Unsure about absolutely everything, but something makes me go on

Hi! I (F, 28) recently started dating after never really having done that, and found a guy (M, 28) who seemed great, he loves reading, has a lot of interesting knowledge, is musical etc.

The problem here, I think, is me. We have met several times now and I like him, I want to keep seeing him and think it could turn into something great. We’re both a bit odd, we share the same values, we have a lot of peculiar discussions etc.

But there are a few issues. One, a part of me I really don’t like is afraid of what my friends and family will think and whether they will find him weird and awkward, think he talks too loudly, that he is a geek. In short, part of me things I am cooler than him and I should have a “cool and outgoing” boyfriend - yes, I know, completely uncool - but I am getting over that by meeting one and one person at a time with him, and I know I will stop caring about it at some point. I think I’ll start to like those quirks.

The other two issues are what I am really worries about.

1. Extrovert/introvert. I am very much an extrovert and want to go to parties, quizzes, talk to people. He is social in the way that he gets along nicely with people when he meets them, but he doesn’t have the same urge to meet them as I do. I am worried we will have completely different needs when we get together - that he will only want to stay at home just the two of us. Even now, I have been sitting at dates with him knowing friends of mine are out having a few beers and wanting desperately to go - but also knowing he will not be comfortable going out with a huge group of my friends at this stage, plus I haven’t told them yet (I like to keep things private except for my very best friends at the beginning). And I would feel bad for cutting the date short and joining them, often I end up going home early instead.

2. Experience. The first time we kissed it was, well, pretty awful. He acted like a devourer, I felt almost assaulted and yet it was very wet and clumsy. I tried to give him some pointers but it didn’t really stick. Then, I invited him home to me after a date and begun kissing him and wanted to have sex with him. I am used to moving “fast” and testing out sexual chemistry early. Again, I had to take the initiative and when we got into bed it was like he hesitated at every step. I had to keep asking him it was okay to remove his belt, his pants and so on. He was clearly very nervous and we basically just laid there for half an hour while he stroked me up and down, no attempts to get “down there” which made me suspicious. I asked if he had ever done this before and he said no... which had me panicking a bit inside. I have never slept with a virgin and sort of assumed we were past all that at our age. I think sex is an important part of a relationship and you should be evenly matched, if one is experienced and the other has never really done it it’s quite hopeless.

We ended up not doing it that night, both because I was uncertain if it was right to do it that casually if he had never done it before (but I guess he sorta wants to get it over with) and because he was so nervous it became difficult.

All of this sort of eats at me. I never imagined having to turn a boy into a man, so to speak, and it frustrates me that he is so terrified to take any initiative sexually and it feels like he just mimics what I do. My selfish self wants an experienced man who can sweep me off my feet, an experienced playmate with confidence in bed (which I have too), in other words, a man who is an equal in bed, not a fumbling n00bie. I am not used to taking these things slowly and that frustrates me a bit too, and confuses me because I don’t know how we should go about this. And I worry that he will become clingy/overly attached too soon when we actually do it because it’s such a novel thing to him. (Not to mention, what will we even do if we hang out and visit each other? lol)

At the same time, I am very flattered that he seems attracted to me even though he is nervous. And when I asked him about the night I realized he was a virgin and said we could take it slow and I did not want to make him uncomfortable, he answered that he never feels uncomfortable with me. Which is one of the cutest and nicest things someone has ever said to me.

Reading this you might wonder why we date at all, but there is something there. Something that makes me want to try, to try to get past all of this. At the same time I am terrified to even open myself to love (I have been in relationships before but never been in love since I was a teenager) and I am afraid of making the “wrong” choice and realizing ten years down the road that we should have never tried. I also think I will regret it if I dump him - I rarely find someone who matches me so well in terms of for example interests or what we like to talk about. Mainly I think it is just me who is afraid to get serious and that I therefore go looking for flaws. (Sexual inexperience can be amended, I hope.) And I also am not sure I would manage to dump him - without at least helping him get more experienced so dating is less scary next time. But that’s a horrible basis for a relationship.

When I think about it all it varies from day to say whether I feel a fist deep in my gut just thinking abut it and whether I feel excited and that this is something special.

I fear I come out of this looking like a b— but I don’t want to be dishonest when asking for advice.

