My Past Trauma Makes Dating Near Impossible.

I thought the hardest thing about finding the person I want to be with would be asking them out. Would be overcoming my depression, anxiety, and fear of rejection long enough to talk to someone I just met and was instantly attracted to. But it’s not.

The hardest part is overcoming the paranoia and the fear that this will play out like all my past relationships. As things continue to progress and I develop more and more feelings for her, I’m constantly waiting for my gf to get tired of me and leave without any explanation. I’m waiting on her to cheat on me or use me as an emotional crutch until she finds someone better. I’m always ready for her to snap at me and call me names, to accuse me of things I haven’t done, to lie to me and then get mad when I try to call her out. I keep thinking it’s only a matter of time before she realizes what a pathetic loser I am and I kind of wish she would just hurry up so I can get it over with and go off to die alone. I keep imagining her friends talking shit about me or making fun of me in a group chat because that’s what fucking happened before.

I’m not used to another person being interested in me. I’m not used to them putting in effort and wanting to spend time with me. I’m not used to them listening to my stories and remembering stuff I’ve told them. I’m not used to them bragging about me to their parents or showing me to their friends. I’m not used to being treated nice, and it scares me. This all has to be part of some elaborate joke.



Submitted February 10, 2020 at 12:30AM

I thought the hardest thing about finding the person I want to be with would be asking them out. Would be overcoming my depression, anxiety, and fear of rejection long enough to talk to someone I just met and was instantly attracted to. But it’s not.The hardest part is overcoming the paranoia and the fear that this will play out like all my past relationships. As things continue to progress and I develop more and more feelings for her, I’m constantly waiting for my gf to get tired of me and leave without any explanation. I’m waiting on her to cheat on me or use me as an emotional crutch until she finds someone better. I’m always ready for her to snap at me and call me names, to accuse me of things I haven’t done, to lie to me and then get mad when I try to call her out. I keep thinking it’s only a matter of time before she realizes what a pathetic loser I am and I kind of wish she would just hurry up so I can get it over with and go off to die alone. I keep imagining her friends talking shit about me or making fun of me in a group chat because that’s what fucking happened before.I’m not used to another person being interested in me. I’m not used to them putting in effort and wanting to spend time with me. I’m not used to them listening to my stories and remembering stuff I’ve told them. I’m not used to them bragging about me to their parents or showing me to their friends. I’m not used to being treated nice, and it scares me. This all has to be part of some elaborate joke.
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