Abusive inlaws went too far

My in-laws have effectively ruined my relationship.

Well... I never thought of myself as being one of those people to write something into some website for self assurance, but here we are. This is super long so I understand if you don’t even read it but I guess I’m doing this therapeutically as well.

I met my husband when we were kids actually. Our parents knew each other in the community (refugees from the same country but we are of different cultures) but we actually didn't connect until after university. My husband pursued me relentlessly when we first started talking. He always had this idea in his mind that I was his dream girl and he always wanted something with me. I was always apprehensive to date men from cultures similar to mine as I never liked the traditionalism of the family ties and i'm just a non religious and progressive person. I made this very clear to my husband (boyfriend at the time) when we spoke about this early on in our relationship. I come from quite an abusive family upbringing and when I re-met my husband I was in the thick of cutting my sociopathic mother out of my life. I laid everything out about my life, my past, my traumas and he was a great listener, although he never mentioned any ways that he could relate to my struggles.

Fast forward a few years later, we fall very deeply in love and get married. His parents have become increasingly more comfortable with attempting forms of control in our lives either through guilt, shame, scolding, or just passive aggressiveness. I slowly start to decline in my love, affection, and respect for them (as well as for my husband). I start to see how toxic their relationship is within themselves and within the rest of the family. His parents claim to be strong in their faith (islam), but are completely contradictory in their life. I’m not sure if they know I’m not religious by any means but I never really speak my mind when around them due to their aggressive and combative/judgemental behaviour.

His parents became totally comfortable with mental and verbal abuse while I was pregnant (they have a tendency to attack the weak and vulnerable). His mother would guilt me all the time for not spending enough time with her (we were over at their house 5-6 nights a week for dinner), tell me I was a bad daughter in law for not ever calling her during the day, that I don’t put effort into the relationship with them. All while being pregnant, I was dealing with a lot of my own traumas that had come up from being pregnant (sexual abuse flashbacks, nightmares, and general stress from childhood). She would also come to my house after I had the baby and judge the state of my house, tell me how to clean, what to cook, how to cook, literally anything that you can think of. She would just put me down in any way she could. When my husband and I first started dating she would even tell me that I need to wear more make up and dress more feminine and constantly compare me to her “perfect” daughters. She also would never fail to remind me how lucky I am to be with her son. Just typical tactics to bring someones confidence down in order to manipulate and set them up for being more accepting to their abuse.

My husband had a conversation with her about how she was treating me and she deflected (not shocking), and said that her brother recently passed away and no one was talking to her about how she was feeling.

My husbands parents hardly ever work, they basically work part time through out the year and just travel the rest of the year, despite them having major financial issues. They would go to my dad and borrow money from him constantly and my dad would of course tell me behind their backs but I wouldn’t be able to say anything. I would hold so much resentment because of the fact that they treated me like absolute garbage all the while borrowing money from my dad sneakily.

The first instance of blatant disrespect was shortly after I had my son (about 3 weeks). My husbands dad came over and decided that he was upset that we were celebrating Christmas (we’ve celebrated every year prior and he said nothing). His dad does this thing where when he’s upset about whatever in his life, he’ll make up a fake problem to take out his rage on us. He also decided in this moment that he had a problem with the fact that we got a puppy (we had this puppy for like a year at this point). My husband would actually sit and try to reason with this man while he was obviously doing things to maliciously hurt us and abuse us. He would scream like a lunatic in front of myself and my infant son. He threw a parking pass in my husbands face and slammed the door and told my husband that he has no father. Just the fact that my husband would try to reason with someone who was just clearly insane would boggle my mind and it made me look at him negatively. I never felt protected by him.

I was so shook up by this, I just wanted to keep the peace, so I went out of my way and made a roast beef dinner for his dad, we invited him over, he didn’t even eat the dinner, started screaming again, my husband was trying to make him stay, they were literally wrestling around the front door (we also had company over, I was absolutely mortified) and then his dad left. We didn’t talk to his dad for a while and then a friends dad passed and we went to the funeral and then his dad weaselled his way into our life again (see the pattern? He guilts and does things when everyone is vulnerable).

We let him back into our lives (I still resent my husband for this) and things were actually good for some time, until recently. He got very inappropriate with me while I was alone with him. He started asking creepy questions like “does my son massage you? Well he should be massaging you”, he then put his hand up my shirt and started touching me super inappropriately and then asked me to lay down to give me a real massage, I declined and left to work right away (I was dropping off my son for them to watch him).

