Penetrative sex is still painful 4 years later

Hi, longterm lurker first time poster here. TLDR at the bottom.

I (22F) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (23M) for 4 years. For these 4 years we have had penetrative sex maybe 20 times max. Its simply too painful for me to cope with on a regular basis, I tense up and can't seem to relax and it has become a cycle whereby it is so uncomfortable that we don't bother and I give him oral or a handjob but when we do try it is so uncomfortable etc etc

The best way I can describe the pain for me is like a burning and stinging sensation. I have been to my GP for a physical check and there is nothing wrong in that department. I have tried having a glass of wine to help relax but I've still been caught up in my head and I don't want to have to rely on alcohol! In the last year or so I have noticed a drop in my libido, whether this is because of these issues or not, I'm not sure, I just rarely feel horny. Ive been to see a relationship counsellor who suggested we work on small intimacies before building up to penetrative sex but with no pressure. My boyfriend and I have been doing this for a while but I think we both have become impatient and feel like we're avoiding talking/acting about it.

My boyfriend and I have spoken about this loads to each other but now my boyfriend is losing his patience and I can't blame him. We're both young and it could be that we will just never be sexually compatible, but I'm really worried I will never be sexually compatible with anyone. He's never forced me do anything im not comfortable with and I have no history of past trauma. I am fully aware that I don't have a good mindset about penetrative sex.

Previously I've found that using dilators (given by my doctor), working up to a dildo and eventually my boyfriends penis will have a higher success rate as I can ease into it better. However he has told me today that he has "lost faith in me" after another unsuccessful attempt and he doesn't believe me when I have repeatedly promised him that I am going to get over this hurdle. I havent been practicing as regularly as I should with the dilators and dildos and today we tried and predictably failed. I tried using the dildo too but I was so tense that it barely went in and hurt coming out.

We are in a bit of a pickle to say the least. I've told him I'm still willing to try and give this another shot but I would appreciate any advice. The rest of our non physical life is really great. He's the only person I can see myself having children with and growing old.

TLDR: Boyfriend and I of 4 years have had issues with penetrative sex throughout our relationship. I find it too uncomfortable and things have now come to an ultimatum. Any advice appreciated.

Submitted April 21, 2020 at 12:05AM

Hi, longterm lurker first time poster here. TLDR at the bottom.I (22F) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (23M) for 4 years. For these 4 years we have had penetrative sex maybe 20 times max. Its simply too painful for me to cope with on a regular basis, I tense up and can't seem to relax and it has become a cycle whereby it is so uncomfortable that we don't bother and I give him oral or a handjob but when we do try it is so uncomfortable etc etcThe best way I can describe the pain for me is like a burning and stinging sensation. I have been to my GP for a physical check and there is nothing wrong in that department. I have tried having a glass of wine to help relax but I've still been caught up in my head and I don't want to have to rely on alcohol! In the last year or so I have noticed a drop in my libido, whether this is because of these issues or not, I'm not sure, I just rarely feel horny. Ive been to see a relationship counsellor who suggested we work on small intimacies before building up to penetrative sex but with no pressure. My boyfriend and I have been doing this for a while but I think we both have become impatient and feel like we're avoiding talking/acting about it.My boyfriend and I have spoken about this loads to each other but now my boyfriend is losing his patience and I can't blame him. We're both young and it could be that we will just never be sexually compatible, but I'm really worried I will never be sexually compatible with anyone. He's never forced me do anything im not comfortable with and I have no history of past trauma. I am fully aware that I don't have a good mindset about penetrative sex.Previously I've found that using dilators (given by my doctor), working up to a dildo and eventually my boyfriends penis will have a higher success rate as I can ease into it better. However he has told me today that he has "lost faith in me" after another unsuccessful attempt and he doesn't believe me when I have repeatedly promised him that I am going to get over this hurdle. I havent been practicing as regularly as I should with the dilators and dildos and today we tried and predictably failed. I tried using the dildo too but I was so tense that it barely went in and hurt coming out.We are in a bit of a pickle to say the least. I've told him I'm still willing to try and give this another shot but I would appreciate any advice. The rest of our non physical life is really great. He's the only person I can see myself having children with and growing old.TLDR: Boyfriend and I of 4 years have had issues with penetrative sex throughout our relationship. I find it too uncomfortable and things have now come to an ultimatum. Any advice appreciated.