WTAF Is Wrong With Me!?

I'm using a throwaway on the grounds that I might lose credibility in other subs due to my inherent(?) insecurities. Furthermore, in a testament to my willingness to be a decent person I'm putting the Tl:dr up front. Apologies for the incoming wall of text. I just needed to get this off my mind, and my chest, and solicit input.

Tl:dr After a bunch of pre 1st date ghostings, I made adjustments and have gone on quality dates but now, I'm the "great" or "nice guy, but I'm not feeling any chemistry. Thank you and good luck finding the one." guy now. WTAF is wrong with me? [41M] Also, I'm getting too old for this.

So the long story is, I've been trapped in a weird cycle of app/swipe dating culture for years. (I'm sure I was a beta tester for OKC.) I've done Bumble, OKC, CMB, and most recently, Hinge. (Not even a little curious about Tinder, as I actually WANT a relationship.) I did all the right things. I chose pictures that highlighted what I'm interested in and focused on me rather than groups. I limited pictures of me with fish. (Turns out I had a couple and that's a "thing" apparently?) I made sure to spend time and real effort in writing my profiles, I've had them critique by friends, exes, Reddit, (You guys were tough but fair and that's what I appreciates about you.) All of that culminated with the exchange of numerous in-app and offline chats that 100% of the time ended with her ghosting me... Back Then...

Of course, I checked and adjusted. Sure, I waited too long before asking them out and perhaps my responses to their 3-line inquiry were 4 paragraphs too long. I fixed all of that and basically grew up. I answered hundreds of questions for the sake of increasing my "match ability". Simply put, I did all the things! Ya you know what? It kinda paid off! I got more quality 1st-3rd dates!

Ok. I'm not exactly Idris Elba. (Or Denzel, or Anthony Mackie... I'm more Thor FINALLY, Endgame Thor if Thor was black.) I'm 41 and I'm overweight. I'm not anyone's ideal catch. Believe me, I get it. And for the record, no I don't have crippling body image issues until I need to get undressed every day. Seriously though, I'm not trying to say I believe I'm unattractive. Clearly, I don't believe that otherwise I wouldn't try to date! This is purely my self-deprecating self-defense mechanism for dealing with my unattractiveness.) I've also studied psychology long enough in college, (Minored in it actually.), to know that I own my crap. My issues are mine alone. My body image, my anxieties, all of it. I also know that as much as things like ghosting and being on edge wondering when she's going to respond to my text are little more than neurotransmitters firing off everything from adrenaline to oxytocin to dopamine all fighting to make me nuts. I can convince myself to go to bed at night with unresolved closure on the horizon knowing that mind over matter is the ultimate power. I also know my limits. I swipe to the left on people like I'm folding out of bad poker hands simply because they're way out of my league. So, I can say with 100% certainty, I'm not bull shitting and diluting myself into thinking I'm perfect or awesome or some deity’s gift to women.

That said, here I am again. Almost a year after the last, "good", uh, fair, relationship I had. I'm still in the honeymoon phase. We're spending time together. We smooched on the first date, made out on the 2nd, and by the 3rd and 4th, we were adulting. We've shared our lives and our stories with each other and followed each other on social media. All the while I'm thinking that these have been the best 2 months of my life. I'm thinking how happy I am and how much different I feel with this one. I really felt like I finally found someone that truly gets me. I looked past the awkward conversations we had where I couldn't get a word in edgewise. I willed myself to get over the spotty texting that came in fits and waves. I got over the fact that we had 2 very different schedules and she was only free on weekends. All of it didn't matter to me because when we were together, we legitimately enjoyed each other. The flags I was viewing through the rose colored glasses were in fact, red. (Bojack Horseman S02E10)

Until today... After a weird exchange before we went out yesterday, and an awkward goodbye at the end of our date, and an even more bizarre string of texts last night, the last of which she didn't reply to. I texted her today, (Dreaded double text no-no, I know.) to see if she was feeling any better. After waiting an agonizingly long 3 hours, (It felt like forever.), her response was simply 4 sentences long.

