New relationship is moving pretty fast - are these red flags?

I’m F26 and my gf is F25, and we’ve been dating for almost two months now. We matched on Her (one of the biggest female dating and socializing apps) and started talking on Christmas Eve, and our first date was just a few days later. We spent hours and hours getting to know each other and talking, we clicked really fast. So fast I brought her home and we had sex on that first date. It was honestly the bast sex of my life.

Since then we’ve spent several weekends together, mostly at my house because some of her family members smoke and I’m very allergic to it. So she’ll come over for the weekend and stay a few days. It’s been nice, we even had a fancy romantic weekend at a hotel in Seattle for Valentine’s Day.

But I’m concerned that she’s getting too attached too fast, I know it’s a lesbian stereotype to move fast in relationships but this is a bit much.

The most immediate thing is that she wants to go to Portland for her upcoming birthday for a romantic weekend in mid March, even though we just had a big expensive outing. I definitely can’t afford that, but she says she’ll pay for everything. She’s already looking at hotels and Airbnb’s. She’s always talking about traveling to either Portland or Canada, getting away from Washington. I’m a homebody and I like it here.

She says she loves me all the time, which to be fair I say too. But she’s talking about marriage and our wedding as if it’s already confirmed and planned (she has like an itinerary of wanting to be married before 30). She gave me an 8-pack of silicone wedding bands as part of my Valentine’s Day gift. The other day she started talking about what our children would look like (they’d be mixed bc I’m white and she’s African American but we’re both female so it’s just a fantasy). She’s looking for apartments for us to move in together even though I’ve told her I don’t want to move out of my house at least until I’m done with school in another twoish years and can’t afford to help with since I’m an unemployed full time student.

I feel like I’ve let this go on too far and I should’ve said something sooner. The last few days I’ve asked for some space and she’s called me like ten times every day and sent messages that she’s terrified I’m breaking up with her. Really dramatic stuff, saying that her world is falling apart, she needs the light in her life back. She’s making me really uncomfortable but she’s also going through a really hard home life with her family so I feel like a jerk for being distant. I was really clear about needing some time alone though, and she keeps pushing.

Another problem is that I’m concerned she can’t respect my relationship with my mother. I live in a very happy and I believe healthy home situation with my parents as their adult only child. My mom and I are really close - I’m a mama’s girl and I always will be. We’re very open and casual about our feelings, and share the important things that go on in our lives as well as the small family things that happen to us. She’s told me that she doesn’t understand our family dynamic, and she doesn’t want to feel like she’s dating me and my mother which baffled me honestly. She said that she’s shocked how much I share with my mom, and said some stuff should be private - but she was referring to her getting into a car accident which seems like a critical thing to share with your family! She said that she has intense anxiety and can only be around one person at a time until she gets to know them really well and even then it’s hit or miss. I think it’s disrespectful and rude to expect to spend the weekend at my parents house and hide away in my room and not socialize with them for the whole weekend, like that’s totally nuts to me.

Additionally, the allergies I mentioned have been more than just sniffles and sneezes. I’ve been hospitalized three times in the last month and a half for my face and eyes swelling and my throat constricting. I’ve had allergies before but never this bad or this frequently. I’ve seen allergists, dermatologists, ophthalmologists, every specialist under the sun. I’ve had to go through extensive courses of steroids to look and feel human again. It’s been grueling. It’s partially food related (she always wants to go to Asian restaurants and I have a shellfish allergy with an Eli pen), and partially the smoke. It’s so heavy in her house and it’s on her and her clothes all the time. This last time I was hospitalized was on our way back from Seattle for our romantic weekend, she said she’d take me and was upset when I texted my mom to ask if she wanted to meet us there. Later she told me it made her feel like I wasn’t trusting her as my partner to take care of me for reaching out to my mom. That felt like it came completely out of left field and didn’t make sense to me at all.

There have been tons of little things like this that all add up to make me feel like I’m in over my head with someone I don’t know well enough yet. She constantly talks about how bad her exes all broke her heart and destroyed her emotionally. How scared she is to lose me. She seemed unhinged this weekend when I didn’t answer her calls. She just kept calling and calling even though I said I needed a weekend alone. She even messaged my mother and asked her to tell me to contact her!

What do I do? I sort of feel like I need to break up with her, but she’s a genuinely sweet kind and giving person that I’ve enjoyed spending time with. On the other hand when I noticed these red flags a few days ago and really started thinking about them realistically my feeling for her felt like they fizzled away. Is there any hope for this to work out or should I end things now before they get worse?

