/u/TooIdleForUsername on Romantic Asexual or just traumatized?

So many red flags... only you are able to tell and say who you are and no else's opinion can/should matter while you are defining yourself.

"However, despite our love for each other our largest problem in our relationship is our intimacy (or lack thereof)." -> intimacy is NOT only sex. Intimacy can be ANYTHING you want. Else you had get a very unhealthy definition on intimacy.

"Sex for me was always a bit of a chore. I didn’t necessarily dislike sex with him, but I was definitely neutral. I appreciated it for the closeness that it provided afterwards, but not really anything else. I didn’t experience desire and I have no idea what it means to be “horny”. Sex feels physically good in the moment and I have orgasmed before, but I’ve never craved it." -> seems like me... grey asexual, than again it is an spectrum. Not repulsed, but at the same time ONLY doing it to please your loved ones. I love aftercare as well, it is the kind of intimacy/sensuality which I crave for, if that's what you mean by closeness.

"We eventually stopped having sex because my husband felt that it was very one sided for him and became uncomfortable with it. He didn’t want it if I was uncomfortable in any way." -> and that is how it should be done with people on the ace spectrum (or with consensual communication in allo relationships). YOU should be the one who makes the call and not anyone else.

"But I worry that maybe I’m fighting a losing battle here trying to essentially create my sexuality from scratch." ->You are not recreating, but finding. That's a beautiful time and moment, which should be celebrated no matter the outcome, as each outcome will be YOU and that is all that matters.

"I’m sure you have all heard this before, but I’m confused. How long do I try to heal myself before I assume that I must be ace? If I have the potential to have desire and it’s just the trauma blocking it, then I don’t want to just give up." -> You make the call on this case. It is only your choice to define your sexuality. Time does not matter. Sexuality is/can be fluid. You might change with time, or with healing, or with self-reflection and in oh so many different ways (maybe you are lesbian? and so on..). It does not matter what or when, only YOU matter and what FEELS RIGHT FOR YOU.

"My husband is confused too and although he is supportive and kind, he has told me that he can’t help but feel rejected because he doesn’t understand how anyone could just not feel desire. He feels hurt despite rationally understanding that I love him and this problem stems with me." -> That's his problem, not yours. He should accept you no matter what and clear his troubles on his own. There is enough material to read, if he wishes to understand and to really support you. It is not a problem! And even less so are you the problem! If he doesn't understand than he should TRY to understand! If he feels hurt than he is clearly not rationally understanding! Seems to me like you are the only one doing something, while at the same time getting emotionally manipulated by your husband to make you carve in and feel like you are a problem.

I'm clearly overstepping my boundaries, but I know of more than one wonderful ace woman which carved in to "please" their husband, get to the point of trauma, divorced and nowadays feel absolutely repulsed by sex and only look for partner which can life on a zero sex basis. Better cherished might they be able to have sex even nowadays, even if only on a rare occasion, but nevertheless fulfilling and loving for both and without all their relationship troubles and drama.

Stay healthy and always remember, you matter first!

September 19, 2020 at 12:04AM