"I'm feeling better, thanks. I've also been thinking... You're such a great guy, but I really don't feel a connection with you. I hope you find the perfect girl for you, you deserve it, I'm sorry I'm not her."

Ouch! I replied to her simply;

"Thank you for being honest. I truly appreciate spending the last few months together. You're an awesome person and any guy better be lucky to have you. Please don't lose my number and don't be a stranger."

I mean, if I didn't convince myself that something bad was going to happen already earlier yesterday, I may have taken that a lot worse. If this was the first time this exact thing happened to me in recent memory, I would have taken it a lot worse. The truth is, this is the 3rd time in a row its happened. It's doing a number on my confidence and frankly, I'm thinking I'm kinda done trying.

I've been on this planet for over 40 years. I've been dating since high school. In that time, I've had 2 super long-term relationships, (5+ years each), that ended poorly. I've had a bunch of random 1st dates. Fewer multiple dates and 4 quality situations that could have gone somewhere and didn't. These last 3 few are part of the last 4.

So yeah... Am I really messed up? Rationally, no. I know I'm not. I'm just incredibly unlucky. However, let's call a spade a spade. How many times you do go to the casino thinking you're going to win? How many times did you need to touch a hot stove before you knew it was dangerous? How long do keep repeating behaviors before you realize you're not getting the result you want? How about the result you need?

After venting this whole thing out, I feel a bit better, but at the same time, I feel a lot worse. I really believe that I'm probably better off alone. The instant gratification you get from the dopamine rush/release of someone matching with me is beginning losing its effect. Now I feel like if I match with anyone ever again, I need to prepare for the worst. I know I'm a "nice guy." I know I "look exactly like my pictures." I know my profile is "Clever and well written." So, if you like what you see, and I've proven that I'm kinda what you're looking for. How did I miss the connection? What did I do to blow out the spark?

