I'm [21/M] stuck

Hi,

I'm 21 years old and have no idea what I'm doing relationship-wise. I fear intimacy, yet long for it. I want to be loved by someone, but find it very hard to love someone myself. I'm quite emotionless (didn't cry or really feel hurt at the funeral of my grandma or when losing my favourite cat and never cry over movies or anything). I have never been in a relationship and had platonic sex once, which I didn't enjoy at all (the person it was with is someone I don't like at all and I hate myself for it that she was my first time).
I have friends but the coronavirus shows how bad I am at maintaining friends. Since the start I have seen only one of my friends. They're good friends, but they have other friend groups as well which I don't really, making me feel lonely all the time.
I have waves of depression (now is one haha) where I just regret so much in my life and I believe this feeling will never leave me. I was born into this state of mood swings.
Relationship wise I just feel stuck. I have no problem talking to girls or whatsoever, but I do not meet a lot of new people since I don't have that much friends. I also look about 4 years younger than I actually am which doesn't help as well.
I'm afraid of pursuing relationships because I'm not really in love and doubt that I will be. I have been talking to a girl for a long time and I know her for two years, yet I'm scared to go a step further and ask her out because I don't know if I will be able to love her. Then again I don't want to wait another year for a relationship, especially since my mom is constantly nagging for me to come home with a girlfriend, especially since my younger brother has no trouble doing that.

I met a girl from England and she is the only girl I have ever had such a good connection with, but somehow I fucked it up be declining sex and making up some stupid reason for it , while it was actually pretty easy to explain.
What I'm really asking is has anyone here been in a similiar situation regarding relationships, feeling stuck? Regretting things they haven't pursued all the time? Should I text the girl from Vietnam, should I go for the girl I'm talking to now or should I go for a girl I have seen once and had a good conversation with and later met her on Tinder and hit it off there? So many options and so little direction. Please help me. I am stuck.

TL;DR: Am stuck choosing for relationships. I feel as if I'm not capable of loving someone. Anyone has ever felt the same way?

Submitted April 22, 2020 at 11:25PM

Hi,I'm 21 years old and have no idea what I'm doing relationship-wise. I fear intimacy, yet long for it. I want to be loved by someone, but find it very hard to love someone myself. I'm quite emotionless (didn't cry or really feel hurt at the funeral of my grandma or when losing my favourite cat and never cry over movies or anything). I have never been in a relationship and had platonic sex once, which I didn't enjoy at all (the person it was with is someone I don't like at all and I hate myself for it that she was my first time).I have friends but the coronavirus shows how bad I am at maintaining friends. Since the start I have seen only one of my friends. They're good friends, but they have other friend groups as well which I don't really, making me feel lonely all the time.I have waves of depression (now is one haha) where I just regret so much in my life and I believe this feeling will never leave me. I was born into this state of mood swings.Relationship wise I just feel stuck. I have no problem talking to girls or whatsoever, but I do not meet a lot of new people since I don't have that much friends. I also look about 4 years younger than I actually am which doesn't help as well.I'm afraid of pursuing relationships because I'm not really in love and doubt that I will be. I have been talking to a girl for a long time and I know her for two years, yet I'm scared to go a step further and ask her out because I don't know if I will be able to love her. Then again I don't want to wait another year for a relationship, especially since my mom is constantly nagging for me to come home with a girlfriend, especially since my younger brother has no trouble doing that.I met a girl from England and she is the only girl I have ever had such a good connection with, but somehow I fucked it up be declining sex and making up some stupid reason for it , while it was actually pretty easy to explain.What I'm really asking is has anyone here been in a similiar situation regarding relationships, feeling stuck? Regretting things they haven't pursued all the time? Should I text the girl from Vietnam, should I go for the girl I'm talking to now or should I go for a girl I have seen once and had a good conversation with and later met her on Tinder and hit it off there? So many options and so little direction. Please help me. I am stuck.TL;DR: Am stuck choosing for relationships. I feel as if I'm not capable of loving someone. Anyone has ever felt the same way?