Ex-boyfriend (33M) who cheated on me (30F) threatens suicide if I cut contact off with him.

We were together for 13 years, broke up last February 2019. Continued to live in the same apartment while we both saved money (he to take on our rent without me, me to move out). During the five months we lived together broken up, our relationship was actually great - better communication, still cooking things together, going to movies, he would get me a ton of gifts (not important but just saying), etc. We would at times cry together and wonder if this was the right choice, that we still loved each other but needed to see how separating would go. Unbeknownst to me, he had had a 24 year old model girlfriend in another country that he traveled to often for work, that entire time.

Apparently they were very close, sleeping together and spending his birthday together. They were close enough to where she was going to come stay with him on a one-way ticket after I moved out of our apartment. He told me the day after I moved out - a day after my 30th birthday, in which he went all out for me. I feel that now he only did that out of guilt. I was pretty livid, but then calmed down and told him he was the love of my life. And that if he left her, I would make it work and forget (now regretful of that). He told me sorry, it's over - and left. I don't know if this is technically cheating or not, but I feel that he at least led me on emotionally. I didn't feel right dating other people while we still lived together.

I moved on quite quickly, enjoying my independence as we were pretty codependent on each other for 13 years. I took up a hobby, made new friends, worked on existing friendships, worked on my dream career. It felt so great. After a couple weeks, he showed up at a wedding I was at and said that he made a mistake "leaving me" for her. For some reason I caved, still wanting to make it work - but out of comfort. We hadn't been intimate in years and I was no longer attracted to him, and felt that I wanted something else out of my life - and wanted to take the chance.

During this time (July until now), I was involved in a "situationship" with someone else, which also wasn't working - so I didn't feel the strength to tell him I was going to leave him for someone else.. I was confused in which way to move (forward or backwards), so admittedly I know I have done the same thing he had done. He ended up finding out about this guy, and threatened to hurt him if I didn't break things off with him. Out of fear, I did.

Fast forward to now, we have been quarantining together during the pandemic, however I understand that was another choice out of comfort. He says that he realized he loved me, that he made a mistake, (despite me rubbing it in his face all of the time, which I feel I have to do so he knows I'm not OK with it), He doesn't give me space when I need it, has threatened the other guy I was casually seeing, shows up at my house with gifts and food. We ARE each other's best friends, which is the hard part - however I've been trying to be direct with him that I don't love him romantically, that I don't think we're going to work out, but he continues to be adamant in changing my mind. A couple of weeks ago, he mentioned a suicide attempt, and one night I had to go to his house and it was the scariest experience I've had in my life.

I'm at a loss because I don't think our boundaries make any sense, he hasn't listened to me, and I also have feelings for someone else I've been talking to (same person), which all in all just seems like a huge mess. I would rather be single and alone then be "stuck" in some unresolved situation with my ex. I don't know if I should be more direct and cut contact, as I am worried he will do something extreme. He blames me that he has nothing else in his life (he ditched a lot of his friends, gave our pets to me, lost his job, no hobbies, etc), and threatens to end his life if I stop spending time with him.

TL;DR - ex boyfriend of 13 years threatens to kill himself if I stop spending time with him (we are not in a relationship but he feels that we are trying to make it work). He cheated on me at the end of our relationship, having led me on to believe we were trying to save our relationship. Not sure how to walk away.

Submitted May 22, 2020 at 12:06AM

We were together for 13 years, broke up last February 2019. Continued to live in the same apartment while we both saved money (he to take on our rent without me, me to move out). During the five months we lived together broken up, our relationship was actually great - better communication, still cooking things together, going to movies, he would get me a ton of gifts (not important but just saying), etc. We would at times cry together and wonder if this was the right choice, that we still loved each other but needed to see how separating would go. Unbeknownst to me, he had had a 24 year old model girlfriend in another country that he traveled to often for work, that entire time.Apparently they were very close, sleeping together and spending his birthday together. They were close enough to where she was going to come stay with him on a one-way ticket after I moved out of our apartment. He told me the day after I moved out - a day after my 30th birthday, in which he went all out for me. I feel that now he only did that out of guilt. I was pretty livid, but then calmed down and told him he was the love of my life. And that if he left her, I would make it work and forget (now regretful of that). He told me sorry, it's over - and left. I don't know if this is technically cheating or not, but I feel that he at least led me on emotionally. I didn't feel right dating other people while we still lived together.I moved on quite quickly, enjoying my independence as we were pretty codependent on each other for 13 years. I took up a hobby, made new friends, worked on existing friendships, worked on my dream career. It felt so great. After a couple weeks, he showed up at a wedding I was at and said that he made a mistake "leaving me" for her. For some reason I caved, still wanting to make it work - but out of comfort. We hadn't been intimate in years and I was no longer attracted to him, and felt that I wanted something else out of my life - and wanted to take the chance.During this time (July until now), I was involved in a "situationship" with someone else, which also wasn't working - so I didn't feel the strength to tell him I was going to leave him for someone else.. I was confused in which way to move (forward or backwards), so admittedly I know I have done the same thing he had done. He ended up finding out about this guy, and threatened to hurt him if I didn't break things off with him. Out of fear, I did.Fast forward to now, we have been quarantining together during the pandemic, however I understand that was another choice out of comfort. He says that he realized he loved me, that he made a mistake, (despite me rubbing it in his face all of the time, which I feel I have to do so he knows I'm not OK with it), He doesn't give me space when I need it, has threatened the other guy I was casually seeing, shows up at my house with gifts and food. We ARE each other's best friends, which is the hard part - however I've been trying to be direct with him that I don't love him romantically, that I don't think we're going to work out, but he continues to be adamant in changing my mind. A couple of weeks ago, he mentioned a suicide attempt, and one night I had to go to his house and it was the scariest experience I've had in my life.I'm at a loss because I don't think our boundaries make any sense, he hasn't listened to me, and I also have feelings for someone else I've been talking to (same person), which all in all just seems like a huge mess. I would rather be single and alone then be "stuck" in some unresolved situation with my ex. I don't know if I should be more direct and cut contact, as I am worried he will do something extreme. He blames me that he has nothing else in his life (he ditched a lot of his friends, gave our pets to me, lost his job, no hobbies, etc), and threatens to end his life if I stop spending time with him.TL;DR - ex boyfriend of 13 years threatens to kill himself if I stop spending time with him (we are not in a relationship but he feels that we are trying to make it work). He cheated on me at the end of our relationship, having led me on to believe we were trying to save our relationship. Not sure how to walk away.