Submitted July 15, 2019 at 10:45PM

I'm using a throwaway on the grounds that I might lose credibility in other subs due to my inherent(?) insecurities. Furthermore, in a testament to my willingness to be a decent person I'm putting the Tl:dr up front. Apologies for the incoming wall of text. I just needed to get this off my mind, and my chest, and solicit input.Tl:dr After a bunch of pre 1st date ghostings, I made adjustments and have gone on quality dates but now, I'm the "great" or "nice guy, but I'm not feeling any chemistry. Thank you and good luck finding the one." guy now. WTAF is wrong with me? [41M] Also, I'm getting too old for this.So the long story is, I've been trapped in a weird cycle of app/swipe dating culture for years. (I'm sure I was a beta tester for OKC.) I've done Bumble, OKC, CMB, and most recently, Hinge. (Not even a little curious about Tinder, as I actually WANT a relationship.) I did all the right things. I chose pictures that highlighted what I'm interested in and focused on me rather than groups. I limited pictures of me with fish. (Turns out I had a couple and that's a "thing" apparently?) I made sure to spend time and real effort in writing my profiles, I've had them critique by friends, exes, Reddit, (You guys were tough but fair and that's what I appreciates about you.) All of that culminated with the exchange of numerous in-app and offline chats that 100% of the time ended with her ghosting me... Back Then...Of course, I checked and adjusted. Sure, I waited too long before asking them out and perhaps my responses to their 3-line inquiry were 4 paragraphs too long. I fixed all of that and basically grew up. I answered hundreds of questions for the sake of increasing my "match ability". Simply put, I did all the things! Ya you know what? It kinda paid off! I got more quality 1st-3rd dates!Ok. I'm not exactly Idris Elba. (Or Denzel, or Anthony Mackie... I'm more Thor FINALLY, Endgame Thor if Thor was black.) I'm 41 and I'm overweight. I'm not anyone's ideal catch. Believe me, I get it. And for the record, no I don't have crippling body image issues until I need to get undressed every day. Seriously though, I'm not trying to say I believe I'm unattractive. Clearly, I don't believe that otherwise I wouldn't try to date! This is purely my self-deprecating self-defense mechanism for dealing with my unattractiveness.) I've also studied psychology long enough in college, (Minored in it actually.), to know that I own my crap. My issues are mine alone. My body image, my anxieties, all of it. I also know that as much as things like ghosting and being on edge wondering when she's going to respond to my text are little more than neurotransmitters firing off everything from adrenaline to oxytocin to dopamine all fighting to make me nuts. I can convince myself to go to bed at night with unresolved closure on the horizon knowing that mind over matter is the ultimate power. I also know my limits. I swipe to the left on people like I'm folding out of bad poker hands simply because they're way out of my league. So, I can say with 100% certainty, I'm not bull shitting and diluting myself into thinking I'm perfect or awesome or some deity’s gift to women.That said, here I am again. Almost a year after the last, "good", uh, fair, relationship I had. I'm still in the honeymoon phase. We're spending time together. We smooched on the first date, made out on the 2nd, and by the 3rd and 4th, we were adulting. We've shared our lives and our stories with each other and followed each other on social media. All the while I'm thinking that these have been the best 2 months of my life. I'm thinking how happy I am and how much different I feel with this one. I really felt like I finally found someone that truly gets me. I looked past the awkward conversations we had where I couldn't get a word in edgewise. I willed myself to get over the spotty texting that came in fits and waves. I got over the fact that we had 2 very different schedules and she was only free on weekends. All of it didn't matter to me because when we were together, we legitimately enjoyed each other. The flags I was viewing through the rose colored glasses were in fact, red. (Bojack Horseman S02E10)Until today... After a weird exchange before we went out yesterday, and an awkward goodbye at the end of our date, and an even more bizarre string of texts last night, the last of which she didn't reply to. I texted her today, (Dreaded double text no-no, I know.) to see if she was feeling any better. After waiting an agonizingly long 3 hours, (It felt like forever.), her response was simply 4 sentences long."I'm feeling better, thanks. I've also been thinking... You're such a great guy, but I really don't feel a connection with you. I hope you find the perfect girl for you, you deserve it, I'm sorry I'm not her."Ouch! I replied to her simply;"Thank you for being honest. I truly appreciate spending the last few months together. You're an awesome person and any guy better be lucky to have you. Please don't lose my number and don't be a stranger."I mean, if I didn't convince myself that something bad was going to happen already earlier yesterday, I may have taken that a lot worse. If this was the first time this exact thing happened to me in recent memory, I would have taken it a lot worse. The truth is, this is the 3rd time in a row its happened. It's doing a number on my confidence and frankly, I'm thinking I'm kinda done trying.I've been on this planet for over 40 years. I've been dating since high school. In that time, I've had 2 super long-term relationships, (5+ years each), that ended poorly. I've had a bunch of random 1st dates. Fewer multiple dates and 4 quality situations that could have gone somewhere and didn't. These last 3 few are part of the last 4.So yeah... Am I really messed up? Rationally, no. I know I'm not. I'm just incredibly unlucky. However, let's call a spade a spade. How many times you do go to the casino thinking you're going to win? How many times did you need to touch a hot stove before you knew it was dangerous? How long do keep repeating behaviors before you realize you're not getting the result you want? How about the result you need?After venting this whole thing out, I feel a bit better, but at the same time, I feel a lot worse. I really believe that I'm probably better off alone. The instant gratification you get from the dopamine rush/release of someone matching with me is beginning losing its effect. Now I feel like if I match with anyone ever again, I need to prepare for the worst. I know I'm a "nice guy." I know I "look exactly like my pictures." I know my profile is "Clever and well written." So, if you like what you see, and I've proven that I'm kinda what you're looking for. How did I miss the connection? What did I do to blow out the spark?