I feel like such an a**hole, but for us to continue, I need him to move out of his mom’s house. How do I approach this?

We’ve been dating for about a year and a half. He’s 37M, I’m 33F. He has been living with his mother since his dad passed away unexpectedly about 5 years ago. I was told this wasn’t supposed to be a long term thing as he intended on staying with her temporarily to help with finances and “man things” as they were healing.

I wasn’t around in the beginning so can’t speak to it, but fast forward to today the place is a disaster, it’s insanely cluttered and she can’t afford the mortgage or utilities on her own, nor can she maintain and take care of it without him. Also they are essentially enmeshed. She is constantly, texting, calling, giving him “honey-do” orders, cooking for him, doing his laundry and is always always there. She has massaged his shoulders when I wasn’t doing it fast enough or hard enough, asked him to remember her login info and calls him daily to ask for it. When he’s at my house, she calls or texts to see what he’s doing and when he’ll be home because she’s cooking for him. They interact at least once every 3 hours or so. We went on a romantic weekend trip a couple of months ago and upon our return comments were made by her saying that she hadn’t left the house in days since her (insert bf name here) left her. They regularly scream at eachother like a married couple in front of me and it is at times disturbing.

What makes this super crazy is, I own a beautiful house, I live alone and have a great place for us to grow together as a couple. Yet our varying work schedules and locations make it much easier on him to be at his moms. He refuses to stay here on nights when he works the next day. This means, if I want to sleep in the same bed as my boyfriend I generally will drive to his house and deal with the drama and sleeping in his childhood bedroom 3-4 nights a week. (Because nothing puts a girl in the mood like hearing a guy’s mom scream at her nearly 40 year old boyfriend like a teenager). Needless to say, this shit is getting old.

Ultimately, he did this for the right reason and I admire him for that, but he is doing nothing to change the situation or heal. I enjoy being with him, but this is too damn much. I have made recommendations that she sell the house for something smaller that she can afford and maintain on her own. She is hesitant as she feels closer to her deceased husband in their house. She is very religious, has his things unmoved since his passing and a shrine to him. So then I look like a total dick because admittedly, I don’t know what it’s like to lose a parent/spouse. I have recommended therapy or grief counseling yet they refuse.

I haven’t been specific about next steps with him, I’m just asking that he do something... anything... to change this situation because I can’t continue to be in a relationship with the two of them anymore.

Recommendations on how to approach this?

Submitted April 21, 2020 at 12:07AM

We’ve been dating for about a year and a half. He’s 37M, I’m 33F. He has been living with his mother since his dad passed away unexpectedly about 5 years ago. I was told this wasn’t supposed to be a long term thing as he intended on staying with her temporarily to help with finances and “man things” as they were healing.I wasn’t around in the beginning so can’t speak to it, but fast forward to today the place is a disaster, it’s insanely cluttered and she can’t afford the mortgage or utilities on her own, nor can she maintain and take care of it without him. Also they are essentially enmeshed. She is constantly, texting, calling, giving him “honey-do” orders, cooking for him, doing his laundry and is always always there. She has massaged his shoulders when I wasn’t doing it fast enough or hard enough, asked him to remember her login info and calls him daily to ask for it. When he’s at my house, she calls or texts to see what he’s doing and when he’ll be home because she’s cooking for him. They interact at least once every 3 hours or so. We went on a romantic weekend trip a couple of months ago and upon our return comments were made by her saying that she hadn’t left the house in days since her (insert bf name here) left her. They regularly scream at eachother like a married couple in front of me and it is at times disturbing.What makes this super crazy is, I own a beautiful house, I live alone and have a great place for us to grow together as a couple. Yet our varying work schedules and locations make it much easier on him to be at his moms. He refuses to stay here on nights when he works the next day. This means, if I want to sleep in the same bed as my boyfriend I generally will drive to his house and deal with the drama and sleeping in his childhood bedroom 3-4 nights a week. (Because nothing puts a girl in the mood like hearing a guy’s mom scream at her nearly 40 year old boyfriend like a teenager). Needless to say, this shit is getting old.Ultimately, he did this for the right reason and I admire him for that, but he is doing nothing to change the situation or heal. I enjoy being with him, but this is too damn much. I have made recommendations that she sell the house for something smaller that she can afford and maintain on her own. She is hesitant as she feels closer to her deceased husband in their house. She is very religious, has his things unmoved since his passing and a shrine to him. So then I look like a total dick because admittedly, I don’t know what it’s like to lose a parent/spouse. I have recommended therapy or grief counseling yet they refuse.I haven’t been specific about next steps with him, I’m just asking that he do something... anything... to change this situation because I can’t continue to be in a relationship with the two of them anymore.Recommendations on how to approach this?