When I told my husband, he confessed that his dad had been in trouble with things like this before. He has had many women confront their family about him being extremely inappropriate with them. I was shocked that my husband would keep this very vital information from me. My husband said that he just never thought he would do that to me. I feel so lost. I feel like I don’t know my husband anymore, I feel like he keeps so many secrets from me, I feel like he hides things for his family not to lose face but in the process he’s lost a lot of respect from me because I always find out. He never told me the extent of how toxic his family is... even though I’ve been completely transparent about my family life and issues.

About a week after the incident, my husbands mom came over and basically told me that I took something innocent that her husband did and took it the wrong way. A month following that, my husbands sister was in town, she invited me to her bday dinner and then embarrassed me in front of everyone. Once she was called out, she of course made it about herself and said I shouldn’t have called her dad a piece of shit.

I’m at a point where I love my husband as a human being but I don’t feel in love, I don’t feel secure, I don’t trust him or believe in him anymore. We’re going to start therapy together and I’ve been really frank about the fact that this can only go 2 ways. Either we find a solution/ work towards something or I’m out of this marriage.

Through all of the abuse, all he has done is make excuses for his family. “My parents have mental problems, they treat everyone like this, just put up with it for me, it’s all they know, they actually love you but don’t know how to show it, you’re over thinking it...” and the list goes on.... he’s tried to convince me that this is normal and I’m truly just disgusted by that fact.

I never thought I would divorce my husband because we were honestly so compatible... but so many boundaries and lines have been crossed that I’m not sure if I can go back.

Things have gotten better now with my husband after I left with my son because I was done with his mental abuse and gaslighting. My husband literally made my sexual assault about him and how it has been hard to lose his family...

I told him that how he has treated me has been actually insane. Imagine berating your wife after she was assaulted by your dad that you kept making her reconcile with... it blows my mind.

He’s now doing major damage control but I’m just so disgusted by him right now..

I do not trust him at all... will I ever be able to love him and trust him like I used to again? Because I can’t live like this forever.

