Need guidance for my messy love life

So to explain  my situation, I need to tell you the backstory.

I was in a physical and emotionally abusive marriage for 7 years. I finally got out February of 2014 and met my most recent ex (We will call him Robert) in April at a bar. It was more of an attraction than love at first sight (he is ridiculously good looking). We made out and kept seeing each other for a few weeks, but he was never the "madly in love" type or at least never showed me that side. He never really asked me questions about me - he was usually either telling jokes or talking about himself. A few months later he agreed to be in a serious relationship but decided to move back to his hometown, about 2 hours away, and I stupidly offered to follow him here. So by November I was living with him at his moms, while he had a job that kept him away 5 days a week, even though I was here on my own with no friends or family - but he wanted that job to reconnect with his brother..

From the beginning I was unhappy because I knew his love wasn't really there. I didn't feel it even though he wasn't cheating or being mean. He just was aloof, not very loving, and I followed him everywhere - Everything I did was for him. So fast forward to April 2015 , I find out I am pregnant and our daughter is born 9 months later. While I was pregnant he wasn't really the type to pamper me or get me stuff either. He seemed annoyed most of the time when I complained of pain or nausea. And when she was born, his family were constantly in my house from day 1, even though I told him I didn't want that. Instead I found myself cleaning up after his family while he socialized and they held my baby, even thought I had just given birth a day earlier, and was in pain. I remember one day calling him at work because i was shivering with a fever due to mastitis and was alone with my daughter who was just a couple weeks old, and he got annoyed.

We also had to live with his mom a couple times, and she berated me and yelled me for leaving a drawer open or not doing "their" dishes days I was off, and he never really stood up for me - he treated her as if she was a kid who just had to be ignored but never changing his treatment towards her. The only good thing I thought we had was constant sex, but later I came to realize he wasn't really doing it for me - but more for his own pleasure.

So after a couple of years of that lack of care, passion and all these red flags, I was very unhappy. He used to say I was ungrateful and paranoid when I complained, and I kind of believed him and just went with it. What made it difficult was that he is this happy go lucky good looking guy who everyone adores, and also a really good father. So when I was unhappy it was hard to even explain to myself that I was justified. He just didn't make me feel loved and later I understood why.

So in October of 2018 I started a new job and that is where I found who I thought was the love of my life (still unsure, which is why i need advice). We will call him Carl. He was my trainer and at first I thought nothing of it. He had just married his HS sweetheart he had been with for 10 years in July and I didn't phantom living without my ex, even though I wasn't completely happy.

But slowly something started to happen and I noticed myself looking at him differently, noticing we were somehow connected. I had this huge desire to just get to know him and talk for hours. It wasn't sexual and he wasn't nearly as attractive as my ex, but something about him made me want to be near him. I used to cry driving home from work because I knew we were both in commited relationships and there was no chance of me ever pursuing that.

But in January we finally started to talk when the training was over, and I remember texting him for hours, because we had so much in common and so much to talk about. We then decided to meet him in person and after talking about everything and mutually feeling listened to and connected, sparks flew and he kissed me. It was bitter sweet because at that point we were both cheaters.

Turns out he was not happy either. He had never been with anyone else besides his wife. She had pressured him into marriage and things had been rocky since. He did everything for her, she was very sheltered and somewhat spoiled coming from a rich family. She also never finished him off during the rare times they were intimate.

We knew even though we were both unhappy in our relationships there was no justification to being dishonest, but we also were afraid to leave them and go into unchartered ground, even though we both agreed what we felt for each other was the real deal. Eventually we told our partners we didn't want to be with them anymore and started to spend more time together.

