(29f) Learning to love myself post break up— I feel like I lost a majority of my 20’s to feeling unlovable

I don’t know what did it this time. This wasn’t the right relationship for me and I realize that now that it’s over (I sort of knew from the start he wasn’t healed from his previous cheating ex and just hoped things get better.. big no no) but maybe it was the right ending.

It wasn’t a shocking/rude awakening break up. It wasn’t a ghosting. It was someone that’s hoping we stay friends (I don’t think we will). Someone that respected me and was kind to me. And he fucked up in not realizing sooner his heart wasn’t open to something so serious. He broke it off kindly, apologetically, and didn’t make excuses. He still wanted to give me the gifts he had been making for me in his wood shop (I declined). He told me how much he valued me as a person and he knew that right now he couldn’t give me what I deserved and wanted.

So after 10 days of poems, tears, self reflection, and gaining compassion for him and his mistakes... I feel more at peace with a break up than I think I have ever felt.

There’s a dull sadness in my heart that I could have had this peace with myself with every break up the last 6 years. That I stupidly took people’s actions so personally and let them define my identify and give me nasty personality traits I’m still battling to push away. That I have spent more days in the last 6 years wishing for something I didn’t have than ones being grateful for the abundance in my life. I’ve had a lot of happy days, but man if I would have just realized this sooner I would have been endlessly happy, all the time!

And now with all these realizations, I’m still stuck in a question my therapist posed to me: “would you date you?” I told her I didn’t know. I told her all the reasons why i wouldn’t and struggled and cried coming up with the one for which I would.... because they still don’t feel like enough. They still don’t seem to be good enough for someone to love me and care for me in the way I know i deserve. I still feel “cursed” to not have romantic love in my life.

I want to ask for advice... because I refuse to let my 30s be determined by an illusion of a curse... by letting the pain others cause me to feel justified because I identify with being used and hurt... I want to love myself. I want to be able to say “I would date me.”

If you’ve ever felt this way in the past what would you tell yourself/me while I’m feeling like this and trying to kick at the darkness till it bleeds light?

Submitted September 03, 2020 at 10:29PM

I don’t know what did it this time. This wasn’t the right relationship for me and I realize that now that it’s over (I sort of knew from the start he wasn’t healed from his previous cheating ex and just hoped things get better.. big no no) but maybe it was the right ending.It wasn’t a shocking/rude awakening break up. It wasn’t a ghosting. It was someone that’s hoping we stay friends (I don’t think we will). Someone that respected me and was kind to me. And he fucked up in not realizing sooner his heart wasn’t open to something so serious. He broke it off kindly, apologetically, and didn’t make excuses. He still wanted to give me the gifts he had been making for me in his wood shop (I declined). He told me how much he valued me as a person and he knew that right now he couldn’t give me what I deserved and wanted.So after 10 days of poems, tears, self reflection, and gaining compassion for him and his mistakes... I feel more at peace with a break up than I think I have ever felt.There’s a dull sadness in my heart that I could have had this peace with myself with every break up the last 6 years. That I stupidly took people’s actions so personally and let them define my identify and give me nasty personality traits I’m still battling to push away. That I have spent more days in the last 6 years wishing for something I didn’t have than ones being grateful for the abundance in my life. I’ve had a lot of happy days, but man if I would have just realized this sooner I would have been endlessly happy, all the time!And now with all these realizations, I’m still stuck in a question my therapist posed to me: “would you date you?” I told her I didn’t know. I told her all the reasons why i wouldn’t and struggled and cried coming up with the one for which I would.... because they still don’t feel like enough. They still don’t seem to be good enough for someone to love me and care for me in the way I know i deserve. I still feel “cursed” to not have romantic love in my life.I want to ask for advice... because I refuse to let my 30s be determined by an illusion of a curse... by letting the pain others cause me to feel justified because I identify with being used and hurt... I want to love myself. I want to be able to say “I would date me.”If you’ve ever felt this way in the past what would you tell yourself/me while I’m feeling like this and trying to kick at the darkness till it bleeds light?