Bf also comes from an abusive toxic family background and I am picking up signs I should break it off before it gets serious due to a few red flags

TLDR at the end; I know the post long I just had a lot of relevant information to cover because I honestly don’t have a reason in particular to end this its just a multitude of red flags that result in me considering whether or not I should stay in this.

Our backgrounds:

We both are in college in our early twenties and have similar family dynamic issues. He opened up about much of this on the first date after a couple drinks. He has an alcoholic dad that has a bias towards him and his mom just divorced his dad and she sees like a smart successful woman and he cares about his mom.

He had an incest type relationship with his abopted sister who pasted away. He tells me this story on the the third date after a few beers. This sister was also one of his dad’s favorites. Apparently, my bf honestly wanted to be with her too and they were in love, like they talked about a future together. I know this may sound far fetched but its almost sounds like he was in subconscious competition with this girl who happens to be his adopted sister and his dad’s favorite with his dad.

After this sister died he started partying and just being a looser sitting on his ass doing drugs and fucking a ton of other girls. He mentions how he was suicidal and his mom called him out on being a selfish looser or something for doing nothing. So then he goes to college to do better like he is now. As far as I know he doesn’t do any of these drugs anymore.

I have an alcoholic mom I no longer speak to that has a bias towards me. My dad also has a bias towards me and from what I have seen he also has a superiority complex. We bond talking shit about my mother. He is very controlling. I noticed I got along best with him when I gave him that control. When I didn’t he was very angry with me. My dad also just married another unhealthy woman two years ago who is very bias towards me and she is honestly worse than my mother. I’m in minimal contact with them.

I my grandparents on my dads side are a big part of my life. I’m quite on good terms with my grandma she was essentially my mother figure. I have seen some gender bias behavior from her, but not essentially as bad as my mom or stepmom.

Red flags I have noticed from my bf:

-Showering me with ‘gifts,’ very early on. Like nice dates to expensive restaurants, pays for my groceries, gives me the keys to his car to drive home because I don’t have a car, gives me his airpods, brings me food in the school cafeteria all the time, etc. While I do love this treatment all so much, I really wonder how long its going to last. We’ve only been together two months.

-Almost every time he sees a cute little girl on a tv or whatever hes says ‘see look how cute she is this is why I want a daughter.’ At first I found it cute then I asked him what about a son and he was says ‘no, my landlord has a son and he’s so loud.’ I told him a girl could definitely be loud too. Its an obvious bias. He says he’s gonna be a really ‘protective’ dad and really question the guys that wanna go out with her. Like he is open about all this. Now I get wanting to protect your daughter, I do most certainly as well, but there is a point where it comes off as controlling and almost creepy. I also worry if this is the dynamic he would have with his kids, this is extremely toxic and unhealthy.

-He has this land lord that he seems quite close to. I’d say his land lord is in his thirties. Its almost like this landlord of his is his father or older brother type figure. You would mistake them for family if you didn’t know. He does whatever his landlord tells him to do, even though he pays rent and his own bills. If his land lord tells him to go home he goes home.

When I first met his land lord we were all at a party, everyone was having a few drinks and he pretty much ignored me for a good while as we were all sitting at the table. He seemed to have a quite loud personality, talks quite loud. I’m don’t consider myself psychic or anything but I sense something off like I need to be on my guard around this guy. Now this was also a different situation because they all speak a different language and I’m the one that speaks english so when I mean ignore me its that I cannot join the conversation or know what they are saying unless they talk to me in english or my bf translates for me. Now they all speak english as far as I know, so some of them talk to me and I’ll talk. Its not that I feel entitled to attention or anything its just an odd situation that could be easily fixed with a quick accommodation on their part. I wouldn’t mind speaking part of the language if this relationship went on but I’m obviously not there yet.