So by May he was separated and I broke things off with my ex, but still lived with him since none of us could afford to move out and dind't want to abruptly change my daughters life like that. That was by far the hardest year of my life. Especially since when Roberts family and friends found out they all shunned me, so I was basically alone in this town again, apart from Carl. I ended up in a mental hospital in September for 10 days. And things were messy with Carl because of how messy our lives were - I was always hot and cold about wanting to be with him or Robert and he was still learning to be on his own, so at the end of January Carl broke up with me. He started hooking up with his best friend immediately after (Karma is a bitch guys).

My ex also forced me out of the house, but luckily I had found an apartment not too far and moved in there in April. But being kicked out, being alone, all because I just wanted to be loved the right away, was very painful.

So in May when I was finally starting to love myself, Carl messages me. We start hanging out again and eventually hooking up, but this time he doesn't want a relationship. He has told me he doesn't love romantically, but then that he does and is just traumatized from being with the same person for 10 years, and that I am amazing but he can't get over his fear, etc..

I have tried breaking things off with him a couple times but we keep gravitating towards each other because we have a lot of fun together and he is a very good friend. He listens, he cooks for me, he makes me feel happy and loved when we are together most of the time. I have never had someone want to please me so much during sex like he does, but still he is not giving himself fully and he has told me it is because he is not ready.

He says he knows I deserve more than he can give now, but that he doesnt want to lose my friendship and want me in his life, but he understands if I want to walk away. I keep hoping its a matter of time and that he truly is just not ready to be commited again after such a long relationship. And Robert has moved on and is happy being my friend, but knowing that stings too.

So I am feeling lonely, feeling like a failure. I feel like I destroyed a life that even though wasn't perfect, it was okay, because I wanted something better. And now I am 35, broke, waking up alone on days my daughter is not with me, not knowing what the fuck to do with my life.

I just want someone who will make me feel loved, who will not hesitate to surprise me with flowers on Valentines Day or prepare a surprise romantic dinner on my bday, someone who will want my daughter around just the same, someone who will take care of me and make me feel cherished. Why is that so hard?

Am I wrong in expecting this? Should I just see where things go to Carl or break things off completely? And if so, how do I stop wanting someone and learn to be happy completely on my on?

