/u/oddonesout2 on I think I'm ace, I'm married to an allo, and it's freaking me out/tearing me up inside

I was more excited about buying fresh mangos than having sex with him.

I find this amusing because my previous relationship with an allo ended over pizza. When I got accepted into medical school I knew I was supposed to want to have sex to celebrate that, but what I really wanted was to make a pizza. We didn't have time for both and I chose pizza because that's what I actually wanted.

When I say I was "supposed to want sex" I mean that past arguments over sex had taught me when I was supposed to want sex. I had memorized that: birthdays, anniversaries, vacations/trips, after seeing each other for the first time in a long time, etc were situations I should say I "want sex" to avoid hurting his feelings.

to think that he'd be willing to leave me over this one stupid thing

One thing you're going to have to understand if you two are going to move forward is that this is not just "one stupid thing" or this extra cherry on top of the whole marriage to him. To many allos, I've noticed that sex is the crux of a romantic relationship. To them, sex is what separates best friends from romantic partners. Do I agree with it? No. Do I understand it? Also no. But I know this is true from personal experience + reddit. From what I have learned, many allos only experience romantic attraction in conjunction with sexual attraction, so for them to imagine romantic attraction (loving someone) without also wanting to have sex with them is impossible. What I am trying to say is that sex is a big fucking deal to him, and you have to understand that if you want him to understand that sex is not a big deal to you.

So I said 'what would it mean for us if I was?' and he just says 'i don't know'.

Right now, he's not capable of imagining a relationship without a sexual component. The same way you love dates and staying up late at night giggling because it makes you feel close to him, sex makes him feel close to you. Try to think of this from his perspective, he probably withheld a bunch of pent-up sexual desire for you, expecting that you were doing the same, and that after marriage you two could finally let loose and have tons of sex! Only for him to find out that you were perfectly fine before and are fairly indifferent about sex. He may even feel like he was "bait and switched" in that you pretended to be sexually interested until you locked him in via marriage and now you've revealed you're not actually interested in him that way. I know you didn't do this (because you are me in my previous relationship lol) but I'm informing you that he may feel this way.

Asking an ace to "want" sex isn't going to go well. In truth, no one can make themself want something. Sure, you can plaster a smile on your face and tolerate something, but you won't truly be craving and enjoying it, and that would mostly be an act. I feel like allos wanting aces to "desire" sex is the equivalent of a wife wanting her husband to want and enjoy cleaning the house with her. Meanwhile, he's there like "no one likes to fucking clean a house." But you know what he does like? He likes to see his house clean and his wife happy. In the same way, you can try to find some enjoyment in sex. Are there any parts you do like? The cuddling and aftercare afterwards? (don't be afraid to request more!) The time it buys you from not having to have sex again? The happiness in his face during/after? Try to use those to your advantage.

One more thing is that you have to figure out what sex means to him and why he sees it as vital in a relationship. Some men see sex as a way to feel validated, they see it as a boost to their self-esteem, they see it as confirmation that they are attractive, confirmation that they are loved by their partner, confirmation that the relationship is going well, etc. There's no way to know what sex does for him that makes it so important to him. You have to communicate with him. And then you two have to find ways to fill that need for him in ways that don't involve sex. You may still be having sex, but maybe he won't feel bad if it's less sex than he currently wants because he's being reassured in some other way.

I didn't feel up for it two nights in a row.

To be clear, I don't think daily sex is the norm for most couples. You're perfectly normal for not wanting sex 2 days in a row. Many people require time for that sexual tension to build and for them to be into it. He seems to just have a higher libido than you, which is fine because men typically have a higher libido than women. NOT always, but typically because of the biological function of testosterone.

I've noticed that a lot of allo people tend to put a huge emphasis on the quantity of sex but what they actually after is quality (the feeling of being wanted, mutual connection, etc). They believe that this feeling of wantedness can be achieved through upping the frequency of sex, but that's not necessarily true. You could have sex 7/7 days of the week with him, but if you just "starfished" the whole time he would not be happy. So you need to ask him what quality sex means to him and then work on achieving that. This is pretty much where I get stuck because I'm one of those girls who pulls the dreaded "dead fish" move in bed and anything I do beyond that is contrived. As in, I'm just doing it because he has told me to. But it sounds like he has been happy with the sex you've been having so far, so maybe talking to him about how to make him feel wanted in bed, without necessarily upping the frequency, would work for you two.

TL;DR - communicate lmao

January 21, 2021 at 11:17PM