It took a while for his landlord to finally say something to me as if he was trying to get a read on me or something and then we all had a pretty good conversation. He kept mentioning how pretty I was or whatever too and I know his wife was in the room which I found a but odd, she didn’t seem to mind though and frankly I didn’t really notice it to much. So after this party my bf says ‘my landlord thinks your not like other girls and how he wants to invite you on a weekend trip with us.’ And I was like okay sure but it was so far off so I didn’t really think much into it. Now because of the virus this trip is not happening.

So after this my bf and I, his land lord and his wife all go out to eat about a week or two later. His landlord, again doesn’t like acknowledge me or really enter the conversation for a good ten minutes after sitting at our table four while he is on his phone. Now its not that I feel a need to be recognized its like hes going out of his way to ignore my presence or something and not contribute to the conversation or he speaks in his language so I cannot understand. Then he finally talks to me when I don’t expect it or something and a lot of times its to like teach me something idk or control the conversation. I don’t mind this, its just odd it almost feels like a control tactic or almost similar intermediate reinforcement.

A couple weekends later my bf says his landlord invited you to come to dinner; my bf cooked and I set the table. Now apparently I didn’t set the table the way my bf would do it according how they would do it in their culture, so I do it like he shows me; no big deal. So then when I was sitting at the table waiting to eat with everyone I put my utensils down from a different place and my bf says ‘don’t do that it’s disrespectful.’ I just said something like ‘I don’t think it is.’ That was not my intention and if he would like to make me look that he seems eager to find a way; it was not intention to be disrespectful at all. I actually wasn’t really thinking about it when I did it and think I did it as some kind of habitual pass time while waiting to eat, similar to playing with your utensils I suppose. Now as on guard as I already feel around being here, I don’t want others hearing like I was intending to be disrespectful, because that was not my intent.

I also notice when I am at his house his landlord’s wife comes into my bfs room multiple times to ask questions for give him something, I mean like a mom would do. Now if this was were I lived, and I paid rent, I’d have a serious problem with my lack as privacy as an adult but my bf doesn’t seem to mind.

-My bf seems to like to make me jealous too. Or tries to get me to react by sending different memes or articles I may disagree with. I get the feeling like he is trying actually trying to make me jealous or upset from the multitude of times he’s done it. I told him about how my 50 year old neighbor did something kind of odd, like sexual way how he kept saying things to me; I avoid this avoid guy now for the record and its stopped. After I tell my bf this he says, ‘I saw your neighbor he looks like a cool guy.’ At first I wanted to get mad and then I just rolled my eyes in disgust and said, ‘thats what he wants you to think.’

-He keeps meanioning exes and other girls and at first I didn’t really notice but now I notice he does it a lot. I was with my bf and he says ‘oh I forgot to tell you this story,’ so be proceeds to explain how he was at this party with his landlord, and he mentions how this girl asks my bf if he had a gf and his landlord speaks up for my bf, ‘he has a gf and she’s better than you,’ referring to me. Now partially I’m flattered however I told my bf thats kinda mean of your landlord to say to a girl that doesn’t know your dating someone. It almost sounds like his landlord is idealizing me in a way idk, and I’m sure once I make one wrong move this landlord is going to try to break me and my bf up or do a smear campaign of me. My bf also mentions they were all pretty drunk. And was saying about how is landlord ‘saved him’ from this situation. I also told my bf ‘why couldn’t you say you had a gf why’d your landlord have to do it?’

My bf also talks a lot about his exes and compares, I mean like during sex too, he’s done it like twice. I don’t mind a few stories here and there and I used to think I talked a lot about my exes, but there a point where I think he’s trying to make me jealous and its annoying.

-He’s friends with a lot of girls, I’m friends with more of the opposite gender too. There this one girl in his class I think who likes him too he talks about her a lot, I wanna give him the benefit of the doubt and say they are friends and thats okay but the amount of girls and their relationship seems a bit odd sometimes.

