What should I do?

(M 22) Well, it's a pretty long text, sorry. Pretty personal too, huh.

How do you find your date? I know, work, hobbies, friends of friends. But my work is a big personal project and occasional freelance (gamedev). My hobbies is pretty much gaming, science pop and some Netflix. Almost all of my friends are older then me (like 30-50 age range) and have a very different cultural codes (close enough to be friends, distant enough to be partners).

General problem is that I don't want to change my lifestyle. To be on the same page, I don't consider myself some kind of sociopath, freak or ugly person, and neither people around me. I go on the pretty long walks, I exercise, I go out to see my friends once or twice per week.

But I'm so fucking alone.

And maybe cause of my specific interests/knowledge, maybe cause of some principles, it's really hard to find even an average partner.

Almost every of my occasional Tinder dates was like this: -Hi girl's name! -Hi throw away reddit account! -So, where do you want to go? -names literally the worst cafe in the area, like with the overpriced marshmallow rainbow sweet to death coffee

Ok-ay, next.

-So, what kind of music do you like? -You know, I really love some name of pathetic pop guy, idk, Justin Bieber or Ed Sheeran

Ok-ay, next.

-So, what's your favorite movie? -Oh, I don't watch a lot of movies, but shity teenage comedy from a couple of years ago is really great!

Ok-ay, next.

-So, where do you want to go? -Oh, let's go to this nice coffee place. (Wow, nice?) -What kind of music do you like? -Complicated question, but I love Nick Cave and Cake! (Wow, really nice) -What's your favorite movie? -names some niche thing (Idk, but at least it's not a I'm popular schoolgirl kind of shit) -So you want to... Girl does/says something absolutely insane/douchie

Ok-ay, next.

I don't want to look like "I'm better then you" or "I'm nice" type of guy, but there's a lot of markers that important for me, and I can't ignore them.

It looks like I need a lot more time and effort to find a partner than usual person, but I don't really have neither. Also I'm have a little bit fucked up self esteem and mental health, so it's really hard to go in that ocean and don't loose my cool.

But I'm fucking lonely.

Yes, I can discuss some of my interest with friends or parents. I can even show them some respect/love and get some emotional satisfaction.

But a couple of days ago I suddenly remembered, that I lost half of my family through the winter-spring of 2012. Nothing bad or catastrophic, just cancer-AIDS-cancer with month length breaks. I was 12, and it was my first "man up, adult life looks like this" moment.

But suddenly it's not a yesterday or one year old story. It was almost 10 years ago.

I want to tell someone, how does it feel. Tell someone about anger, sadness, grief and "I don't know what to do". Tell someone that I can't remember face or voice of grandpa, and I feel so fucking guilty and sorry about it.

I want to cry, get a hug and go to nightwalk.

And I can't do it with someone. My parents are equally traumatized by those events, and I don't want to upset my mom and force her to take care of my emotions at the same time.

I can't do it with my friends, cause it's a much. They'll listen, they'll help, but we are not that close, they don't come with this types of problems to me.

I talked about it (and many other things) with the therapist, yep. It helped for like 2-3 months.

What should I do, reddit?

Submitted October 21, 2021 at 12:01AM

(M 22) Well, it's a pretty long text, sorry. Pretty personal too, huh.How do you find your date? I know, work, hobbies, friends of friends. But my work is a big personal project and occasional freelance (gamedev). My hobbies is pretty much gaming, science pop and some Netflix. Almost all of my friends are older then me (like 30-50 age range) and have a very different cultural codes (close enough to be friends, distant enough to be partners).General problem is that I don't want to change my lifestyle. To be on the same page, I don't consider myself some kind of sociopath, freak or ugly person, and neither people around me. I go on the pretty long walks, I exercise, I go out to see my friends once or twice per week.But I'm so fucking alone.And maybe cause of my specific interests/knowledge, maybe cause of some principles, it's really hard to find even an average partner.Almost every of my occasional Tinder dates was like this: -Hi girl's name! -Hi throw away reddit account! -So, where do you want to go? -names literally the worst cafe in the area, like with the overpriced marshmallow rainbow sweet to death coffeeOk-ay, next.-So, what kind of music do you like? -You know, I really love some name of pathetic pop guy, idk, Justin Bieber or Ed SheeranOk-ay, next.-So, what's your favorite movie? -Oh, I don't watch a lot of movies, but shity teenage comedy from a couple of years ago is really great!Ok-ay, next.-So, where do you want to go? -Oh, let's go to this nice coffee place. (Wow, nice?) -What kind of music do you like? -Complicated question, but I love Nick Cave and Cake! (Wow, really nice) -What's your favorite movie? -names some niche thing (Idk, but at least it's not a I'm popular schoolgirl kind of shit) -So you want to... Girl does/says something absolutely insane/douchieOk-ay, next.I don't want to look like "I'm better then you" or "I'm nice" type of guy, but there's a lot of markers that important for me, and I can't ignore them.It looks like I need a lot more time and effort to find a partner than usual person, but I don't really have neither. Also I'm have a little bit fucked up self esteem and mental health, so it's really hard to go in that ocean and don't loose my cool.But I'm fucking lonely.Yes, I can discuss some of my interest with friends or parents. I can even show them some respect/love and get some emotional satisfaction.But a couple of days ago I suddenly remembered, that I lost half of my family through the winter-spring of 2012. Nothing bad or catastrophic, just cancer-AIDS-cancer with month length breaks. I was 12, and it was my first "man up, adult life looks like this" moment.But suddenly it's not a yesterday or one year old story. It was almost 10 years ago.I want to tell someone, how does it feel. Tell someone about anger, sadness, grief and "I don't know what to do". Tell someone that I can't remember face or voice of grandpa, and I feel so fucking guilty and sorry about it.I want to cry, get a hug and go to nightwalk.And I can't do it with someone. My parents are equally traumatized by those events, and I don't want to upset my mom and force her to take care of my emotions at the same time.I can't do it with my friends, cause it's a much. They'll listen, they'll help, but we are not that close, they don't come with this types of problems to me.I talked about it (and many other things) with the therapist, yep. It helped for like 2-3 months.What should I do, reddit?