How do I cope with not wanting my boyfriend to touch me?

TW: sexual abuse

This is a really long post, but I need help.

I was groomed by my stepfather. He only ever did light touching, but he made sexual comments about me and my body and told me his preferences, made comments like he wished he was my age so he could date me, etc.

I am very sensitive surrounding consent. My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 months and consent has been an ongoing issue, but there are things that I think are common sense. There are 2 things that really bothered me. The first, is we had been sexting and I asked him to come over, but I fell asleep. He began taking my clothes off in my sleep, and I was half awake just trying to cuddle, before I woke up and told him to stop. We discussed it (it happened 2 months ago) and I asked “other than our conversation 30 minutes prior, what was I doing in that moment to make you think I was enthusiastically consenting?” He mentioned cuddling and I reminded him that cuddling doesn’t equal sexual consent. And Then I asked him again, and he said “nothing.” There was another incident that actually sparked that conversation. We’d been having sex, he was behind me, I was bent over (I don’t like the name of this position). He was pulling me back onto him, which usually isn’t a problem but I didn’t want to do that, so I told him it didn’t feel good. He said he would stop, a minute later he began doing it again. I reminded him I didn’t want to, he said okay, but again, a minute later started doing it. Then I told him point blank to stop pulling me back and he said “sorry, I forgot,” and once again, a minute later, was pulling me back.

I have trauma from a coerced sexual encounter in college. A guy was having sex with me in that same position, I had had an orgasm but he pushed me to keep going, even though I told him it hurt and I asked him to hurry.

So after my bf forgot 3 times, I went silent. I go nonverbal sometimes when I’m triggered, and that trauma popped into my mind. I went silent. Most of the time when I go nonverbal it becomes psychologically painful for me to speak. But my bf knows when I go nonverbal he needs to stop because I’m usually pretty loud. I could still talk, but I just felt disrespected and didn’t want to tell him to stop altogether. He did stop at this point, btw.

We are going to discuss this with my therapist when we get the opportunity. But I don’t want my bf to see me change, see me in the shower, or see me use the restroom, all of those things were fine before. Even when I’m aroused and I think about asking him for sex, I think about the two things that happened and the idea of having sex with him makes me anxious. He has been very understanding about my trauma, he’s a feminist, and genuinely cares about my well-being. I truly think this is an issue of toxic masculinity and lack of discussions around sex.

He talks about how he feels weird initiating sex. I’ve asked him to just ask, because in the past my dad would cuddle me or hug me and I’m realizing his intentions were sexual. I need to know I can hug and cuddle my partner while knowing his motives are hugging and cuddling. But lately I don’t even want to kiss my bf or cuddle unless it’s me spooning him.

I don’t know what to do. I feel lost and disrespected that he forgot I said no. I’m scared, I don’t feel safe. I love him and I know he cares, but sometimes during sex he withdraws into his own head and forgets about me. He pleasures me, but he struggles to orgasm or stay hard so sometimes he focuses on that too much and doesn’t get the big picture.

Thank you for reading this long if you’ve made it this far. I don’t know what to do.

Submitted December 01, 2021 at 12:34AM

TW: sexual abuseThis is a really long post, but I need help.I was groomed by my stepfather. He only ever did light touching, but he made sexual comments about me and my body and told me his preferences, made comments like he wished he was my age so he could date me, etc.I am very sensitive surrounding consent. My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 months and consent has been an ongoing issue, but there are things that I think are common sense. There are 2 things that really bothered me. The first, is we had been sexting and I asked him to come over, but I fell asleep. He began taking my clothes off in my sleep, and I was half awake just trying to cuddle, before I woke up and told him to stop. We discussed it (it happened 2 months ago) and I asked “other than our conversation 30 minutes prior, what was I doing in that moment to make you think I was enthusiastically consenting?” He mentioned cuddling and I reminded him that cuddling doesn’t equal sexual consent. And Then I asked him again, and he said “nothing.” There was another incident that actually sparked that conversation. We’d been having sex, he was behind me, I was bent over (I don’t like the name of this position). He was pulling me back onto him, which usually isn’t a problem but I didn’t want to do that, so I told him it didn’t feel good. He said he would stop, a minute later he began doing it again. I reminded him I didn’t want to, he said okay, but again, a minute later started doing it. Then I told him point blank to stop pulling me back and he said “sorry, I forgot,” and once again, a minute later, was pulling me back.I have trauma from a coerced sexual encounter in college. A guy was having sex with me in that same position, I had had an orgasm but he pushed me to keep going, even though I told him it hurt and I asked him to hurry.So after my bf forgot 3 times, I went silent. I go nonverbal sometimes when I’m triggered, and that trauma popped into my mind. I went silent. Most of the time when I go nonverbal it becomes psychologically painful for me to speak. But my bf knows when I go nonverbal he needs to stop because I’m usually pretty loud. I could still talk, but I just felt disrespected and didn’t want to tell him to stop altogether. He did stop at this point, btw.We are going to discuss this with my therapist when we get the opportunity. But I don’t want my bf to see me change, see me in the shower, or see me use the restroom, all of those things were fine before. Even when I’m aroused and I think about asking him for sex, I think about the two things that happened and the idea of having sex with him makes me anxious. He has been very understanding about my trauma, he’s a feminist, and genuinely cares about my well-being. I truly think this is an issue of toxic masculinity and lack of discussions around sex.He talks about how he feels weird initiating sex. I’ve asked him to just ask, because in the past my dad would cuddle me or hug me and I’m realizing his intentions were sexual. I need to know I can hug and cuddle my partner while knowing his motives are hugging and cuddling. But lately I don’t even want to kiss my bf or cuddle unless it’s me spooning him.I don’t know what to do. I feel lost and disrespected that he forgot I said no. I’m scared, I don’t feel safe. I love him and I know he cares, but sometimes during sex he withdraws into his own head and forgets about me. He pleasures me, but he struggles to orgasm or stay hard so sometimes he focuses on that too much and doesn’t get the big picture.Thank you for reading this long if you’ve made it this far. I don’t know what to do.