-We litterally met because he witnessed an argument me and my instructor who I will admit admittedly reminds me a lot of my father (as weird as this sounds) who I have little respect for many reasons, and I were in the middle of an argument about getting the food out for the customer (my future bf). While we were fighting over the food I sort of subconsciously used my future bf to make my instructor look bad by turning to my bf saying ‘oh so sorry about the wait’ and rolling my eyes and such to make my teacher look bad multiple times.

I never thought I’d see my bf again and then he kept coming back and asks if I’m ‘okay’ after what happened with my instructor. At first I didn’t even recognize him and then he finally ask me out after coming back a few more times. Idk what exactly made him attracted to me, I’m pretty average but he told me how he had a crush on me after that or something.

-He dresses more expensive than me in general. I don’t have a lot of money but I don’t feel the need to put too much money or time into my appearance. I honestly dress like a tom boy and only were foundation. He seems to dress in more expensive name brand clothes and dyes his hair... this may seem like a petty thing to notice but I’ve noticed it from selfish personalities in general which he doesn’t seem to exhibit too much yet...

In terms of pros; we also have this really good kind of traditional type of relationship. He’s really smart and dare I say so am it just in a really balancing type of way. He likes to be in control but it doesn’t seem like its to the point where it is over bearing and I honestly like it and am attracted to this role. He hasn’t seem to have gotten angry with me or lost his shit either which I like. Other than him attempting to get me to react I feel quite relaxed in this relationship emotionally, however I also think that may be due to the insecurity I can smell on him that makes me feel more relaxed, which could bite me in the ass in the end.

TLDR; Bf has exhibited some red flags in the relationship, trying to get me jealous and react, focus on appearances, similar toxic family background, close with his controlling landlord almost like family, seems to want a daughter and mentions it a lot but not a son. He has mentioned a history with drugs and suicidal tendencies, gives me a lot of ‘gifts’ even lets me drive his car home, or gives me his airpods, while I’m flattered by these ‘gifts,’ did I mention it only been two months?

With an accumulation of repeated behavior that has me thinking red flags, I am wondering whether I should just move on now rather kicking myself for not leaving when my intuition and when the facts in front of me where telling me this, or should I give it more time?

