Common traits in people who fail at dating

[I originally wrote this for men, but it applies to women as well]

I have been a dating coach for about 4 years, and I have noticed that guys that fail with women share several very common traits. Here they are. If you share these traits, cut it out.

They have unrealistic expectations of women

A lot guys without a lot of experience with women often hold unrealistic views about women. They basically are not interested in any woman unless she is a beautiful virgin who looks perfect and has never done anything wrong. Oh, and she isn’t supposed to care at all about height, money, looks, or confidence. Sorry, but that just doesn’t exist. Every woman has faults, weaknesses, and has done or said something unattractive at some point. If you are waiting until you find the perfect woman, you will be waiting forever.

A lot of guys have unrealistic expectations of women because they believe society’s misogynistic lies about women. I can’t tell you how many guys I have seen that hate “whores” but these same guys will have sex with anybody with a pulse. A lot of guys also fail with women because they believe that women are the same creatures they see in movies and TV shows – which is not true at all. The quicker you accept reality the more you will succeed with women.

They make false generalizations and assumptions about women

“Women just care about money” “women in this bar are stuck up bitches” “hot women are crazy,” etc… The more generalizations like this you make, the more I know you haven’t interacted with a lot of women because there are tons of women that don’t care about money, tons of hot women that aren’t crazy, etc… I even heard a guy once say “women on the East Coast are bitches.” The guy generalized all the women in the entire fucking East Coast of the United States of America!

As I said in the last section, there are a few facts about human nature that you need to accept, but outside those core facts women are extremely diverse. There are cool women, smart women, dumb women, crazy women, boring women, fun women, etc… And surprisingly, you can’t tell who is who just by their appearance. There are brilliant, interesting women that look like supermodels, there are crazy sex freaks that look very innocent, etc…

Generalizing and making assumptions is lazy thinking. It’s your lizard brain saying ‘this whole woman thing is too complicated; let me just make a simplistic generalization so I don’t have to think anymore.” It’s the same thinking that racists and bigots use. Just because one hot woman you met was a certain way doesn’t mean they will all be. Knock it off.

They are needy

Been ghosted recently? Had a girl lose interest? I obviously don’t know for sure why that happened to you, but it is most likely that you were acting needy. Neediness is the most unattractive thing to women because it implies that you don’t have a lot of options. It also puts pressure on her to perform. Who wants to be with a lonely, desperate guy whose only happiness is you?

Neediness is caused by scarcity and scarcity is caused by a low self-image of yourself. A needy person subconsciously thinks “women don’t find me attractive, so I don’t have a lot of options, so if the cashier at McDonald’s smiles at me I need to get her number because that’s my only shot at getting a woman this calendar year.”

Neediness, scarcity, and rejection create a vicious cycle for a lot of guys. They get rejected, so they feel scarcity, so they feel needy, which causes them to act in unattractive ways, which causes them to get rejected, etc…

They get emotionally invested too quickly

It’s a fact of human nature that men get emotionally invested much more quickly than women. Men are primarily visual, which means that if a woman looks good he can quickly become emotionally invested. Women are more complicated and are looking for a partner who is reliable over a long term, so they need some time to determine whether they are attracted. Men almost always immediately decide “yes” or “no” when they meet a woman, a woman is always “maybe” until she has spent some time with you.

Because men get emotionally invested so quickly, they often act needy or overly aggressive. They do crazy shit like take her to a 5 star restaurant on the first date or proclaim their love for her after talking for 20 minutes. They can’t understand that the woman simply does not feel the same – yet.

They are selfish

When you see guys that suck with women in conversation, you quickly notice that they are selfish. They just want to talk about themselves or whatever shit is interesting to them whether or not the other person gives a fuck. As you can imagine, that’s extremely unattractive. Selfishness is also related to neediness – it’s like saying “I’m going to talk your ear off about some shit you don’t give a fuck about because I can’t find anybody else that will talk to me about this stuff.” Selfishness also shows that you need validation. If your conversation is all about how awesome you are, you are subconsciously indicating that you are begging her to agree that you are awesome.

People that are good in conversations are selfless. They let the other person talk about what the other person wants to talk about. Of course, ideally, you will find a subject that BOTH parties are interested in, but you never monopolize the conversation and make it all about yourself. If you ask women what the biggest mistake men on dates make is, they always say something like “he talked about himself the whole time” or “he talked about a bunch of boring shit” or “he bragged and acted douchey.”

