Looking for Perspective

My wife [40f] and I [40m] have been happily married for almost 20 years, but throughout that time there's been one issue that has always been there...drinking.

We grew up in two completely different environments, she in a place where drinking (and drinking to excess) was constantly around, in fact it's very interwoven into the social fabric of her town and family. I grew up in a conservative Christian community where drinking was frowned upon and so didn't start consuming alcohol until I left home. I honestly don't believe one of these situations is better than the other, they are both unhealthy in their own ways and so, like all things, the truth is somewhere in the middle.

My wife and I were well aware of this difference when we started our relationship and so at times we've handled it in different ways. In the beginning she basically stopped drinking for a period of time but as anyone that comes from a place where drinking is so much part of the fabric of the community knows, completely abstaining isn't a real solution and in fact causes rifts and a feeling of "otherness" that I certainly don't wish for my wife to have with her family. As the years passed she began to drink more frequently and higher quantities again but I want to state that she is nowhere near an alcoholic and by many standards may even drink quite normally (I will honestly say my upbringing has probably left my unable to accurately judge normalcy in this regard). At times we've struck a balance that seems to work, I also drink but seldom get drunk and certainly avoid drinking to the point of slurring, stumbling or vomiting. Unfortunately throughout our marriage there have been hurtful things that have happened related to over consumption which likely play a role in my anxiety regarding excessive drinking now after all these years. Examples of this would be when she attended a wedding with her family (I was not able to go). Everyone got very drunk and apparently the sleeping arrangements had not been worked out so she ended up sharing a bed with another married man, she has assured me nothing intimate occurred and I believe her but the situation was very hurtful. There have also been situations such as riding with a drunk driver (no accident occurred) and dirty dancing with a guy and apologizing to me later. Now we have kids and so the issues revolve more around them seeing her drunk, my desire to model responsible alcohol related behavior to them and just generally being impatient and belligerent if drunk or hung over. Let me state clearly and in all fairness that this is not occurring with great frequency, she drinks to point of vomiting once or twice a year.

Personally, at our age, I feel like drinking to that level should never happen but this is where I am looking for perspective. I was raised in such a different way that maybe I am just looking at normal behavior too strictly. I want my wife to enjoy life, I don't want to police a grown woman as she has the right and independence to do as she sees fit. Why does this bother me? And should it? Or am I being overly sensitive due to how I was raised?

Submitted September 21, 2020 at 11:36PM

My wife [40f] and I [40m] have been happily married for almost 20 years, but throughout that time there's been one issue that has always been there...drinking.We grew up in two completely different environments, she in a place where drinking (and drinking to excess) was constantly around, in fact it's very interwoven into the social fabric of her town and family. I grew up in a conservative Christian community where drinking was frowned upon and so didn't start consuming alcohol until I left home. I honestly don't believe one of these situations is better than the other, they are both unhealthy in their own ways and so, like all things, the truth is somewhere in the middle.My wife and I were well aware of this difference when we started our relationship and so at times we've handled it in different ways. In the beginning she basically stopped drinking for a period of time but as anyone that comes from a place where drinking is so much part of the fabric of the community knows, completely abstaining isn't a real solution and in fact causes rifts and a feeling of "otherness" that I certainly don't wish for my wife to have with her family. As the years passed she began to drink more frequently and higher quantities again but I want to state that she is nowhere near an alcoholic and by many standards may even drink quite normally (I will honestly say my upbringing has probably left my unable to accurately judge normalcy in this regard). At times we've struck a balance that seems to work, I also drink but seldom get drunk and certainly avoid drinking to the point of slurring, stumbling or vomiting. Unfortunately throughout our marriage there have been hurtful things that have happened related to over consumption which likely play a role in my anxiety regarding excessive drinking now after all these years. Examples of this would be when she attended a wedding with her family (I was not able to go). Everyone got very drunk and apparently the sleeping arrangements had not been worked out so she ended up sharing a bed with another married man, she has assured me nothing intimate occurred and I believe her but the situation was very hurtful. There have also been situations such as riding with a drunk driver (no accident occurred) and dirty dancing with a guy and apologizing to me later. Now we have kids and so the issues revolve more around them seeing her drunk, my desire to model responsible alcohol related behavior to them and just generally being impatient and belligerent if drunk or hung over. Let me state clearly and in all fairness that this is not occurring with great frequency, she drinks to point of vomiting once or twice a year.Personally, at our age, I feel like drinking to that level should never happen but this is where I am looking for perspective. I was raised in such a different way that maybe I am just looking at normal behavior too strictly. I want my wife to enjoy life, I don't want to police a grown woman as she has the right and independence to do as she sees fit. Why does this bother me? And should it? Or am I being overly sensitive due to how I was raised?