 months in the burns unit and over a year in rehabilitation (he ran away multiple times to get high with a friend he met there).I thought that this experience would change him, no rehab centre worked before but maybe a near death experience?Since I turned 18, I have felt like I should be responsible for my father, my grandma is getting older and I don’t want her to stress anymore, she has spent many sleepless nights worrying about her youngest son. She has sacrificed so much for him. The past 5 years I have tried to ease the burden, I have taken him to appointments for all of his health issues and his councillors, I have taken him out for dinner every week and I do grocery shopping with him. My partner is very supportive and tries to help in any way he can.My dad keeps telling me he’s not on drugs any more or he’s going to stop or he wants to go to rehab but then I have to go pick him up from his friends place because he is too stoned to walk.8 months ago I almost hit breaking point, I spent 4 hours with him in emergency because he couldn’t walk because he ‘hurt his leg’ at his friends place but couldn’t remember anything. He was beat up by them because he couldn’t pay them. I took him home and the next day had to take him back to hospital and it turns out he had a serious staff infection from it and his lowered inmune system from the drugs. He spent 4 months in hospital and almost lost his leg/died from it. He promised me he would get help and do everything he can to stop. He at least quit smoking and still doesn’t smoke now. But within a week he was gone again. He overdosed and spent another bit of time in hospital.He finally called a rehab centre to get help and they told him he needed to be clean for 2 weeks. Every time I have taken him to an appointment for the rehab he hasn’t passed as he hasn’t been clean. I feel like everytime I take him my hear breaks even more and I don’t know if I can keep doing it but then I feel guilty and feel like it’s my fault if I abandon him.How do I keep helping someone who doesn’t help himself? I feel like I am fighting a losing battle but I am so scared that one day I’m going to give up and in doing so I’m going to find him dead somewhere. I love him so much and I know that I am the only thing that keeps him going. I know he loves me but I feel like giving up. If I forget to Call him one day I feel like it’s my fault if he’s high the next day and I am eaten up with guilt. I am not feeling sorry for myself I feel helpless for him I feel so guilty if I don’t help him. Is there someone that can relate to this? How do you get through it?TLDR: my father is a drug addict and I look after his finances/appointments etc. I feel like giving up, but I love him too much to abandon him.