I (25f) dont know if Im holding back because I dont want to get hurt or if Im not in love with my BF (25M) anymore

Ive been in a relationship with my boyfriend for five years and live with each other now.

The relationship started off great. He was there for me for many big events where I needed support such as grad school, and both of my parents falling ill. He really gets along with my family and its clear he cares.

However, the past year hasn’t been easy and I feel like our relationship has plateaued. We’ve been fighting a lot and I think its because of the distance between us. Since living together, he considers doing groceries or chores “hanging out”. He hasnt planned date nights or anything that constitutes as quality time for a while now and hes okay with that. His rationale is that we see each other every day. This is exasperated by his regular guy nights. God forbid anything gets in the way of that. I think its fine that couples shouldnt do everything together. In fact thats how it should be.

But when Ive brought up the fact that weve been distant he says 1) were always together anyways 2) he never sees his friend

The second part isnt true at all. In fact, when we make plans to do something he cancels all the time and uses the rational that he never sees his friend (despite the fact that he has seen his friend every week).

These fights weve had have always ended in these big blow outs. Hurtful things are said. I think a part of the reason why they end so poorly is because I hate being disappointed and prevent my disappointment by holding no expectations. Unfortunately, when we make plans and he cancels them for boys night, I get extremely disappointed because I was looking forward to hanging out.

Because of our plans, Id make my calendar based on his broken plans. I wasnt making plans with other friends and I started to get lonely. I feel sad and alone all the time because of this loneliness.

In the past we used to talk about marriage, weddings, et c. In fact, he would come home and tell me that this is the year its going to happen for us. Well, were almost at the end of the year and nothing has happened. This was one of the irrational things that came out during our last fight and he said that well, were not stable enough for that then and that Im always fighting with him. This brought me down and I told him that I didnt want to be in this relationship if it feels like were not stable enough when we used to be. This changed the tone of the fight and he insisted he was wrong. Hes been a trying a little more every since.

Hes become more patient. Hes trying to be more loving. He hugs me in public again and he tries to hold my hand again. Now its not back to the levels we were at when we were amazing but its better than what it was before. But were not talking the way we used to and he still doesnt listen to me when I talk. We still havent had any date nights.

But Im finding myself to be really distant. I dont know if its because Im depressed again (ive dealt with this my whole life) or if Im holding back because I dont want to get hurt. Or Im really not in love anymore and that last fight was the straw that broke the camels back.

What do I do? Ive tried to have “the talk” with him but he insists hes fine and that hes still in love with me.

TLDR; 5 year relationship has plateaued. Weve had a rocky few months with lots of fighting and one last big fight changed us in different ways. Hes trying now but I feel like Im locked in. I dont know if Im trying to protect myself or if Im really out of love after our last fight.

Submitted December 04, 2019 at 12:55AM

Ive been in a relationship with my boyfriend for five years and live with each other now.The relationship started off great. He was there for me for many big events where I needed support such as grad school, and both of my parents falling ill. He really gets along with my family and its clear he cares.However, the past year hasn’t been easy and I feel like our relationship has plateaued. We’ve been fighting a lot and I think its because of the distance between us. Since living together, he considers doing groceries or chores “hanging out”. He hasnt planned date nights or anything that constitutes as quality time for a while now and hes okay with that. His rationale is that we see each other every day. This is exasperated by his regular guy nights. God forbid anything gets in the way of that. I think its fine that couples shouldnt do everything together. In fact thats how it should be.But when Ive brought up the fact that weve been distant he says 1) were always together anyways 2) he never sees his friendThe second part isnt true at all. In fact, when we make plans to do something he cancels all the time and uses the rational that he never sees his friend (despite the fact that he has seen his friend every week).These fights weve had have always ended in these big blow outs. Hurtful things are said. I think a part of the reason why they end so poorly is because I hate being disappointed and prevent my disappointment by holding no expectations. Unfortunately, when we make plans and he cancels them for boys night, I get extremely disappointed because I was looking forward to hanging out.Because of our plans, Id make my calendar based on his broken plans. I wasnt making plans with other friends and I started to get lonely. I feel sad and alone all the time because of this loneliness.In the past we used to talk about marriage, weddings, et c. In fact, he would come home and tell me that this is the year its going to happen for us. Well, were almost at the end of the year and nothing has happened. This was one of the irrational things that came out during our last fight and he said that well, were not stable enough for that then and that Im always fighting with him. This brought me down and I told him that I didnt want to be in this relationship if it feels like were not stable enough when we used to be. This changed the tone of the fight and he insisted he was wrong. Hes been a trying a little more every since.Hes become more patient. Hes trying to be more loving. He hugs me in public again and he tries to hold my hand again. Now its not back to the levels we were at when we were amazing but its better than what it was before. But were not talking the way we used to and he still doesnt listen to me when I talk. We still havent had any date nights.But Im finding myself to be really distant. I dont know if its because Im depressed again (ive dealt with this my whole life) or if Im holding back because I dont want to get hurt. Or Im really not in love anymore and that last fight was the straw that broke the camels back.What do I do? Ive tried to have “the talk” with him but he insists hes fine and that hes still in love with me.TLDR; 5 year relationship has plateaued. Weve had a rocky few months with lots of fighting and one last big fight changed us in different ways. Hes trying now but I feel like Im locked in. I dont know if Im trying to protect myself or if Im really out of love after our last fight.