How do I convince my partner that it's okay to experiment sexually?

This is an odd situation, but here goes. My partner is very well-known by many people. We both have kinks that line up perfectly, and we've talked about them, but she absolutely refuses to actually explore anything beyond the most vanilla sex. It's not that she doesn't want to, it's that she's paranoid about even her most basic sexual preferences leaking- and when I say it like that, it sounds like she's into fringe niche shit, but no. When we started dating, it took about 4-5 months after we started having sex for her to blow me, which is really saying something because I've since learned that it's one of her favorite things to do. Turns out that the prior hesitance was because she was worried I'd be recording somehow while she was busy down below.

I understand her fears. I don't want to seem insensitive here. There was an incident a while ago that probably kicked off this paranoia; I don't even know if calling it 'paranoia' is fair. But it's causing a few issues:

1) I feel as though she doesn't trust me, which I know in my bones isn't true in every other aspect of our lives, but very much so feels the case sexually. It's like she's always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

2) We still occasionally do have kinky sex, spontaneously. But because talking about it is taboo, we don't talk about it before or after, so it doesn't feel very 'safe, sane, consensual'. When I brought up that I did something to her during sex in the past, she looked like a deer in headlights and told me point-blank she doesn't want to do it again. Somehow putting it to words makes it real to her. So now I refrain from bringing it up so that we can continue organically working it into sex every so often, which makes me feel like an asshole.

Would I be out of line if I suggest therapy? She's allowed to have boundaries, and these would be reasonable ones, but her motivation seems like she needs some help. I've tried talking to her about it and she just says that I'm not as well-known, nor am I a woman, and therefore I wouldn't understand the dangers. Again, reasonable on the surface, but fuck, how many couples do we know in the same boat who seem to manage just fine?? Then again, not like I've discussed sex lives in detail with anyone, so again, maybe she's being perfectly reasonable. I need some outside perspective. I don't know if I'd be crossing a line, or how else to broach this.

Submitted April 28, 2020 at 11:25PM

This is an odd situation, but here goes. My partner is very well-known by many people. We both have kinks that line up perfectly, and we've talked about them, but she absolutely refuses to actually explore anything beyond the most vanilla sex. It's not that she doesn't want to, it's that she's paranoid about even her most basic sexual preferences leaking- and when I say it like that, it sounds like she's into fringe niche shit, but no. When we started dating, it took about 4-5 months after we started having sex for her to blow me, which is really saying something because I've since learned that it's one of her favorite things to do. Turns out that the prior hesitance was because she was worried I'd be recording somehow while she was busy down below.I understand her fears. I don't want to seem insensitive here. There was an incident a while ago that probably kicked off this paranoia; I don't even know if calling it 'paranoia' is fair. But it's causing a few issues:1) I feel as though she doesn't trust me, which I know in my bones isn't true in every other aspect of our lives, but very much so feels the case sexually. It's like she's always waiting for the other shoe to drop.2) We still occasionally do have kinky sex, spontaneously. But because talking about it is taboo, we don't talk about it before or after, so it doesn't feel very 'safe, sane, consensual'. When I brought up that I did something to her during sex in the past, she looked like a deer in headlights and told me point-blank she doesn't want to do it again. Somehow putting it to words makes it real to her. So now I refrain from bringing it up so that we can continue organically working it into sex every so often, which makes me feel like an asshole.Would I be out of line if I suggest therapy? She's allowed to have boundaries, and these would be reasonable ones, but her motivation seems like she needs some help. I've tried talking to her about it and she just says that I'm not as well-known, nor am I a woman, and therefore I wouldn't understand the dangers. Again, reasonable on the surface, but fuck, how many couples do we know in the same boat who seem to manage just fine?? Then again, not like I've discussed sex lives in detail with anyone, so again, maybe she's being perfectly reasonable. I need some outside perspective. I don't know if I'd be crossing a line, or how else to broach this.