I think I’m destined to go through this pattern of disappointment (25f)

I’m 25 years old, I’ve dated some amazing people and I’ve dated some abusive people, my relationships have gone up and down, most of them ending on good terms. I have a hard time letting go of my abuser, but I keep him at arm length and continue to wear my heart on my sleeve.

I stayed celibate for 5 years after my first abusive relationship, sex was used as a weapon for me through out my life, I’ve rarely had sex because it was my idea, I was either convinced or would agree though I didn’t really want to. I wanted my next sexual experience to be special and with my significant other should I ever have that happen.

I got out of another abusive relationship with my current ex, we lived far from each other and he ghosted me out of the blue, I’ve been hanging out with friends and unlearning bad coping skills, but I cant seem to establish a relationship with someone I’m interested in that isn’t a strictly sexual relationship. It’s like I want to have sexual relationships, that are fun and trusting with friends, but I’m tired of it. I want to settle down, I don’t want kids or anything but I’m looking for something fun and committed. I’m polyamorous and thought maybe my wants aren’t so drastic, but once again I find myself in another sexual relationship when I’ve established that those types of relationships are difficult for me to handle if it isn’t addressed early on.

I don’t have a fear of rejection but I don’t tell people that I’m interested in how I feel about them because it typically ends up with me only being wanted for sex or them saying they like me only to like portions of my personality while becoming sexually attracted to me, then only wanting a sexual relationship with me.

I think I’m just going to always deal with this, and I do my own thing anyway, I’m preparing myself mentally to always go through this and to stop dating all together.

Submitted August 26, 2019 at 11:20PM

I’m 25 years old, I’ve dated some amazing people and I’ve dated some abusive people, my relationships have gone up and down, most of them ending on good terms. I have a hard time letting go of my abuser, but I keep him at arm length and continue to wear my heart on my sleeve.I stayed celibate for 5 years after my first abusive relationship, sex was used as a weapon for me through out my life, I’ve rarely had sex because it was my idea, I was either convinced or would agree though I didn’t really want to. I wanted my next sexual experience to be special and with my significant other should I ever have that happen.I got out of another abusive relationship with my current ex, we lived far from each other and he ghosted me out of the blue, I’ve been hanging out with friends and unlearning bad coping skills, but I cant seem to establish a relationship with someone I’m interested in that isn’t a strictly sexual relationship. It’s like I want to have sexual relationships, that are fun and trusting with friends, but I’m tired of it. I want to settle down, I don’t want kids or anything but I’m looking for something fun and committed. I’m polyamorous and thought maybe my wants aren’t so drastic, but once again I find myself in another sexual relationship when I’ve established that those types of relationships are difficult for me to handle if it isn’t addressed early on.I don’t have a fear of rejection but I don’t tell people that I’m interested in how I feel about them because it typically ends up with me only being wanted for sex or them saying they like me only to like portions of my personality while becoming sexually attracted to me, then only wanting a sexual relationship with me.I think I’m just going to always deal with this, and I do my own thing anyway, I’m preparing myself mentally to always go through this and to stop dating all together.