/u/unforeshadowing on Conflict of emotions - desiring a partner but not sex but still feeling arousal

I know this post is older, but I just wanted to share that I also experience this and do identify as aegosexual. You're not alone!

It's always boggled me because I will BURN through reading some smut, let me tell ya. And also indulge in porn & masturbation when I have alone time. But even in those instances, I do not insert myself into my fantasies.

Now I'm in a long term relationship with someone not on the ace spectrum. I still didn't know about asexuality at first so was still engaging in sex on a "felt like I'm supposed to" basis. Then, at some point, I realized the only way I can get off during sex is if I'm thinking about porn or something that does not involve either me or my partner. I didn't realize other people didn't do this until I started researching. But I literally have to focus on that or I get grossed out by the whole thing. In general, I don't get the urge to have sex with anyone and I've finally realized this is OK and have been learning to set firm boundaries about sex, i.e. very rarely do it.

As you can imagine, it was difficult to explain this to my partner and it did hurt their feelings. They do have a difficult time understanding fully and sometimes feels like it's them, but I remind them that i just don't have the same relationship with sex. We've had to ride the wave together in figuring out that dynamic of our relationship and come to some sort of understanding. All you can do is talk to any future partners and be honest. Do not do anything your not into! New partner or longterm partner!





October 19, 2020 at 11:36PM
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