/u/xoxoBug on Regarding feeling broken

26-F!

I felt broken, but I didn’t click with that term until later on. I never wanted a relationship in high school, because I saw sex as an expectation. I always planned to save myself for someone special, even though I’m an atheist.

I eventually gave in and dated someone... someone toxic. Maybe because he called me broken, I believed it. He assured me I’d eventually enjoy sex, and that maybe my libido needs fixing. What the fuck is libido and why don’t I have enough? Maybe because my partner is verbally abusive I don’t feel sexually attracted to him?

But after several years and a few more partners I have never once enjoyed or looked forward to sex - it’s always been a self-less act for the other person. Most the time I needed to be tipsy or drunk.

My relationships usually last around a month. In that time, I’m like “oh he’s the one” and am pretty open about my sexuality. My partner will pretend to understand but usually forget, and I’ll end up giving in to sex here and there... only to realize, yup I still feel the same way. Nothing has changed.

The person wouldn’t mind at first, then slowly fade away. Which, I understand. It’s just like - you can’t expect a gay person to be straight!

I stopped feeling broken when I stopped giving a shit about what other people thought. I can’t pinpoint exactly when that was, but it never could dismiss the fact I wanted love more than anything in the world. That always seemed to be my dream, that’s why I keep trying in denial... but it’s slowly starting to feel more like a nightmare.

So... being an ace, who is a hardcore romantic, is seriously one of the hardest mindfucks to deal with on a daily basis. I’m constantly looking for someone who wants me the way that I want them. Why am I so obsessed with finding that person?





August 14, 2020 at 11:49PM
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