Submitted August 27, 2019 at 11:25PM

Hi! I (F, 28) recently started dating after never really having done that, and found a guy (M, 28) who seemed great, he loves reading, has a lot of interesting knowledge, is musical etc.The problem here, I think, is me. We have met several times now and I like him, I want to keep seeing him and think it could turn into something great. We’re both a bit odd, we share the same values, we have a lot of peculiar discussions etc.But there are a few issues. One, a part of me I really don’t like is afraid of what my friends and family will think and whether they will find him weird and awkward, think he talks too loudly, that he is a geek. In short, part of me things I am cooler than him and I should have a “cool and outgoing” boyfriend - yes, I know, completely uncool - but I am getting over that by meeting one and one person at a time with him, and I know I will stop caring about it at some point. I think I’ll start to like those quirks.The other two issues are what I am really worries about.Extrovert/introvert. I am very much an extrovert and want to go to parties, quizzes, talk to people. He is social in the way that he gets along nicely with people when he meets them, but he doesn’t have the same urge to meet them as I do. I am worried we will have completely different needs when we get together - that he will only want to stay at home just the two of us. Even now, I have been sitting at dates with him knowing friends of mine are out having a few beers and wanting desperately to go - but also knowing he will not be comfortable going out with a huge group of my friends at this stage, plus I haven’t told them yet (I like to keep things private except for my very best friends at the beginning). And I would feel bad for cutting the date short and joining them, often I end up going home early instead.Experience. The first time we kissed it was, well, pretty awful. He acted like a devourer, I felt almost assaulted and yet it was very wet and clumsy. I tried to give him some pointers but it didn’t really stick. Then, I invited him home to me after a date and begun kissing him and wanted to have sex with him. I am used to moving “fast” and testing out sexual chemistry early. Again, I had to take the initiative and when we got into bed it was like he hesitated at every step. I had to keep asking him it was okay to remove his belt, his pants and so on. He was clearly very nervous and we basically just laid there for half an hour while he stroked me up and down, no attempts to get “down there” which made me suspicious. I asked if he had ever done this before and he said no... which had me panicking a bit inside. I have never slept with a virgin and sort of assumed we were past all that at our age. I think sex is an important part of a relationship and you should be evenly matched, if one is experienced and the other has never really done it it’s quite hopeless.We ended up not doing it that night, both because I was uncertain if it was right to do it that casually if he had never done it before (but I guess he sorta wants to get it over with) and because he was so nervous it became difficult.All of this sort of eats at me. I never imagined having to turn a boy into a man, so to speak, and it frustrates me that he is so terrified to take any initiative sexually and it feels like he just mimics what I do. My selfish self wants an experienced man who can sweep me off my feet, an experienced playmate with confidence in bed (which I have too), in other words, a man who is an equal in bed, not a fumbling n00bie. I am not used to taking these things slowly and that frustrates me a bit too, and confuses me because I don’t know how we should go about this. And I worry that he will become clingy/overly attached too soon when we actually do it because it’s such a novel thing to him. (Not to mention, what will we even do if we hang out and visit each other? lol)At the same time, I am very flattered that he seems attracted to me even though he is nervous. And when I asked him about the night I realized he was a virgin and said we could take it slow and I did not want to make him uncomfortable, he answered that he never feels uncomfortable with me. Which is one of the cutest and nicest things someone has ever said to me.Reading this you might wonder why we date at all, but there is something there. Something that makes me want to try, to try to get past all of this. At the same time I am terrified to even open myself to love (I have been in relationships before but never been in love since I was a teenager) and I am afraid of making the “wrong” choice and realizing ten years down the road that we should have never tried. I also think I will regret it if I dump him - I rarely find someone who matches me so well in terms of for example interests or what we like to talk about. Mainly I think it is just me who is afraid to get serious and that I therefore go looking for flaws. (Sexual inexperience can be amended, I hope.) And I also am not sure I would manage to dump him - without at least helping him get more experienced so dating is less scary next time. But that’s a horrible basis for a relationship.When I think about it all it varies from day to say whether I feel a fist deep in my gut just thinking abut it and whether I feel excited and that this is something special.I fear I come out of this looking like a b— but I don’t want to be dishonest when asking for advice.