Being selfish is tied to having unrealistic expectations of women. Men who suck at women have this unrealistic vision that women will share all of their interests, will agree with all of their opinions, and will sit there and be a shoulder to cry on while they vent about whatever they want to rant about. Sorry, bro, no woman will want to do that.

They do things for women that women don’t deserve.

Simply put, being a “nice” guy means that you do things for women that don’t deserve those things, secretly hoping that she will pay you back with sex. That’s not being “nice,” that’s being manipulative. Ask yourself this: “if I bought this girl a drink right now and she immediately walked away and talked to another guy, would I be mad?” If the answer is “yes” then you are buying the drink for the wrong reason.

The rule should be this: you only do something for a woman only if she has already done an equivalent thing for you. This goes for everything: doing her favors, buying her stuff, texting her, even giving her attention. Your time, energy, and attention is important, and you must show that to women. If a woman thinks she can steal your time, energy, or attention whenever she wants by doing nothing then she will not feel like you are a solid guy with boundaries.

They feel like they need to entertain women

Women are not attracted to clowns or men who think their job is to entertain them. Women are attracted to men who entertain THEMSELVES. They want a man who is enjoying a fun emotional experience, so they can vicariously experience his emotional experience through him.

Whenever you go to a club or a bar, you will see tons of guys dancing and having conversations not because they enjoy it, but because they are trying to get laid. Guess what – women can tell you are just doing that shit to impress them! And they lose interest!!

They obsess over their one weakness

Tons of guys think women will never find them attractive because of one particular weakness: they are poor, they are short, they are bald, etc… And the reality is that these things often do make you less attractive to some women. But fortunately, women look at a lot of different factors when determining what men they are interested in, so if you suck at one of these factors you can make up for it elsewhere. Tom Cruise is short, Vin Diesel is bald, tons of poor guys get laid, etc… A lot of men make the mistake of thinking that women only care about looks because men only care about looks. Wrong! Women are different than men.

They are closed minded.

Women are looking for open-minded, non-judgmental guys. If a woman tells you that she is bisexual, or that she used to strip, or that she is the opposite political party/religion/whatever as you, and you do or say something shitty and judgmental, she will lose attraction. Period. Women are naturally more compassionate and emotional than men,

They overthink and mentally masturbate

My biggest obstacle in coaching guys is preventing mental masturbation. These guys are intelligent and want to solve the problem by thinking, but you can’t solve every problem by thinking. Sometimes you need to just do. Sometimes the more you read PUA articles, the more frozen with anxiety you get. Just go out and do!

Another aspect of overthinking is trying to rationally analyze every single thing you do in the field. I’m sorry, but it is too much information for any person to remember. To succeed with women you need to act naturally, not like you are reading from a script.

Their ego won’t let them improve

A lot of guys can make a few small improvements to get much better with women, but they refuse to do so because of their ego. They don’t want to change the way they dress, their hair, their openers, etc…

It’s a fact about human nature that mens’ self-esteem is naturally tied to how much women like them, so no man wants to admit that he sucks with girls or that he can improve. I basically have given up on giving guys advice on women unless they ask for it, because most guys don’t want to hear anything that indicates that they may have been doing it wrong before.

They are negative

One thing you will learn about gaming is that women absolutely hate negative guys, especially when they first meet them. Women want confidence, and confidence is just positivity but directed to everything. You don’t have the right to unload your negativity on women until you have a deep relationship with her.

Sometimes I see guys post hateful and negative shit on this subreddit, and then I click on their post history and I see that it is all negativity. If you are stuck in that mindset, you need to get out of it.

They hate women

This is the number one trait I see in men that suck with women. And look, I get it. Women are often emotional, shitty, impulsive, rude, stupid, and vindictive. They often lie, reject you in shitty ways, humiliate you, etc… But guess what – these aren’t traits of “women” – these are traits of “people” – men do this shit too. And you can’t project the behavior of one woman or a bunch of woman onto all women. To succeed with women, you need to form an emotional connection with them, and you simply cannot form an emotional connection with somebody you hate because you inevitably do something that shows that you hate them.

The main reason men hate women is because they have been tricked by society into thinking that women are a certain way, and when they see women acting contrary to this idealized image they get angry. But the fault is not with women – women are just being women – the fault is with yourself for holding a false view of what women are.

An important skill in dating is empathy. If you can understand and acknowledge what women are feeling, what kind of bullshit they have to deal with, and what they do and do not like, you will connect with them much better than if you just say “there goes those crazy women again.”

