I stopped using dating apps and started putting myself out there, and I thought my experience might be able to inspire some of you:

26F, like many of you guys I've had very poor luck with dating, especially dating apps.

Over the past year, I've really begun to work on myself. I started working out, got into therapy, began a few side hustles for extra $, cut off a few bad friends. Everything independently with me has improved, but still I've had trouble with dating. Getting flaked on, ghosted, stood up, etc etc etc...

My therapist gave me "homework" a few weeks ago to go to a few new places a week, even if only for an hour or so, and strike up a conversation with people. Half of them could be people I'm physically attracted to, but half of them had to be people I wasn't.

Over the past few weeks, I've been doing just that. I started by going to places during their less busy hours, and not just on Fri/Sat night. I went to a few happy hours, an LGBT+ drag show (I'm bi), a karaoke bar, an open mic night comedy club, a workout class, etc.

I'm a very introverted person, so at first this was honestly a daunting task. I also definitely felt like people would perceive me as "the weird girl" going to some of these places alone. Still, I bit the bullet and tried it anyway.

And then I realized a few things:

• When it came to starting conversations with people, most people were way more receptive than I thought. I would simply ask people how their day/night was going and if a topic clicked, suddenly they were the ones feeding off my energy. Not just people into me either - I was laughing with this older woman and how her husband drags her to sports games, talked with a gay guy for an hour about how him and his husband met and gay culture, just a few examples. People LOVE talking about themselves, and when you're interested instead of just trying to be interesting, people will latch on.

• People generally care way less about you than you'd think. Most people aren't looking at you at any random place and thinking you're a loser who doesn't have any friends. Most people are just minding their own business, and even if someone asks you if you're alone, saying you're waiting for friends or they're meeting up with you is a very common thing.

• When it came to people I WAS attracted to, I approached them the same way I did the people I wasn't, and wasn't goal-oriented. I got a few numbers that haven't gone anywhere, but I still found this method way more successful. A few people were into me but I realized I didn't vibe with their personalities. But I still feel the conversations I've had with people were way more sincere. I got to know WAY more about people I was attracted to over the course of 2 weeks than YEARS on dating apps. I feel the conversations had more value, and on top of that I'm learning to be a better in-person connector and not just rely on a screen. In a way, I almost felt like I've been on more "dates" by going out and talking to people, vs on dating apps where I was constantly getting flaked on and wasting so many more hours swiping and endlessly chatting.

• You can meet people almost anywhere that's social. This idea that no one wants people they don't know ever to talk to them is a huge myth. People don't want to be bothered at the grocery store or walking down the street, and women especially don't want some random only talking to them with the intent of having sex. But people want to make new connections, people want friendships, people want relationships. It's all truly about being socially calibrated and not trying to force a conversation if it becomes obvious someone doesn't want to talk to you.

I know the pushback will likely be that because I'm a woman, of course it's easier. And yes, I'd agree to an extent. But I also took pointers on being more charasmatic from one of my friends who is a bit older, chubby guy in his late 30s. I've watched him light up a room with his energy; this man and many others I know have no problem making connections by being very social and genuinely interested in everyone.

TLDR; This post isn't to say dating apps can't work for some, I realize they're very convienent and if you enjoy them, cool!

But if you're one of the people, like me, who felt like you've been wasting years of your life endlessly swiping and swiping and getting flake after flake after flake with not even as much as a date to show for it, maybe this post can inspire you to try another method.

I know we're living in an era where it seems connections can only be found online, but I promise you people are still out and about and the apps are not the only places you can search for love.

It might seem daunting initially, but I do believe it also builds a tougher skin and increases the quantity of connections you can make, which by pure statistics will increase your quality eventually.

Submitted October 25, 2021 at 12:05AM

26F, like many of you guys I've had very poor luck with dating, especially dating apps.Over the past year, I've really begun to work on myself. I started working out, got into therapy, began a few side hustles for extra $, cut off a few bad friends. Everything independently with me has improved, but still I've had trouble with dating. Getting flaked on, ghosted, stood up, etc etc etc...My therapist gave me "homework" a few weeks ago to go to a few new places a week, even if only for an hour or so, and strike up a conversation with people. Half of them could be people I'm physically attracted to, but half of them had to be people I wasn't.Over the past few weeks, I've been doing just that. I started by going to places during their less busy hours, and not just on Fri/Sat night. I went to a few happy hours, an LGBT+ drag show (I'm bi), a karaoke bar, an open mic night comedy club, a workout class, etc.I'm a very introverted person, so at first this was honestly a daunting task. I also definitely felt like people would perceive me as "the weird girl" going to some of these places alone. Still, I bit the bullet and tried it anyway.And then I realized a few things:When it came to starting conversations with people, most people were way more receptive than I thought. I would simply ask people how their day/night was going and if a topic clicked, suddenly they were the ones feeding off my energy. Not just people into me either - I was laughing with this older woman and how her husband drags her to sports games, talked with a gay guy for an hour about how him and his husband met and gay culture, just a few examples. People LOVE talking about themselves, and when you're interested instead of just trying to be interesting, people will latch on.People generally care way less about you than you'd think. Most people aren't looking at you at any random place and thinking you're a loser who doesn't have any friends. Most people are just minding their own business, and even if someone asks you if you're alone, saying you're waiting for friends or they're meeting up with you is a very common thing.When it came to people I WAS attracted to, I approached them the same way I did the people I wasn't, and wasn't goal-oriented. I got a few numbers that haven't gone anywhere, but I still found this method way more successful. A few people were into me but I realized I didn't vibe with their personalities. But I still feel the conversations I've had with people were way more sincere. I got to know WAY more about people I was attracted to over the course of 2 weeks than YEARS on dating apps. I feel the conversations had more value, and on top of that I'm learning to be a better in-person connector and not just rely on a screen. In a way, I almost felt like I've been on more "dates" by going out and talking to people, vs on dating apps where I was constantly getting flaked on and wasting so many more hours swiping and endlessly chatting.You can meet people almost anywhere that's social. This idea that no one wants people they don't know ever to talk to them is a huge myth. People don't want to be bothered at the grocery store or walking down the street, and women especially don't want some random only talking to them with the intent of having sex. But people want to make new connections, people want friendships, people want relationships. It's all truly about being socially calibrated and not trying to force a conversation if it becomes obvious someone doesn't want to talk to you.I know the pushback will likely be that because I'm a woman, of course it's easier. And yes, I'd agree to an extent. But I also took pointers on being more charasmatic from one of my friends who is a bit older, chubby guy in his late 30s. I've watched him light up a room with his energy; this man and many others I know have no problem making connections by being very social and genuinely interested in everyone.TLDR; This post isn't to say dating apps can't work for some, I realize they're very convienent and if you enjoy them, cool!But if you're one of the people, like me, who felt like you've been wasting years of your life endlessly swiping and swiping and getting flake after flake after flake with not even as much as a date to show for it, maybe this post can inspire you to try another method.I know we're living in an era where it seems connections can only be found online, but I promise you people are still out and about and the apps are not the only places you can search for love.It might seem daunting initially, but I do believe it also builds a tougher skin and increases the quantity of connections you can make, which by pure statistics will increase your quality eventually.