M/27 struggling with poor sexual development and expectations

I am 27 and married to my wife F/27 for nearly 2 years now. We've been living together for 2.5years and seeing each other for more than 8 years.

We only have sex every 3 to 4 weeks, if that. We enjoy it in the moment, but I have voiced that I wanted to experiment with more things. My wife is very vanilla and isn't comfortable exploring beyond missionary or cowgirl, let alone any kinks.

This is problem number one. But not the only issue.

I and my brothers were homeschooled our entire lives, taught by our mother from k-12. I didn't go to a "public School" until college at 19 years old. I didn't get the social exposure and sexual development that others get while in school.

Being home alone with little to no friends for so many many years, and having easy access to an internet connection and the technical know-how to hide my browsing, led me to at least 15 years of direct exposure to hardcore pornography. This leads me of course to developing many "out-there" kinks and fetishes. Things that get me off that very few others not knowledgeable of the niche may have never heard of.

BDSM, bondage, Femdom, feminization, crossdressing, chastity, pegging, sex toys, hypnosis, humiliation and pretty much anything 2-3 degrees of separation from these. I discovered something called "autogynephilia" that lines up pretty well with some of my feelings.

Much of this I feel may come from lack of self-confidence and self-esteem at a young age, coupled with a mother that appeared more in control of the family unit than my father.

Another note. Over the years, I slowly bought and hid a handful of sex toys from my parents. After getting the freedom of a home of my own, I've since bought much more. BDSM kits, vibrators, ballgags, whips, blindfolds, nipple clamps, butt plugs, dildos and male chastity devices. I explained to my wife that most of this is for both of us to share and we have used some of the items, specifically the bondage items, to experiment with. I'm not sure my wife is comfortable yet. I will confess, the ulterior motive is that this was really for me because it was all stuff I want child but never had the opportunity to get access to.

I lost my virginity to my wife, at the age of 21. I recall not knowing much of what to do, and my mind reverting to a submissive state where my partner was on top and I didn't do much. It was embarrassing to say the least, we laugh about it still.

In contrast, my Life did not lose her virginity to me. She lost it to an emotionally and mentally abusive boyfriend of about 4 years that also impregnated her. She had an abortion because of this and I feel it still affects her trust and comfort level in bed.

I've explained many of these feelings to my wife and her response is pretty much "you really do have some feminine tendencies and the fact that you are into that stuff makes me question where your sexuality may lie".

I'll admit that I've thought about it too, but I honest to God don't find any attraction to the masculine figure. I get aroused by the fantasy or the idea of dressing up as a woman and receiving pleasure from another woman (The way a woman does) but in none of my fantasies does this involve a man.

So, this is a lot to unpack and probably stuff I should discuss with my therapist but thought I could let it out here too. May crosspost to /r/therapy. What's therapeutic for me to even share this.

Any recommendations? Similar experiences?

Submitted November 14, 2019 at 12:19AM

I am 27 and married to my wife F/27 for nearly 2 years now. We've been living together for 2.5years and seeing each other for more than 8 years.We only have sex every 3 to 4 weeks, if that. We enjoy it in the moment, but I have voiced that I wanted to experiment with more things. My wife is very vanilla and isn't comfortable exploring beyond missionary or cowgirl, let alone any kinks.This is problem number one. But not the only issue.I and my brothers were homeschooled our entire lives, taught by our mother from k-12. I didn't go to a "public School" until college at 19 years old. I didn't get the social exposure and sexual development that others get while in school.Being home alone with little to no friends for so many many years, and having easy access to an internet connection and the technical know-how to hide my browsing, led me to at least 15 years of direct exposure to hardcore pornography. This leads me of course to developing many "out-there" kinks and fetishes. Things that get me off that very few others not knowledgeable of the niche may have never heard of.BDSM, bondage, Femdom, feminization, crossdressing, chastity, pegging, sex toys, hypnosis, humiliation and pretty much anything 2-3 degrees of separation from these. I discovered something called "autogynephilia" that lines up pretty well with some of my feelings.Much of this I feel may come from lack of self-confidence and self-esteem at a young age, coupled with a mother that appeared more in control of the family unit than my father.Another note. Over the years, I slowly bought and hid a handful of sex toys from my parents. After getting the freedom of a home of my own, I've since bought much more. BDSM kits, vibrators, ballgags, whips, blindfolds, nipple clamps, butt plugs, dildos and male chastity devices. I explained to my wife that most of this is for both of us to share and we have used some of the items, specifically the bondage items, to experiment with. I'm not sure my wife is comfortable yet. I will confess, the ulterior motive is that this was really for me because it was all stuff I want child but never had the opportunity to get access to.I lost my virginity to my wife, at the age of 21. I recall not knowing much of what to do, and my mind reverting to a submissive state where my partner was on top and I didn't do much. It was embarrassing to say the least, we laugh about it still.In contrast, my Life did not lose her virginity to me. She lost it to an emotionally and mentally abusive boyfriend of about 4 years that also impregnated her. She had an abortion because of this and I feel it still affects her trust and comfort level in bed.I've explained many of these feelings to my wife and her response is pretty much "you really do have some feminine tendencies and the fact that you are into that stuff makes me question where your sexuality may lie".I'll admit that I've thought about it too, but I honest to God don't find any attraction to the masculine figure. I get aroused by the fantasy or the idea of dressing up as a woman and receiving pleasure from another woman (The way a woman does) but in none of my fantasies does this involve a man.So, this is a lot to unpack and probably stuff I should discuss with my therapist but thought I could let it out here too. May crosspost to /r/therapy. What's therapeutic for me to even share this.Any recommendations? Similar experiences?