/u/dysgr_ace on Advice for a couple who's individuals aren't both Ace

I (22F and ace) have been with my ex boyfriend for 5 years. We didn't break up because we hate each other: I decided to do it because he is extremely sexual and kept desiring other girls. I want to give him time to explore his desire without me bothering, but I couldn't handle it as a girlfriend. We now are really good friends and we are waiting for the right moment to be a couple again after a self reflection time when we can have the experiences we need. It's pretty good :)

So I perfectly know what it feels like and, as the ace in the couple, here's what I wish you could do for your partner

  1. Make sure your partner knows what you feel when you are horny. I had a really low self esteem because I didn't know I was ace when we first started dating and the fact that he openly said that he was attracted to other girls made me feel ugly and worthless, almost as I couldn't even satisfy him. Well. Let your partner know that you love her and you are with her because of who she is. You may feel sexual desires for others, but this won't change the feelings you have for her and that you will never pick another one instead of her. It really took me a lot of time to understand that someone could find attractive people who doesn't know and that they may want to have sex with each other just because. I have always thought it was strange and it took me a lot of effort to learn the lesson and to stop feeling a bad girlfriend if he felt attracted to others! Sex doesn't mean love! And most importantly, you can find attractive many people but, unless you are in a poly relationship, you can only love one (at least, I'm pretty sure that as far as I'm concerned, one people to love is already a lot for me lol)

  2. Some allos use sex and physical affection to show love, but maybe this isn't the best you can do for an ace... But it truly depends. Be hopen and have good conversations :) My point is: be sure that she is comfortable with everything and, at the same time, be open about what you need. As I said, I realized I was asexual too far in the relationship and I felt guilty for not feeling sexual attraction towards my boyfriend and this lead to... Consenting to things I didn't really want to do. This is bad. For both of us. Don't make our same mistake. Be open, be supportive... Please.

  3. If you don't feel sexually satisfied (I mean, I'm quite bad in bed because I am not able to be horny so I don't know what to do and what to say lol and I'm perfectly aware that he may have felt... Odd about it?), please do not cheat. Maybe speak with her about your needs! You could try chats or maybe if she is OK, you could try an open relationship so she doesn't have to have sex if she is not fully comfortable... A relationship is much more other than sex. It is support, deep talks, sharing... You know. I think there can be a relationship without sex and an open relationship seems a pretty cool solution to me, honestly, if you can handle it :)





November 15, 2020 at 11:47PM
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