Gf messaged guy on Tinder after we agreed to be exclusive

It sounds worse than it actually is in the title. Basically, my girlfriend and I having been dating for 2 years almost. She’s 20 and I’m 21.

When we first met, things move really quicker. We agreed to be exclusive 2 weeks after meeting each other on Tinder. However, she told me a couple months later that she continued to message this guy after we agreed to be exclusive a week or two after, although didn’t remember if she was flirting or not. The guy was polyamorous, and I know for a fact she’s not interested in any of that. She told me she never had any interest in pursuing things with him ever. When the guy offered to meet up, she said they could go to a pub or something (she said this was her way of letting things fizzle out since she was too shy to outright reject him - also this bit was before we agreed to be exclusive).

When I initially asked her if she wanted to be exclusive, she was at a ball and wasn’t able to communicate for long periods but I ultimately agreed despite saying it was fine if I didn’t want to be yet (in retrospect this was her way of saying “no” without outright saying no and causing push back). She told me she wasn’t ready to be exclusive in retrospect. I asked her why she said yes if she wasn’t ready and she said it was because from her last relationship, her ex boyfriend didn’t take people saying “no” too easily (he wasn’t rapey or anything but didn’t take rejection well) and as a result she developed an aversion to saying no to guys in fear of upsetting them. She also early on had a huge aversion to any conflict with me, and whenever we had a spat she was scared we were going to break up. So saying “no” to me was conflict she didn’t want to have, especially so early on. She acknowledged what she did was wrong, obviously.

Since then, it’s been great. She’s a loving, considerate girlfriend, and I can’t ever recall a time where she’s betrayed my trust in any way, and isn’t obviously talking with any other guys or anything nor has ever nor even considered it (we don’t mind eachother playing on eachother’s phone whenever since neither of us have anything to hide).

But for some reason, whenever I think about this it nags at me. I worry - what if the reasons she given me as to why she wasn’t ready to be exclusive were lies? What if she was trying to cheat but then went back on it? I’ve badgered her about this for far too long, and we’ve discussed this ad nauseum throughout the relationship, and I don’t see a need to launch another inquisition on her - and my insecurities come across as a lack of trust. I have complete trust in this girl - I just feel insecure about this somehow. I don’t worry about her going out, talking to boys - nothing. I just feel insecure about this I guess. How do I stop?

Does her reasoning seem okay? Should I just forget about this?

Submitted January 25, 2020 at 12:11AM

It sounds worse than it actually is in the title. Basically, my girlfriend and I having been dating for 2 years almost. She’s 20 and I’m 21.When we first met, things move really quicker. We agreed to be exclusive 2 weeks after meeting each other on Tinder. However, she told me a couple months later that she continued to message this guy after we agreed to be exclusive a week or two after, although didn’t remember if she was flirting or not. The guy was polyamorous, and I know for a fact she’s not interested in any of that. She told me she never had any interest in pursuing things with him ever. When the guy offered to meet up, she said they could go to a pub or something (she said this was her way of letting things fizzle out since she was too shy to outright reject him - also this bit was before we agreed to be exclusive).When I initially asked her if she wanted to be exclusive, she was at a ball and wasn’t able to communicate for long periods but I ultimately agreed despite saying it was fine if I didn’t want to be yet (in retrospect this was her way of saying “no” without outright saying no and causing push back). She told me she wasn’t ready to be exclusive in retrospect. I asked her why she said yes if she wasn’t ready and she said it was because from her last relationship, her ex boyfriend didn’t take people saying “no” too easily (he wasn’t rapey or anything but didn’t take rejection well) and as a result she developed an aversion to saying no to guys in fear of upsetting them. She also early on had a huge aversion to any conflict with me, and whenever we had a spat she was scared we were going to break up. So saying “no” to me was conflict she didn’t want to have, especially so early on. She acknowledged what she did was wrong, obviously.Since then, it’s been great. She’s a loving, considerate girlfriend, and I can’t ever recall a time where she’s betrayed my trust in any way, and isn’t obviously talking with any other guys or anything nor has ever nor even considered it (we don’t mind eachother playing on eachother’s phone whenever since neither of us have anything to hide).But for some reason, whenever I think about this it nags at me. I worry - what if the reasons she given me as to why she wasn’t ready to be exclusive were lies? What if she was trying to cheat but then went back on it? I’ve badgered her about this for far too long, and we’ve discussed this ad nauseum throughout the relationship, and I don’t see a need to launch another inquisition on her - and my insecurities come across as a lack of trust. I have complete trust in this girl - I just feel insecure about this somehow. I don’t worry about her going out, talking to boys - nothing. I just feel insecure about this I guess. How do I stop?Does her reasoning seem okay? Should I just forget about this?