Having Sex Was Agony - But I'm Not A Virgin

So, after 7/8 (maybe even 9) years of being single, I've started University... And I let a guy who's been very interested in me have sex with me.

I feel horrible about it. I have a past of sexual abuse as a child, and I feel like I had lost interest in him, but I just let him have sex with me because... I don't... know? Maybe it would have been a little fun or something, or because I'm 25 years old and I was self-conscious about not having had real sex. Another aspect is that someone I absolutely adore and worship has casual sex, because he's very easily able to separate the physical from the emotional. It seemed kind of... glamorous and wild and stuff, especially given he's extremely handsome and charismatic and such.

So, I've told the guy before hand that it's been a very, very, very long time since I've been sexually active. I didn't really realize this, but as much as he's very verbally flattering and such, he didn't... really seduce me. We went to a discount Burger shop, I paid for my own meal, we went back to his apartment, I suggested a film to watch... And he... Yeah, initiates things. A few minutes of kissing on the couch, then straight to the bedroom. I can't remember if he touched me for a few seconds or what, but he tries to penetrate me. He was actually fairly well endowed (I think? I haven't got any real experience to judge this with), and it's... It's agony I wasn't prepared for.

Maybe I have a low pain tolerance, but he can't even thrust because my body's so tense, he keeps telling me to relax my legs. He says he has to 'stretch' me open, which made me feel a bit queasy for some reason. He can't even get into me. When he tries, it's so painful I have to push him off. 'Maybe we just have to get you ready first'. He tries fingering me, but I'm raw and hurting from the penetration attempt, but I don't... know my own body enough to sort of realize this, if you get what I mean? And I'm so embarrassed to tell him that I'm not enjoying it or getting off that I end things early, cause I feel like he's looking at me like 'Well?'.

For the next three/four hours, we keep trying. I think a little part of me just wanted it to end, so I gave him oral/touching. He ejaculates, but gets hard again in no time. Three times I get him to climax, thinking he'll be satisfied, and then his fourth erection he wants to try a different position, and I'm so embarrassed about how this is going I try it. No. No, no matter what we tried, he couldn't penetrate. He tries to get me to go on top so that I have more control over how much I take in, but I just can't get him in. We nap during that time, cuddling into one another, but again I don't really feel anything. No butterflies in my stomach, I'm just... comfortable with him.

I feel defective, and I don't understand why this happened? I could cry typing this, there's so much I feel ashamed about. Because of my sex abuse, I didn't think of myself as a virgin, and I didn't think I'd have any of this pain stuff. I should have known though, I've never even masturbated with my fingers like, inside myself, I don't think I can fit them in?

He's more experienced, so when I go to the bathroom and see that I'm bleeding, I tell him. Honestly, what I wanted - and this might sound silly - was some cuddling or tender care. Maybe that's just being a big baby, LOL. What he says is "That's good!"

Now, he did try talk me through it. He tried his thumb, and then inch by inch, but it was just too sore to continue. He told me to relax, try deep breaths sort of things, and he said that he wanted to make me orgasm so badly, so many times, etc. etc. Honestly, I don't want to paint him wrong. He was gentlemanly in a lot of ways regarding it, but thinking back on the issue, I just wish he had given up entirely instead of trying so long to make it work and get inside me. I didn't realize I felt this way at the time.

And now that I realize this is kind of my first time, I'm a little sad that I didn't have more respect for myself, that I didn't encourage him to set the mood, or bring a few drinks in, or... Well, at the risk of sounding spoiled, paying for my £4 burger or pulling out my seat for me would have been nice...

We hold hands and kiss but I couldn't have felt any less of a spark, but my mind just had this very glamorous idea of what sex was/is.

Why did it hurt so much? Why couldn't I get him inside of me? I feel like the female equivalent of a guy who couldn't get an erection, honest to God, LOL.

Also, he asked if I was a virgin during it, and I said... Well, technically no? I didn't want to lie to him but I didn't want to further get into it. He pressed on (as you would), I mentioned I had been abused as a child and he laughed. Not a malicious laugh, I genuinely think it was that he didn't know what to say. He didn't say anything about it.

I think I have this idea of sex from my childhood, that your physical state doesn't really matter, you're just meant to sort of... You know.

I'd just love some advice on this. I'm so confused and feeling awful about it all. Ever since this, the idea of having sex again just seems awful. Sometimes I get a random memory of him thrusting inside me and just physically cringe all over again.

