Married with Questions about Sexual Fulfillment and Agency

I (36M) recently had a conversation with my wife (34F), who I'm very happy with and want to stay married to because she makes me feel very loved and I love her deeply as well. We talked about our sexual fantasies and histories and it came out that she has had twice the number of sexual partners that I had, despite me not having a small number. Getting her to enjoy sex has been source of frustration for me in our relationship in the past so I was really surprised to discover this. We've been having better sex since the conversation - I've figured out a bunch of tricks to give her a half dozen to a dozen orgasms each time - but the discussion has left me with a few obsessive thoughts.

My wife got to exercise a lot of sexual agency before she met me. Despite both of us having poor mental health and self image in our late teens and early 20s, as a young and hot woman she got to choose who she wanted to have sex with and how and I didn't.

My sister had bullied me as a child and left me feeling like all women would find me disgusting. I had crushes and female friends but it wasn't until working out and going to therapy in my mid-20s that I improved my self image enough to realize I am desirable. I started having sex and the emotional and physical experience of being with new partners was often a peak experience. This change happened shortly before meeting her and, for most of our relationship, I didn't think about sex with others.

Now that I'm in my mid-30s, women treat me as sexually desirable and express interest in me in a way they never did in the past. She got to exercise sexual agency during the time in her life when she was most attractive, why don't I? I fear I'll always feel resentment that I missed out on exercising sexual agency if I don't get to have sex with the kind of people I'm excited to have sex with during the period of my life when that's available to me. I've found myself weeping at the thought of missing out on the positive experiences of sexual connection that are available to me.

My wife has expressed ambivalence about allowing me extramarital sexual experiences. At the beginning she said she was interested in helping me become more sexually realized and was excited by the idea of letting me see a sex worker. However, I realized I didn't want to pay for sex as there are women I value and am attracted to who are interested in me. She was much more threatened by this and it has caused a stalemate in our conversation that has led both of us to a negative place. She now says she would be more open to allowing extramarital sexual experiences if I didn't have such strong feelings about this.

I'm interested in thoughts from different viewpoints position to help me get a better perspective on this. I'd like to navigate us back to a place where we're excited about this again rather than the negative place we've been in recently. Help?

Submitted December 19, 2021 at 01:55AM

I (36M) recently had a conversation with my wife (34F), who I'm very happy with and want to stay married to because she makes me feel very loved and I love her deeply as well. We talked about our sexual fantasies and histories and it came out that she has had twice the number of sexual partners that I had, despite me not having a small number. Getting her to enjoy sex has been source of frustration for me in our relationship in the past so I was really surprised to discover this. We've been having better sex since the conversation - I've figured out a bunch of tricks to give her a half dozen to a dozen orgasms each time - but the discussion has left me with a few obsessive thoughts.My wife got to exercise a lot of sexual agency before she met me. Despite both of us having poor mental health and self image in our late teens and early 20s, as a young and hot woman she got to choose who she wanted to have sex with and how and I didn't.My sister had bullied me as a child and left me feeling like all women would find me disgusting. I had crushes and female friends but it wasn't until working out and going to therapy in my mid-20s that I improved my self image enough to realize I am desirable. I started having sex and the emotional and physical experience of being with new partners was often a peak experience. This change happened shortly before meeting her and, for most of our relationship, I didn't think about sex with others.Now that I'm in my mid-30s, women treat me as sexually desirable and express interest in me in a way they never did in the past. She got to exercise sexual agency during the time in her life when she was most attractive, why don't I? I fear I'll always feel resentment that I missed out on exercising sexual agency if I don't get to have sex with the kind of people I'm excited to have sex with during the period of my life when that's available to me. I've found myself weeping at the thought of missing out on the positive experiences of sexual connection that are available to me.My wife has expressed ambivalence about allowing me extramarital sexual experiences. At the beginning she said she was interested in helping me become more sexually realized and was excited by the idea of letting me see a sex worker. However, I realized I didn't want to pay for sex as there are women I value and am attracted to who are interested in me. She was much more threatened by this and it has caused a stalemate in our conversation that has led both of us to a negative place. She now says she would be more open to allowing extramarital sexual experiences if I didn't have such strong feelings about this.I'm interested in thoughts from different viewpoints position to help me get a better perspective on this. I'd like to navigate us back to a place where we're excited about this again rather than the negative place we've been in recently. Help?