Submitted March 23, 2020 at 11:55PM

TLDR at the end; I know the post long I just had a lot of relevant information to cover because I honestly don’t have a reason in particular to end this its just a multitude of red flags that result in me considering whether or not I should stay in this.Our backgrounds:We both are in college in our early twenties and have similar family dynamic issues. He opened up about much of this on the first date after a couple drinks. He has an alcoholic dad that has a bias towards him and his mom just divorced his dad and she sees like a smart successful woman and he cares about his mom.He had an incest type relationship with his abopted sister who pasted away. He tells me this story on the the third date after a few beers. This sister was also one of his dad’s favorites. Apparently, my bf honestly wanted to be with her too and they were in love, like they talked about a future together. I know this may sound far fetched but its almost sounds like he was in subconscious competition with this girl who happens to be his adopted sister and his dad’s favorite with his dad.After this sister died he started partying and just being a looser sitting on his ass doing drugs and fucking a ton of other girls. He mentions how he was suicidal and his mom called him out on being a selfish looser or something for doing nothing. So then he goes to college to do better like he is now. As far as I know he doesn’t do any of these drugs anymore.I have an alcoholic mom I no longer speak to that has a bias towards me. My dad also has a bias towards me and from what I have seen he also has a superiority complex. We bond talking shit about my mother. He is very controlling. I noticed I got along best with him when I gave him that control. When I didn’t he was very angry with me. My dad also just married another unhealthy woman two years ago who is very bias towards me and she is honestly worse than my mother. I’m in minimal contact with them.I my grandparents on my dads side are a big part of my life. I’m quite on good terms with my grandma she was essentially my mother figure. I have seen some gender bias behavior from her, but not essentially as bad as my mom or stepmom.Red flags I have noticed from my bf:-Showering me with ‘gifts,’ very early on. Like nice dates to expensive restaurants, pays for my groceries, gives me the keys to his car to drive home because I don’t have a car, gives me his airpods, brings me food in the school cafeteria all the time, etc. While I do love this treatment all so much, I really wonder how long its going to last. We’ve only been together two months.-Almost every time he sees a cute little girl on a tv or whatever hes says ‘see look how cute she is this is why I want a daughter.’ At first I found it cute then I asked him what about a son and he was says ‘no, my landlord has a son and he’s so loud.’ I told him a girl could definitely be loud too. Its an obvious bias. He says he’s gonna be a really ‘protective’ dad and really question the guys that wanna go out with her. Like he is open about all this. Now I get wanting to protect your daughter, I do most certainly as well, but there is a point where it comes off as controlling and almost creepy. I also worry if this is the dynamic he would have with his kids, this is extremely toxic and unhealthy.-He has this land lord that he seems quite close to. I’d say his land lord is in his thirties. Its almost like this landlord of his is his father or older brother type figure. You would mistake them for family if you didn’t know. He does whatever his landlord tells him to do, even though he pays rent and his own bills. If his land lord tells him to go home he goes home.When I first met his land lord we were all at a party, everyone was having a few drinks and he pretty much ignored me for a good while as we were all sitting at the table. He seemed to have a quite loud personality, talks quite loud. I’m don’t consider myself psychic or anything but I sense something off like I need to be on my guard around this guy. Now this was also a different situation because they all speak a different language and I’m the one that speaks english so when I mean ignore me its that I cannot join the conversation or know what they are saying unless they talk to me in english or my bf translates for me. Now they all speak english as far as I know, so some of them talk to me and I’ll talk. Its not that I feel entitled to attention or anything its just an odd situation that could be easily fixed with a quick accommodation on their part. I wouldn’t mind speaking part of the language if this relationship went on but I’m obviously not there yet.It took a while for his landlord to finally say something to me as if he was trying to get a read on me or something and then we all had a pretty good conversation. He kept mentioning how pretty I was or whatever too and I know his wife was in the room which I found a but odd, she didn’t seem to mind though and frankly I didn’t really notice it to much. So after this party my bf says ‘my landlord thinks your not like other girls and how he wants to invite you on a weekend trip with us.’ And I was like okay sure but it was so far off so I didn’t really think much into it. Now because of the virus this trip is not happening.So after this my bf and I, his land lord and his wife all go out to eat about a week or two later. His landlord, again doesn’t like acknowledge me or really enter the conversation for a good ten minutes after sitting at our table four while he is on his phone. Now its not that I feel a need to be recognized its like hes going out of his way to ignore my presence or something and not contribute to the conversation or he speaks in his language so I cannot understand. Then he finally talks to me when I don’t expect it or something and a lot of times its to like teach me something idk or control the conversation. I don’t mind this, its just odd it almost feels like a control tactic or almost similar intermediate reinforcement.A couple weekends later my bf says his landlord invited you to come to dinner; my bf cooked and I set the table. Now apparently I didn’t set the table the way my bf would do it according how they would do it in their culture, so I do it like he shows me; no big deal. So then when I was sitting at the table waiting to eat with everyone I put my utensils down from a different place and my bf says ‘don’t do that it’s disrespectful.’ I just said something like ‘I don’t think it is.’ That was not my intention and if he would like to make me look that he seems eager to find a way; it was not intention to be disrespectful at all. I actually wasn’t really thinking about it when I did it and think I did it as some kind of habitual pass time while waiting to eat, similar to playing with your utensils I suppose. Now as on guard as I already feel around being here, I don’t want others hearing like I was intending to be disrespectful, because that was not my intent.I also notice when I am at his house his landlord’s wife comes into my bfs room multiple times to ask questions for give him something, I mean like a mom would do. Now if this was were I lived, and I paid rent, I’d have a serious problem with my lack as privacy as an adult but my bf doesn’t seem to mind.-My bf seems to like to make me jealous too. Or tries to get me to react by sending different memes or articles I may disagree with. I get the feeling like he is trying actually trying to make me jealous or upset from the multitude of times he’s done it. I told him about how my 50 year old neighbor did something kind of odd, like sexual way how he kept saying things to me; I avoid this avoid guy now for the record and its stopped. After I tell my bf this he says, ‘I saw your neighbor he looks like a cool guy.’ At first I wanted to get mad and then I just rolled my eyes in disgust and said, ‘thats what he wants you to think.’-He keeps meanioning exes and other girls and at first I didn’t really notice but now I notice he does it a lot. I was with my bf and he says ‘oh I forgot to tell you this story,’ so be proceeds to explain how he was at this party with his landlord, and he mentions how this girl asks my bf if he had a gf and his landlord speaks up for my bf, ‘he has a gf and she’s better than you,’ referring to me. Now partially I’m flattered however I told my bf thats kinda mean of your landlord to say to a girl that doesn’t know your dating someone. It almost sounds like his landlord is idealizing me in a way idk, and I’m sure once I make one wrong move this landlord is going to try to break me and my bf up or do a smear campaign of me. My bf also mentions they were all pretty drunk. And was saying about how is landlord ‘saved him’ from this situation. I also told my bf ‘why couldn’t you say you had a gf why’d your landlord have to do it?’My bf also talks a lot about his exes and compares, I mean like during sex too, he’s done it like twice. I don’t mind a few stories here and there and I used to think I talked a lot about my exes, but there a point where I think he’s trying to make me jealous and its annoying.-He’s friends with a lot of girls, I’m friends with more of the opposite gender too. There this one girl in his class I think who likes him too he talks about her a lot, I wanna give him the benefit of the doubt and say they are friends and thats okay but the amount of girls and their relationship seems a bit odd sometimes.-We litterally met because he witnessed an argument me and my instructor who I will admit admittedly reminds me a lot of my father (as weird as this sounds) who I have little respect for many reasons, and I were in the middle of an argument about getting the food out for the customer (my future bf). While we were fighting over the food I sort of subconsciously used my future bf to make my instructor look bad by turning to my bf saying ‘oh so sorry about the wait’ and rolling my eyes and such to make my teacher look bad multiple times.I never thought I’d see my bf again and then he kept coming back and asks if I’m ‘okay’ after what happened with my instructor. At first I didn’t even recognize him and then he finally ask me out after coming back a few more times. Idk what exactly made him attracted to me, I’m pretty average but he told me how he had a crush on me after that or something.-He dresses more expensive than me in general. I don’t have a lot of money but I don’t feel the need to put too much money or time into my appearance. I honestly dress like a tom boy and only were foundation. He seems to dress in more expensive name brand clothes and dyes his hair... this may seem like a petty thing to notice but I’ve noticed it from selfish personalities in general which he doesn’t seem to exhibit too much yet...In terms of pros; we also have this really good kind of traditional type of relationship. He’s really smart and dare I say so am it just in a really balancing type of way. He likes to be in control but it doesn’t seem like its to the point where it is over bearing and I honestly like it and am attracted to this role. He hasn’t seem to have gotten angry with me or lost his shit either which I like. Other than him attempting to get me to react I feel quite relaxed in this relationship emotionally, however I also think that may be due to the insecurity I can smell on him that makes me feel more relaxed, which could bite me in the ass in the end.TLDR; Bf has exhibited some red flags in the relationship, trying to get me jealous and react, focus on appearances, similar toxic family background, close with his controlling landlord almost like family, seems to want a daughter and mentions it a lot but not a son. He has mentioned a history with drugs and suicidal tendencies, gives me a lot of ‘gifts’ even lets me drive his car home, or gives me his airpods, while I’m flattered by these ‘gifts,’ did I mention it only been two months?With an accumulation of repeated behavior that has me thinking red flags, I am wondering whether I should just move on now rather kicking myself for not leaving when my intuition and when the facts in front of me where telling me this, or should I give it more time?