No validation or empathy in conflict

Hey guys,

I’m at my wits end with our marriage at the moment, and I wanted to each out for advice.

We’ve been married about 9 years. We have two children and we’re both fairly career-oriented people. So, our relationship has tended to take a backseat to our jobs and family commitments. We knew this wasn’t sustainable, so we’ve invested a lot of time in counseling and some soul-searching together. But there’s still one major problem that keeps popping up and ruining things for us, or for me in particular.

The best way I can describe this is that my wife just seems to lack empathy for me. I mean, in a pretty serious way. If she messes up, or treats me poorly, she cannot seem to listen to how she’s hurt me or apologize in any way. She has this kind of perfectionist tendency where, if she ever does wrong, she’ll defend herself until the bitter end and make everything seem like it was my fault. It’s like “gaslighting” but without the trickery, it feels just like plain old manipulation.

For example, this recent exchange, while we were heading home from dinner:

ME: “Ooops, I forgot the food. Let me go back in and grab it.”

HER: “Wait, REALLY? They put it in a huge bag and sat it right in front of you.”

ME: “Yup, I was just dealing with the kids and forgot to grab it, just hang tight and I’ll be right back.”

HER: “Oh my GOD, I hope they didn’t throw it away. It’s like $10 worth of food! Why don’t you go and check if you left your brain in there too!!”

... and then later:

ME: “Hun, we need to talk. Your comments outside the restaurant really hurt. I feel like you were nagging me, and you kind of created a scene back there, all over some leftovers? There was another couple watching the whole thing; I felt embarrassed. I would like an apology.”

HER: “Oh hold on, so anytime you’re about to just waste our money, I should just forget about it, like I don’t even matter? Now you’re hurting MY feelings. Fine, sorry, whatever.”

And this continues to happen in various little ways. She does something super unreasonable, or has some kind of outburst, and later defends herself for doing it, tooth-and-nail. Sometimes even for totally inappropriate behavior. It always results in the whole situation getting blamed on me somehow.

It’s super invalidating. It’s like my feelings always come second, and I always just need to “be better” or not “let things get to me.”

We enjoy many things about our marriage, but in other things, it’s me just having these one-sided battles and loosing every time. I’m hurt and I feel like I’m going a little crazy. I mean, I literally don’t remember her ever saying an honest “I’m sorry” for any issue we’ve been through. She just won’t acknowledge that these things matter. When I ask for an apology, she’s totally blown away, like I’m asking her for a million dollars or something.

We’ve been to counseling several times and talked about validation and conflict. I am trying to be a better husband, but I don’t really think she’s able to join into the positive changes we need to make.

Any advice would be appreciated. I am avoiding divorce at all costs.

Submitted July 06, 2020 at 11:39PM

Hey guys,I’m at my wits end with our marriage at the moment, and I wanted to each out for advice.We’ve been married about 9 years. We have two children and we’re both fairly career-oriented people. So, our relationship has tended to take a backseat to our jobs and family commitments. We knew this wasn’t sustainable, so we’ve invested a lot of time in counseling and some soul-searching together. But there’s still one major problem that keeps popping up and ruining things for us, or for me in particular.The best way I can describe this is that my wife just seems to lack empathy for me. I mean, in a pretty serious way. If she messes up, or treats me poorly, she cannot seem to listen to how she’s hurt me or apologize in any way. She has this kind of perfectionist tendency where, if she ever does wrong, she’ll defend herself until the bitter end and make everything seem like it was my fault. It’s like “gaslighting” but without the trickery, it feels just like plain old manipulation.For example, this recent exchange, while we were heading home from dinner:ME: “Ooops, I forgot the food. Let me go back in and grab it.”HER: “Wait, REALLY? They put it in a huge bag and sat it right in front of you.”ME: “Yup, I was just dealing with the kids and forgot to grab it, just hang tight and I’ll be right back.”HER: “Oh my GOD, I hope they didn’t throw it away. It’s like $10 worth of food! Why don’t you go and check if you left your brain in there too!!”... and then later:ME: “Hun, we need to talk. Your comments outside the restaurant really hurt. I feel like you were nagging me, and you kind of created a scene back there, all over some leftovers? There was another couple watching the whole thing; I felt embarrassed. I would like an apology.”HER: “Oh hold on, so anytime you’re about to just waste our money, I should just forget about it, like I don’t even matter? Now you’re hurting MY feelings. Fine, sorry, whatever.”And this continues to happen in various little ways. She does something super unreasonable, or has some kind of outburst, and later defends herself for doing it, tooth-and-nail. Sometimes even for totally inappropriate behavior. It always results in the whole situation getting blamed on me somehow.It’s super invalidating. It’s like my feelings always come second, and I always just need to “be better” or not “let things get to me.”We enjoy many things about our marriage, but in other things, it’s me just having these one-sided battles and loosing every time. I’m hurt and I feel like I’m going a little crazy. I mean, I literally don’t remember her ever saying an honest “I’m sorry” for any issue we’ve been through. She just won’t acknowledge that these things matter. When I ask for an apology, she’s totally blown away, like I’m asking her for a million dollars or something.We’ve been to counseling several times and talked about validation and conflict. I am trying to be a better husband, but I don’t really think she’s able to join into the positive changes we need to make.Any advice would be appreciated. I am avoiding divorce at all costs.