Ex's relationship with his exes and comments on being controlling. Unsure of whether I am what he said?

A couple years ago I got involved with a man who is 10+ years older than me. It was a complex relationship, but now that I'm about a month out, there are a few things my ex said to me that are haunting me that I'm curious to know what others' thoughts are on.

I always had a strange gut feeling about things, but didn't listen to it. I can't say I ever really trusted him. Anyway, a couple months into the relationship I went to quickly drop something off at his house, and there was a car outside. I didn't go in or anything, I just drove away and texted him later to say sorry I missed him. He claimed he was helping a friend with their phone. I let it go. About a month later I tried to surprise him and show up at one of his club hockey games (I had been several times before and had the schedule). About 15 minutes in, a woman came walking in. As soon as he saw both of us, he left. When he came out, he breezed past me, and the other woman followed him out. He came back in once she was gone and said he had injured himself so he was leaving. When I asked about her he said she was an old friend from college, and that I'd like her if I met her, but never introduced us.

Things fell apart shortly thereafter when I was trying to tell him I needed better communication/more consistency, and he told me that I found something wrong with him every week and all of this other stuff that I didn't personally find to be true. We didn't talk for awhile, but then found ourselves back together. When we first got together again he told me he wasn't involved with anyone else. A few months in, yet again, I was supposed to pick something up from him, there wasn't a specific window, so I just headed there after work one day, and when I got to his house, the same woman's car was there. I just left because I was annoyed at that point. When I asked what he was up to that evening once I got home, he told me he was just working outside, and made it seem like he hadn't been with anyone. When I pressed, he told me he was just helping her with lawn equipment. He was quite upset about what I was implying, but I didn't think it was unreasonable. He told me that he wouldn't be sorry for always helping his friends when they need it. After this, he would only talk to me about once a week.

Then things really hit the fan when the next month he went on a trip. He apparently had the trip planned for a year, but I only heard about it for the first time about a month before he went. Whenever I asked about it, he said he didn't know anyone where he was going and was going just to explore. My gut was screaming at me that something was up, so I gave in and did a little investigating. I found out he was on the trip with this woman. When I confronted him, he claimed that she was only there for part of the time because she coincidentally had work training in the same place. I had proof that she was there the whole time. He tried telling me that that was what he had told me. They had apparently been going on trips every year. He claimed they had dated many years ago and had broken up 5 years ago, and that this woman just must not have understood that.

Clearly that was the end of that. During this time-frame, I also found out that he would go to breakfast with another ex of his every two weeks, and would talk with her on the phone a few times a week. He never mentioned this or introduced us or anything. When I brought up how wrong I felt all this was, he claimed I was controlling and that to be with me he couldn't be friends with any females. Even though I had never forbid him from doing anything or whatnot, just begged him to be open and honest with me. It left me wondering if I am controlling or if my viewpoint was unreasonable? I would have been fine with him spending time with these women if he had been open about it and introduced us. I wouldn't have been ok with him vacationing with one, though, to be fair.

Things were further complicated when a mutual friend the other week was saying he's always been shady, and that she was unsure about his overall relationship with his breakfast ex since he's always cagey about it, and that she didn't think he was with the travel ex when I thought they were together. Though I realize that he could have lied to mutual friend about their relationship to get away with appearing to be single. At this point I'm just really confused. Am I wrong for being upset by all of this? Am I controlling? I'm just trying to improve. I don't trust myself or my judgement at this moment.

Submitted July 28, 2020 at 11:51PM

A couple years ago I got involved with a man who is 10+ years older than me. It was a complex relationship, but now that I'm about a month out, there are a few things my ex said to me that are haunting me that I'm curious to know what others' thoughts are on.I always had a strange gut feeling about things, but didn't listen to it. I can't say I ever really trusted him. Anyway, a couple months into the relationship I went to quickly drop something off at his house, and there was a car outside. I didn't go in or anything, I just drove away and texted him later to say sorry I missed him. He claimed he was helping a friend with their phone. I let it go. About a month later I tried to surprise him and show up at one of his club hockey games (I had been several times before and had the schedule). About 15 minutes in, a woman came walking in. As soon as he saw both of us, he left. When he came out, he breezed past me, and the other woman followed him out. He came back in once she was gone and said he had injured himself so he was leaving. When I asked about her he said she was an old friend from college, and that I'd like her if I met her, but never introduced us.Things fell apart shortly thereafter when I was trying to tell him I needed better communication/more consistency, and he told me that I found something wrong with him every week and all of this other stuff that I didn't personally find to be true. We didn't talk for awhile, but then found ourselves back together. When we first got together again he told me he wasn't involved with anyone else. A few months in, yet again, I was supposed to pick something up from him, there wasn't a specific window, so I just headed there after work one day, and when I got to his house, the same woman's car was there. I just left because I was annoyed at that point. When I asked what he was up to that evening once I got home, he told me he was just working outside, and made it seem like he hadn't been with anyone. When I pressed, he told me he was just helping her with lawn equipment. He was quite upset about what I was implying, but I didn't think it was unreasonable. He told me that he wouldn't be sorry for always helping his friends when they need it. After this, he would only talk to me about once a week.Then things really hit the fan when the next month he went on a trip. He apparently had the trip planned for a year, but I only heard about it for the first time about a month before he went. Whenever I asked about it, he said he didn't know anyone where he was going and was going just to explore. My gut was screaming at me that something was up, so I gave in and did a little investigating. I found out he was on the trip with this woman. When I confronted him, he claimed that she was only there for part of the time because she coincidentally had work training in the same place. I had proof that she was there the whole time. He tried telling me that that was what he had told me. They had apparently been going on trips every year. He claimed they had dated many years ago and had broken up 5 years ago, and that this woman just must not have understood that.Clearly that was the end of that. During this time-frame, I also found out that he would go to breakfast with another ex of his every two weeks, and would talk with her on the phone a few times a week. He never mentioned this or introduced us or anything. When I brought up how wrong I felt all this was, he claimed I was controlling and that to be with me he couldn't be friends with any females. Even though I had never forbid him from doing anything or whatnot, just begged him to be open and honest with me. It left me wondering if I am controlling or if my viewpoint was unreasonable? I would have been fine with him spending time with these women if he had been open about it and introduced us. I wouldn't have been ok with him vacationing with one, though, to be fair.Things were further complicated when a mutual friend the other week was saying he's always been shady, and that she was unsure about his overall relationship with his breakfast ex since he's always cagey about it, and that she didn't think he was with the travel ex when I thought they were together. Though I realize that he could have lied to mutual friend about their relationship to get away with appearing to be single. At this point I'm just really confused. Am I wrong for being upset by all of this? Am I controlling? I'm just trying to improve. I don't trust myself or my judgement at this moment.