Submitted May 27, 2020 at 11:40PM

[I originally wrote this for men, but it applies to women as well]I have been a dating coach for about 4 years, and I have noticed that guys that fail with women share several very common traits. Here they are. If you share these traits, cut it out.They have unrealistic expectations of womenA lot guys without a lot of experience with women often hold unrealistic views about women. They basically are not interested in any woman unless she is a beautiful virgin who looks perfect and has never done anything wrong. Oh, and she isn’t supposed to care at all about height, money, looks, or confidence. Sorry, but that just doesn’t exist. Every woman has faults, weaknesses, and has done or said something unattractive at some point. If you are waiting until you find the perfect woman, you will be waiting forever.A lot of guys have unrealistic expectations of women because they believe society’s misogynistic lies about women. I can’t tell you how many guys I have seen that hate “whores” but these same guys will have sex with anybody with a pulse. A lot of guys also fail with women because they believe that women are the same creatures they see in movies and TV shows – which is not true at all. The quicker you accept reality the more you will succeed with women.They make false generalizations and assumptions about women“Women just care about money” “women in this bar are stuck up bitches” “hot women are crazy,” etc… The more generalizations like this you make, the more I know you haven’t interacted with a lot of women because there are tons of women that don’t care about money, tons of hot women that aren’t crazy, etc… I even heard a guy once say “women on the East Coast are bitches.” The guy generalized all the women in the entire fucking East Coast of the United States of America!As I said in the last section, there are a few facts about human nature that you need to accept, but outside those core facts women are extremely diverse. There are cool women, smart women, dumb women, crazy women, boring women, fun women, etc… And surprisingly, you can’t tell who is who just by their appearance. There are brilliant, interesting women that look like supermodels, there are crazy sex freaks that look very innocent, etc…Generalizing and making assumptions is lazy thinking. It’s your lizard brain saying ‘this whole woman thing is too complicated; let me just make a simplistic generalization so I don’t have to think anymore.” It’s the same thinking that racists and bigots use. Just because one hot woman you met was a certain way doesn’t mean they will all be. Knock it off.They are needyBeen ghosted recently? Had a girl lose interest? I obviously don’t know for sure why that happened to you, but it is most likely that you were acting needy. Neediness is the most unattractive thing to women because it implies that you don’t have a lot of options. It also puts pressure on her to perform. Who wants to be with a lonely, desperate guy whose only happiness is you?Neediness is caused by scarcity and scarcity is caused by a low self-image of yourself. A needy person subconsciously thinks “women don’t find me attractive, so I don’t have a lot of options, so if the cashier at McDonald’s smiles at me I need to get her number because that’s my only shot at getting a woman this calendar year.”Neediness, scarcity, and rejection create a vicious cycle for a lot of guys. They get rejected, so they feel scarcity, so they feel needy, which causes them to act in unattractive ways, which causes them to get rejected, etc…They get emotionally invested too quicklyIt’s a fact of human nature that men get emotionally invested much more quickly than women. Men are primarily visual, which means that if a woman looks good he can quickly become emotionally invested. Women are more complicated and are looking for a partner who is reliable over a long term, so they need some time to determine whether they are attracted. Men almost always immediately decide “yes” or “no” when they meet a woman, a woman is always “maybe” until she has spent some time with you.Because men get emotionally invested so quickly, they often act needy or overly aggressive. They do crazy shit like take her to a 5 star restaurant on the first date or proclaim their love for her after talking for 20 minutes. They can’t understand that the woman simply does not feel the same – yet.They are selfishWhen you see guys that suck with women in conversation, you quickly notice that they are selfish. They just want to talk about themselves or whatever shit is interesting to them whether or not the other person gives a fuck. As you can imagine, that’s extremely unattractive. Selfishness is also related to neediness – it’s like saying “I’m going to talk your ear off about some shit you don’t give a fuck about because I can’t find anybody else that will talk to me about this stuff.” Selfishness also shows that you need validation. If your conversation is all about how awesome you are, you are subconsciously indicating that you are begging her to agree that you are awesome.People that are good in conversations are selfless. They let the other person talk about what the other person wants to talk about. Of course, ideally, you will find a subject that BOTH parties are interested in, but you never monopolize the conversation and make it all about yourself. If you ask women what the biggest mistake men on dates make is, they always say something like “he talked about himself the whole time” or “he talked about a bunch of boring shit” or “he bragged and acted douchey.”Being selfish is tied to having unrealistic expectations of women. Men who suck at women have this unrealistic vision that women will