Submitted February 24, 2020 at 10:59PM

I’m F26 and my gf is F25, and we’ve been dating for almost two months now. We matched on Her (one of the biggest female dating and socializing apps) and started talking on Christmas Eve, and our first date was just a few days later. We spent hours and hours getting to know each other and talking, we clicked really fast. So fast I brought her home and we had sex on that first date. It was honestly the bast sex of my life.Since then we’ve spent several weekends together, mostly at my house because some of her family members smoke and I’m very allergic to it. So she’ll come over for the weekend and stay a few days. It’s been nice, we even had a fancy romantic weekend at a hotel in Seattle for Valentine’s Day.But I’m concerned that she’s getting too attached too fast, I know it’s a lesbian stereotype to move fast in relationships but this is a bit much.The most immediate thing is that she wants to go to Portland for her upcoming birthday for a romantic weekend in mid March, even though we just had a big expensive outing. I definitely can’t afford that, but she says she’ll pay for everything. She’s already looking at hotels and Airbnb’s. She’s always talking about traveling to either Portland or Canada, getting away from Washington. I’m a homebody and I like it here.She says she loves me all the time, which to be fair I say too. But she’s talking about marriage and our wedding as if it’s already confirmed and planned (she has like an itinerary of wanting to be married before 30). She gave me an 8-pack of silicone wedding bands as part of my Valentine’s Day gift. The other day she started talking about what our children would look like (they’d be mixed bc I’m white and she’s African American but we’re both female so it’s just a fantasy). She’s looking for apartments for us to move in together even though I’ve told her I don’t want to move out of my house at least until I’m done with school in another twoish years and can’t afford to help with since I’m an unemployed full time student.I feel like I’ve let this go on too far and I should’ve said something sooner. The last few days I’ve asked for some space and she’s called me like ten times every day and sent messages that she’s terrified I’m breaking up with her. Really dramatic stuff, saying that her world is falling apart, she needs the light in her life back. She’s making me really uncomfortable but she’s also going through a really hard home life with her family so I feel like a jerk for being distant. I was really clear about needing some time alone though, and she keeps pushing.Another problem is that I’m concerned she can’t respect my relationship with my mother. I live in a very happy and I believe healthy home situation with my parents as their adult only child. My mom and I are really close - I’m a mama’s girl and I always will be. We’re very open and casual about our feelings, and share the important things that go on in our lives as well as the small family things that happen to us. She’s told me that she doesn’t understand our family dynamic, and she doesn’t want to feel like she’s dating me and my mother which baffled me honestly. She said that she’s shocked how much I share with my mom, and said some stuff should be private - but she was referring to her getting into a car accident which seems like a critical thing to share with your family! She said that she has intense anxiety and can only be around one person at a time until she gets to know them really well and even then it’s hit or miss. I think it’s disrespectful and rude to expect to spend the weekend at my parents house and hide away in my room and not socialize with them for the whole weekend, like that’s totally nuts to me.Additionally, the allergies I mentioned have been more than just sniffles and sneezes. I’ve been hospitalized three times in the last month and a half for my face and eyes swelling and my throat constricting. I’ve had allergies before but never this bad or this frequently. I’ve seen allergists, dermatologists, ophthalmologists, every specialist under the sun. I’ve had to go through extensive courses of steroids to look and feel human again. It’s been grueling. It’s partially food related (she always wants to go to Asian restaurants and I have a shellfish allergy with an Eli pen), and partially the smoke. It’s so heavy in her house and it’s on her and her clothes all the time. This last time I was hospitalized was on our way back from Seattle for our romantic weekend, she said she’d take me and was upset when I texted my mom to ask if she wanted to meet us there. Later she told me it made her feel like I wasn’t trusting her as my partner to take care of me for reaching out to my mom. That felt like it came completely out of left field and didn’t make sense to me at all.There have been tons of little things like this that all add up to make me feel like I’m in over my head with someone I don’t know well enough yet. She constantly talks about how bad her exes all broke her heart and destroyed her emotionally. How scared she is to lose me. She seemed unhinged this weekend when I didn’t answer her calls. She just kept calling and calling even though I said I needed a weekend alone. She even messaged my mother and asked her to tell me to contact her!What do I do? I sort of feel like I need to break up with her, but she’s a genuinely sweet kind and giving person that I’ve enjoyed spending time with. On the other hand when I noticed these red flags a few days ago and really started thinking about them realistically my feeling for her felt like they fizzled away. Is there any hope for this to work out or should I end things now before they get worse?