(29F) after almost 3 decades of hating my body, being self conscious, and avoiding physical/emotional intimacy- I’m trying to say screw it and stop letting it rule my dating life.

I have never had a serious relationship. Drunk hook ups, short term situationships, sneaking around with men I know I don’t even like- oh I’ve got those in tenfolds. I think it’s part hating my body, part rape trauma, part trust issues with men from my emotionally abusive father, and part fear of rejection.

I also have never felt so alone in my life. I am independent, funny, empathetic, open, responsible, hardworking, friendly and physically attractive. I am told this, and I do have the privilege to feel love from other family members and friends. Yet I cannot get myself to fully believe any of this and push men away constantly who try to get close because I assume all the want is sex and to control me.

I know I sound like a piece of work, but I’m fucking tired of this self sabotage.

Has anyone had to rewire the way their brain works in order to experience intimacy? How did you go about it?

I try to workout, eat healthy, avoid manipulative toxic people, create time and space for loving and healing myself, but it still feels like I’m just putting on a charade for myself and she’s not buying it.



Submitted August 31, 2020 at 11:28PM

I have never had a serious relationship. Drunk hook ups, short term situationships, sneaking around with men I know I don’t even like- oh I’ve got those in tenfolds. I think it’s part hating my body, part rape trauma, part trust issues with men from my emotionally abusive father, and part fear of rejection.I also have never felt so alone in my life. I am independent, funny, empathetic, open, responsible, hardworking, friendly and physically attractive. I am told this, and I do have the privilege to feel love from other family members and friends. Yet I cannot get myself to fully believe any of this and push men away constantly who try to get close because I assume all the want is sex and to control me.I know I sound like a piece of work, but I’m fucking tired of this self sabotage.Has anyone had to rewire the way their brain works in order to experience intimacy? How did you go about it?I try to workout, eat healthy, avoid manipulative toxic people, create time and space for loving and healing myself, but it still feels like I’m just putting on a charade for myself and she’s not buying it.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Add Comments, Posts, Links... etc.

Popular posts from this blog

The difference between being right and being understood

My boyfriend and I are 28. We’ve been together for about 1.5 years and recently moved in together. He’s a pretty patient and easygoing person (Type B) whereas I’m more particular (Type A). Of course there are two sides to every trait, and my Type A nature benefits us in some ways too. Like all couples, we have differences in perspective or preference. When this happens, he will usually say something like “I disagree (with your perspective) but fine.” I tend to push the issue in an attempt to get him to understand where I’m coming from. This escalates the disagreement into a fight because he perceives it as me trying to be “right”. I truly just want to be understood (and I want to understand where he’s coming from) so I’m looking for more of a dialogue whereas he avoids conflict and just wants it to be over as quickly as possible. His general approach is “agree to disagree” but that doesn’t make sense to me when it’s an issue that will keep coming up and requires compromise. I’m n...
Read more

My (27f) gf (27f) is getting tired of me not sharing intimate/ personal info about me

I’ve always been extremely private and introverted. We have more than a year together and we’ve been living together for like 6 months, we get along pretty good and I’m really in love with her, however I can not seem to open up... and I can tell it’s frustrating to her by the way she tells me it bothers her that she feels she’s the only one committed and the one that’s always sharing... At this point I don’t even know if it is that I’ve gotten too used to it, to the point I’ve became lazy to talk about myself or give any genuine personal opinion... it sucks, really, I need to communicate better... Where do I start? Tl;dr: I can’t be completely intimate with my gf and its frustrating her, I need to communicate better because I really love her... where to start? Submitted April 25, 2019 at 06:02AM I’ve always been extremely private and introverted. We have more than a year together and we’ve been living together for like 6 months, we get along pretty good and I’m really in love ...
Read more

My (23M) girlfriend (25F) relationship is confusing to me. I might be the problem, or maybe we are just incompatible.

I met my girlfriend after a few serious breakups that led me to change both intentionally and unintentionally over a few years. For better and for worse. She had just gotten out of an engagement with a verbally and physically abusive man who had a cocaine problem. We have been together about 8 months now. We hit it off and spent a lot of time together but she began to push our relationship as if there were a time clock for milestones. I was pressed beyond my comfort zone and went with it because of my affection for her. My living situation fell apart and I lost a few thousand dollars to shit roommates right around the time she and I met and she offered to let me stay with her. I agreed with some resistance. I pay for food, help her with bills, and throw money toward rent while trying to get back on my feet. As long as we have been together she has gotten more possessive, angry, and irrational. She is dealing with shit from her engagement and I feel shes looking for a level of seriou...
Read more