share all of their interests, will agree with all of their opinions, and will sit there and be a shoulder to cry on while they vent about whatever they want to rant about. Sorry, bro, no woman will want to do that.They do things for women that women don’t deserve.Simply put, being a “nice” guy means that you do things for women that don’t deserve those things, secretly hoping that she will pay you back with sex. That’s not being “nice,” that’s being manipulative. Ask yourself this: “if I bought this girl a drink right now and she immediately walked away and talked to another guy, would I be mad?” If the answer is “yes” then you are buying the drink for the wrong reason.The rule should be this: you only do something for a woman only if she has already done an equivalent thing for you. This goes for everything: doing her favors, buying her stuff, texting her, even giving her attention. Your time, energy, and attention is important, and you must show that to women. If a woman thinks she can steal your time, energy, or attention whenever she wants by doing nothing then she will not feel like you are a solid guy with boundaries.They feel like they need to entertain womenWomen are not attracted to clowns or men who think their job is to entertain them. Women are attracted to men who entertain THEMSELVES. They want a man who is enjoying a fun emotional experience, so they can vicariously experience his emotional experience through him.Whenever you go to a club or a bar, you will see tons of guys dancing and having conversations not because they enjoy it, but because they are trying to get laid. Guess what – women can tell you are just doing that shit to impress them! And they lose interest!!They obsess over their one weaknessTons of guys think women will never find them attractive because of one particular weakness: they are poor, they are short, they are bald, etc… And the reality is that these things often do make you less attractive to some women. But fortunately, women look at a lot of different factors when determining what men they are interested in, so if you suck at one of these factors you can make up for it elsewhere. Tom Cruise is short, Vin Diesel is bald, tons of poor guys get laid, etc… A lot of men make the mistake of thinking that women only care about looks because men only care about looks. Wrong! Women are different than men.They are closed minded.Women are looking for open-minded, non-judgmental guys. If a woman tells you that she is bisexual, or that she used to strip, or that she is the opposite political party/religion/whatever as you, and you do or say something shitty and judgmental, she will lose attraction. Period. Women are naturally more compassionate and emotional than men,They overthink and mentally masturbateMy biggest obstacle in coaching guys is preventing mental masturbation. These guys are intelligent and want to solve the problem by thinking, but you can’t solve every problem by thinking. Sometimes you need to just do. Sometimes the more you read PUA articles, the more frozen with anxiety you get. Just go out and do!Another aspect of overthinking is trying to rationally analyze every single thing you do in the field. I’m sorry, but it is too much information for any person to remember. To succeed with women you need to act naturally, not like you are reading from a script.Their ego won’t let them improveA lot of guys can make a few small improvements to get much better with women, but they refuse to do so because of their ego. They don’t want to change the way they dress, their hair, their openers, etc…It’s a fact about human nature that mens’ self-esteem is naturally tied to how much women like them, so no man wants to admit that he sucks with girls or that he can improve. I basically have given up on giving guys advice on women unless they ask for it, because most guys don’t want to hear anything that indicates that they may have been doing it wrong before.They are negativeOne thing you will learn about gaming is that women absolutely hate negative guys, especially when they first meet them. Women want confidence, and confidence is just positivity but directed to everything. You don’t have the right to unload your negativity on women until you have a deep relationship with her.Sometimes I see guys post hateful and negative shit on this subreddit, and then I click on their post history and I see that it is all negativity. If you are stuck in that mindset, you need to get out of it.They hate womenThis is the number one trait I see in men that suck with women. And look, I get it. Women are often emotional, shitty, impulsive, rude, stupid, and vindictive. They often lie, reject you in shitty ways, humiliate you, etc… But guess what – these aren’t traits of “women” – these are traits of “people” – men do this shit too. And you can’t project the behavior of one woman or a bunch of woman onto all women. To succeed with women, you need to form an emotional connection with them, and you simply cannot form an emotional connection with somebody you hate because you inevitably do something that shows that you hate them.The main reason men hate women is because they have been tricked by society into thinking that women are a certain way, and when they see women acting contrary to this idealized image they get angry. But the fault is not with women – women are just being women – the fault is with yourself for holding a false view of what women are.An important skill in dating is empathy. If you can understand and acknowledge what women are feeling, what kind of bullshit they have to deal with, and what they do and do not like, you will connect with them much better than if you just say “there goes those crazy women again.”