Submitted September 08, 2020 at 10:58PM

So to explain  my situation, I need to tell you the backstory.I was in a physical and emotionally abusive marriage for 7 years. I finally got out February of 2014 and met my most recent ex (We will call him Robert) in April at a bar. It was more of an attraction than love at first sight (he is ridiculously good looking). We made out and kept seeing each other for a few weeks, but he was never the "madly in love" type or at least never showed me that side. He never really asked me questions about me - he was usually either telling jokes or talking about himself. A few months later he agreed to be in a serious relationship but decided to move back to his hometown, about 2 hours away, and I stupidly offered to follow him here. So by November I was living with him at his moms, while he had a job that kept him away 5 days a week, even though I was here on my own with no friends or family - but he wanted that job to reconnect with his brother..From the beginning I was unhappy because I knew his love wasn't really there. I didn't feel it even though he wasn't cheating or being mean. He just was aloof, not very loving, and I followed him everywhere - Everything I did was for him. So fast forward to April 2015 , I find out I am pregnant and our daughter is born 9 months later. While I was pregnant he wasn't really the type to pamper me or get me stuff either. He seemed annoyed most of the time when I complained of pain or nausea. And when she was born, his family were constantly in my house from day 1, even though I told him I didn't want that. Instead I found myself cleaning up after his family while he socialized and they held my baby, even thought I had just given birth a day earlier, and was in pain. I remember one day calling him at work because i was shivering with a fever due to mastitis and was alone with my daughter who was just a couple weeks old, and he got annoyed.We also had to live with his mom a couple times, and she berated me and yelled me for leaving a drawer open or not doing "their" dishes days I was off, and he never really stood up for me - he treated her as if she was a kid who just had to be ignored but never changing his treatment towards her. The only good thing I thought we had was constant sex, but later I came to realize he wasn't really doing it for me - but more for his own pleasure.So after a couple of years of that lack of care, passion and all these red flags, I was very unhappy. He used to say I was ungrateful and paranoid when I complained, and I kind of believed him and just went with it. What made it difficult was that he is this happy go lucky good looking guy who everyone adores, and also a really good father. So when I was unhappy it was hard to even explain to myself that I was justified. He just didn't make me feel loved and later I understood why.So in October of 2018 I started a new job and that is where I found who I thought was the love of my life (still unsure, which is why i need advice). We will call him Carl. He was my trainer and at first I thought nothing of it. He had just married his HS sweetheart he had been with for 10 years in July and I didn't phantom living without my ex, even though I wasn't completely happy.But slowly something started to happen and I noticed myself looking at him differently, noticing we were somehow connected. I had this huge desire to just get to know him and talk for hours. It wasn't sexual and he wasn't nearly as attractive as my ex, but something about him made me want to be near him. I used to cry driving home from work because I knew we were both in commited relationships and there was no chance of me ever pursuing that.But in January we finally started to talk when the training was over, and I remember texting him for hours, because we had so much in common and so much to talk about. We then decided to meet him in person and after talking about everything and mutually feeling listened to and connected, sparks flew and he kissed me. It was bitter sweet because at that point we were both cheaters.Turns out he was not happy either. He had never been with anyone else besides his wife. She had pressured him into marriage and things had been rocky since. He did everything for her, she was very sheltered and somewhat spoiled coming from a rich family. She also never finished him off during the rare times they were intimate.We knew even though we were both unhappy in our relationships there was no justification to being dishonest, but we also were afraid to leave them and go into unchartered ground, even though we both agreed what we felt for each other was the real deal. Eventually we told our partners we didn't want to be with them anymore and started to spend more time together.So by May he was separated and I broke things off with my ex, but still lived with him since none of us could afford to move out and dind't want to abruptly change my daughters life like that. That was by far the hardest year of my life. Especially since when Roberts family and friends found out they all shunned me, so I was basically alone in this town again, apart from Carl. I ended up in a mental hospital in September for 10 days. And things were messy with Carl because of how messy our lives were - I was always hot and cold about wanting to be with him or Robert and he was still learning to be on his own, so at the end of January Carl broke up with me. He started hooking up with his best friend immediately after (Karma is a bitch guys).My ex also forced me out of the house, but luckily I had found an apartment not too far and moved in there in April. But being kicked out, being alone, all because I just wanted to be loved the right away, was very painful.So in May when I was finally starting to love myself, Carl messages me. We start hanging out again and eventually hooking up, but this time he doesn't want a relationship. He has told me he doesn't love romantically, but then that he does and is just traumatized from being with the same person for 10 years, and that I am amazing but he can't get over his fear, etc..I have tried breaking things off with him a couple times but we keep gravitating towards each other because we have a lot of fun together and he is a very good friend. He listens, he cooks for me, he makes me feel happy and loved when we are together most of the time. I have never had someone want to please me so much during sex like he does, but still he is not giving himself fully and he has told me it is because he is not ready.He says he knows I deserve more than he can give now, but that he doesnt want to lose my friendship and want me in his life, but he understands if I want to walk away. I keep hoping its a matter of time and that he truly is just not ready to be commited again after such a long relationship. And Robert has moved on and is happy being my friend, but knowing that stings too.So I am feeling lonely, feeling like a failure. I feel like I destroyed a life that even though wasn't perfect, it was okay, because I wanted something better. And now I am 35, broke, waking up alone on days my daughter is not with me, not knowing what the fuck to do with my life.I just want someone who will make me feel loved, who will not hesitate to surprise me with flowers on Valentines Day or prepare a surprise romantic dinner on my bday, someone who will want my daughter around just the same, someone who will take care of me and make me feel cherished. Why is that so hard?Am I wrong in expecting this? Should I just see where things go to Carl or break things off completely? And if so, how do I stop wanting someone and learn to be happy completely on my on?