(29F) after almost 3 decades of hating my body, being self conscious, and avoiding physical/emotional intimacy- I’m trying to say screw it and stop letting it rule my dating life.

I have never had a serious relationship. Drunk hook ups, short term situationships, sneaking around with men I know I don’t even like- oh I’ve got those in tenfolds. I think it’s part hating my body, part rape trauma, part trust issues with men from my emotionally abusive father, and part fear of rejection.

I also have never felt so alone in my life. I am independent, funny, empathetic, open, responsible, hardworking, friendly and physically attractive. I am told this, and I do have the privilege to feel love from other family members and friends. Yet I cannot get myself to fully believe any of this and push men away constantly who try to get close because I assume all the want is sex and to control me.

I know I sound like a piece of work, but I’m fucking tired of this self sabotage.

Has anyone had to rewire the way their brain works in order to experience intimacy? How did you go about it?

I try to workout, eat healthy, avoid manipulative toxic people, create time and space for loving and healing myself, but it still feels like I’m just putting on a charade for myself and she’s not buying it.

Submitted August 31, 2020 at 11:28PM

I have never had a serious relationship. Drunk hook ups, short term situationships, sneaking around with men I know I don’t even like- oh I’ve got those in tenfolds. I think it’s part hating my body, part rape trauma, part trust issues with men from my emotionally abusive father, and part fear of rejection.I also have never felt so alone in my life. I am independent, funny, empathetic, open, responsible, hardworking, friendly and physically attractive. I am told this, and I do have the privilege to feel love from other family members and friends. Yet I cannot get myself to fully believe any of this and push men away constantly who try to get close because I assume all the want is sex and to control me.I know I sound like a piece of work, but I’m fucking tired of this self sabotage.Has anyone had to rewire the way their brain works in order to experience intimacy? How did you go about it?I try to workout, eat healthy, avoid manipulative toxic people, create time and space for loving and healing myself, but it still feels like I’m just putting on a charade for myself and she’s not buying it.