Submitted November 10, 2019 at 11:39PM

So, after 7/8 (maybe even 9) years of being single, I've started University... And I let a guy who's been very interested in me have sex with me.I feel horrible about it. I have a past of sexual abuse as a child, and I feel like I had lost interest in him, but I just let him have sex with me because... I don't... know? Maybe it would have been a little fun or something, or because I'm 25 years old and I was self-conscious about not having had real sex. Another aspect is that someone I absolutely adore and worship has casual sex, because he's very easily able to separate the physical from the emotional. It seemed kind of... glamorous and wild and stuff, especially given he's extremely handsome and charismatic and such.So, I've told the guy before hand that it's been a very, very, very long time since I've been sexually active. I didn't really realize this, but as much as he's very verbally flattering and such, he didn't... really seduce me. We went to a discount Burger shop, I paid for my own meal, we went back to his apartment, I suggested a film to watch... And he... Yeah, initiates things. A few minutes of kissing on the couch, then straight to the bedroom. I can't remember if he touched me for a few seconds or what, but he tries to penetrate me. He was actually fairly well endowed (I think? I haven't got any real experience to judge this with), and it's... It's agony I wasn't prepared for.Maybe I have a low pain tolerance, but he can't even thrust because my body's so tense, he keeps telling me to relax my legs. He says he has to 'stretch' me open, which made me feel a bit queasy for some reason. He can't even get into me. When he tries, it's so painful I have to push him off. 'Maybe we just have to get you ready first'. He tries fingering me, but I'm raw and hurting from the penetration attempt, but I don't... know my own body enough to sort of realize this, if you get what I mean? And I'm so embarrassed to tell him that I'm not enjoying it or getting off that I end things early, cause I feel like he's looking at me like 'Well?'.For the next three/four hours, we keep trying. I think a little part of me just wanted it to end, so I gave him oral/touching. He ejaculates, but gets hard again in no time. Three times I get him to climax, thinking he'll be satisfied, and then his fourth erection he wants to try a different position, and I'm so embarrassed about how this is going I try it. No. No, no matter what we tried, he couldn't penetrate. He tries to get me to go on top so that I have more control over how much I take in, but I just can't get him in. We nap during that time, cuddling into one another, but again I don't really feel anything. No butterflies in my stomach, I'm just... comfortable with him.I feel defective, and I don't understand why this happened? I could cry typing this, there's so much I feel ashamed about. Because of my sex abuse, I didn't think of myself as a virgin, and I didn't think I'd have any of this pain stuff. I should have known though, I've never even masturbated with my fingers like, inside myself, I don't think I can fit them in?He's more experienced, so when I go to the bathroom and see that I'm bleeding, I tell him. Honestly, what I wanted - and this might sound silly - was some cuddling or tender care. Maybe that's just being a big baby, LOL. What he says is "That's good!"Now, he did try talk me through it. He tried his thumb, and then inch by inch, but it was just too sore to continue. He told me to relax, try deep breaths sort of things, and he said that he wanted to make me orgasm so badly, so many times, etc. etc. Honestly, I don't want to paint him wrong. He was gentlemanly in a lot of ways regarding it, but thinking back on the issue, I just wish he had given up entirely instead of trying so long to make it work and get inside me. I didn't realize I felt this way at the time.And now that I realize this is kind of my first time, I'm a little sad that I didn't have more respect for myself, that I didn't encourage him to set the mood, or bring a few drinks in, or... Well, at the risk of sounding spoiled, paying for my £4 burger or pulling out my seat for me would have been nice...We hold hands and kiss but I couldn't have felt any less of a spark, but my mind just had this very glamorous idea of what sex was/is.Why did it hurt so much? Why couldn't I get him inside of me? I feel like the female equivalent of a guy who couldn't get an erection, honest to God, LOL.Also, he asked if I was a virgin during it, and I said... Well, technically no? I didn't want to lie to him but I didn't want to further get into it. He pressed on (as you would), I mentioned I had been abused as a child and he laughed. Not a malicious laugh, I genuinely think it was that he didn't know what to say. He didn't say anything about it.I think I have this idea of sex from my childhood, that your physical state doesn't really matter, you're just meant to sort of... You know.I'd just love some advice on this. I'm so confused and feeling awful about it all. Ever since this, the idea of having sex again just seems awful. Sometimes I get a random memory of him thrusting inside me and just physically cringe all over again.