Submitted September 08, 2020 at 11:56PM

My in-laws have effectively ruined my relationship.Well... I never thought of myself as being one of those people to write something into some website for self assurance, but here we are. This is super long so I understand if you don’t even read it but I guess I’m doing this therapeutically as well.I met my husband when we were kids actually. Our parents knew each other in the community (refugees from the same country but we are of different cultures) but we actually didn't connect until after university. My husband pursued me relentlessly when we first started talking. He always had this idea in his mind that I was his dream girl and he always wanted something with me. I was always apprehensive to date men from cultures similar to mine as I never liked the traditionalism of the family ties and i'm just a non religious and progressive person. I made this very clear to my husband (boyfriend at the time) when we spoke about this early on in our relationship. I come from quite an abusive family upbringing and when I re-met my husband I was in the thick of cutting my sociopathic mother out of my life. I laid everything out about my life, my past, my traumas and he was a great listener, although he never mentioned any ways that he could relate to my struggles.Fast forward a few years later, we fall very deeply in love and get married. His parents have become increasingly more comfortable with attempting forms of control in our lives either through guilt, shame, scolding, or just passive aggressiveness. I slowly start to decline in my love, affection, and respect for them (as well as for my husband). I start to see how toxic their relationship is within themselves and within the rest of the family. His parents claim to be strong in their faith (islam), but are completely contradictory in their life. I’m not sure if they know I’m not religious by any means but I never really speak my mind when around them due to their aggressive and combative/judgemental behaviour.His parents became totally comfortable with mental and verbal abuse while I was pregnant (they have a tendency to attack the weak and vulnerable). His mother would guilt me all the time for not spending enough time with her (we were over at their house 5-6 nights a week for dinner), tell me I was a bad daughter in law for not ever calling her during the day, that I don’t put effort into the relationship with them. All while being pregnant, I was dealing with a lot of my own traumas that had come up from being pregnant (sexual abuse flashbacks, nightmares, and general stress from childhood). She would also come to my house after I had the baby and judge the state of my house, tell me how to clean, what to cook, how to cook, literally anything that you can think of. She would just put me down in any way she could. When my husband and I first started dating she would even tell me that I need to wear more make up and dress more feminine and constantly compare me to her “perfect” daughters. She also would never fail to remind me how lucky I am to be with her son. Just typical tactics to bring someones confidence down in order to manipulate and set them up for being more accepting to their abuse.My husband had a conversation with her about how she was treating me and she deflected (not shocking), and said that her brother recently passed away and no one was talking to her about how she was feeling.My husbands parents hardly ever work, they basically work part time through out the year and just travel the rest of the year, despite them having major financial issues. They would go to my dad and borrow money from him constantly and my dad would of course tell me behind their backs but I wouldn’t be able to say anything. I would hold so much resentment because of the fact that they treated me like absolute garbage all the while borrowing money from my dad sneakily.The first instance of blatant disrespect was shortly after I had my son (about 3 weeks). My husbands dad came over and decided that he was upset that we were celebrating Christmas (we’ve celebrated every year prior and he said nothing). His dad does this thing where when he’s upset about whatever in his life, he’ll make up a fake problem to take out his rage on us. He also decided in this moment that he had a problem with the fact that we got a puppy (we had this puppy for like a year at this point). My husband would actually sit and try to reason with this man while he was obviously doing things to maliciously hurt us and abuse us. He would scream like a lunatic in front of myself and my infant son. He threw a parking pass in my husbands face and slammed the door and told my husband that he has no father. Just the fact that my husband would try to reason with someone who was just clearly insane would boggle my mind and it made me look at him negatively. I never felt protected by him.I was so shook up by this, I just wanted to keep the peace, so I went out of my way and made a roast beef dinner for his dad, we invited him over, he didn’t even eat the dinner, started screaming again, my husband was trying to make him stay, they were literally wrestling around the front door (we also had company over, I was absolutely mortified) and then his dad left. We didn’t talk to his dad for a while and then a friends dad passed and we went to the funeral and then his dad weaselled his way into our life again (see the pattern? He guilts and does things when everyone is vulnerable).We let him back into our lives (I still resent my husband for this) and things were actually good for some time, until recently. He got very inappropriate with me while I was alone with him. He started asking creepy questions like “does my son massage you? Well he should be massaging you”, he then put his hand up my shirt and started touching me super inappropriately and then asked me to lay down to give me a real massage, I declined and left to work right away (I was dropping off my son for them to watch him).When I told my husband, he confessed that his dad had been in trouble with things like this before. He has had many women confront their family about him being extremely inappropriate with them. I was shocked that my husband would keep this very vital information from me. My husband said that he just never thought he would do that to me. I feel so lost. I feel like I don’t know my husband anymore, I feel like he keeps so many secrets from me, I feel like he hides things for his family not to lose face but in the process he’s lost a lot of respect from me because I always find out. He never told me the extent of how toxic his family is... even though I’ve been completely transparent about my family life and issues.About a week after the incident, my husbands mom came over and basically told me that I took something innocent that her husband did and took it the wrong way. A month following that, my husbands sister was in town, she invited me to her bday dinner and then embarrassed me in front of everyone. Once she was called out, she of course made it about herself and said I shouldn’t have called her dad a piece of shit.I’m at a point where I love my husband as a human being but I don’t feel in love, I don’t feel secure, I don’t trust him or believe in him anymore. We’re going to start therapy together and I’ve been really frank about the fact that this can only go 2 ways. Either we find a solution/ work towards something or I’m out of this marriage.Through all of the abuse, all he has done is make excuses for his family. “My parents have mental problems, they treat everyone like this, just put up with it for me, it’s all they know, they actually love you but don’t know how to show it, you’re over thinking it...” and the list goes on.... he’s tried to convince me that this is normal and I’m truly just disgusted by that fact.I never thought I would divorce my husband because we were honestly so compatible... but so many boundaries and lines have been crossed that I’m not sure if I can go back.Things have gotten better now with my husband after I left with my son because I was done with his mental abuse and gaslighting. My husband literally made my sexual assault about him and how it has been hard to lose his family...I told him that how he has treated me has been actually insane. Imagine berating your wife after she was assaulted by your dad that you kept making her reconcile with... it blows my mind.He’s now doing major damage control but I’m just so disgusted by him right now..I do not trust him at all... will I ever be able to love him and trust him like I used to again? Because I can’t live like this forever.