I could use a bit of advice...

I'll try and keep this post as short as possible, but I'm going through a bit of a reflective period post-breakup. My SO and I broke up recently primarily because of a lack of sexual chemistry, along with a few other issues in the relationship. For me, the lack of chemistry was a problem. If I'm honest with myself, that chemistry had been lacking pretty much since the start. It's a real shame because, other than that, we got on so well and really cared for each other. In fact, in the days since the breakup, I've been wondering if we made the right decision and if we should have maybe explored all these things a bit more. We talked extensively about the lack of chemistry, but just couldn't really find any solutions.

Background aside, this isn't the first time I've felt this way about a relationship. In fact, I wouldn't say I've ever been in a particularly fulfilling relationship sexually. I've never blamed my SO for this (it takes two to tango), but recently, given the trend, I've started to realise that it does seem to be mostly an issue with me and my relationship to sex. I've decided to take some time after this breakup to really reflect on what I want from sex and from the sexual side of a relationship with someone.

There was a time a few years ago where I actually read quite extensively about masculinity and sexuality because I was just so confused by how I almost had an aversion to sex, despite definitely having quite a big libido. I'd fantasise a lot and find women in the street really attractive, but when it actually came to having the opportunity to sleep with someone (even a partner) I just suddenly don't want to. Initially I thought it was because of nerves, but it seems to be more complex than that.

I've been thinking about this a lot of the last few days, just because it seems like it's going to continue to be a bit of a barrier when it comes to future relationships too. I've come up with a list of things I think is possibly causing this issue. I've only ever had sex with people I'm in relationships with (no one night stands of fwbs), so the list is sort of limited to that.

1. I consistently prioritise emotional and intellectual connection over physical attraction when going out with someone. I've definitely dated people in the past where I've had some doubts over whether or not they're "my type" physically, but just ignored that because we have such a strong connection in other ways. But, at the same time, I have been with women who are definitely "my type" physically and who I still just don't feel that much of a burning desire to have sex with. I end up just getting frustrated and wondering what it is I want! Also, I'm aware that someone being my ideal type physically isn't going to magically solve all the other issues. I did once have a very short thing with someone who was definitely my type (no sex, just making out) and I still found myself thinking "is this it though...you thought being with someone with this body type would make everything better but it hasn't". I think, in that case, it was because there was no emotional connection with the person at all. Overall, I'm starting to learn I may need to find a balance between the two.
2. I have some...unusual tastes. I have a bit of a thing for...ah might as well say it to random internet people...women eating a lot? That's mainly what turns me on, and I've only really been in one relationship where that was even vaguely explored. A lot of women (and men), for a whole multitude of reasons, have issues around food, and I've never wanted to exacerbate those. But, again, I have been in a relationship where this has played a role and I still haven't felt a real connection sexually with the person. There have also been times where my fantasies have been more or less played out and I've not actually got all that much pleasure from it, essentially concluding at the end that these things are exactly that: fantasies. Things in real life are never going to be as good as you imagine them. For quite a long time I just told myself these fantasies should remain fantasies and I should just focus on the other stuff that turns me on. I'm not so sure now though?
3. Finally, I just have this overall sense that I'm pretty shy, awkward, and maybe attach a degree of shame/guilt to sex (I think this is quite pervasive in society anyway, so it'd make sense). As a result, I've often done best sex-wise when the person I am with is more confident and takes a bit more of a lead. It allows me to kind of come out of my shell a bit and feel a bit more...passionate? I guess I'm just painfully aware that in other circumstances where the person I have been with is equally unconfident the whole thing just feels quite...stale? It ends up being very vanilla sex without much variation. I know it's probably an unrealistic ideal to want, but I really do want to at least once be in a relationship where, at some point, we're really gagging to get each other naked. I've just never really had that passion. Maybe I've watched too many movies though and have unrealistic expectations for sex and passion.

I'm not entirely sure what the point of this post was. It's helped me get some of my ideas out of my head anyway. It would be nice though if anyone has any similar experiences, advice to give, or could guide me towards some resources that might help me with this whole reflective process. I feel like, although popular culture, advertising, etc. is saturated with sex and sexual imagery, we actually don't talk about this stuff much. People end up just thinking sex is easy, everyone instantly has chemistry, and there aren't any issues. Ah, if only it were that simple!

Submitted November 29, 2019 at 11:55PM

I'll try and keep this post as short as possible, but I'm going through a bit of a reflective period post-breakup. My SO and I broke up recently primarily because of a lack of sexual chemistry, along with a few other issues in the relationship. For me, the lack of chemistry was a problem. If I'm honest with myself, that chemistry had been lacking pretty much since the start. It's a real shame because, other than that, we got on so well and really cared for each other. In fact, in the days since the breakup, I've been wondering if we made the right decision and if we should have maybe explored all these things a bit more. We talked extensively about the lack of chemistry, but just couldn't really find any solutions.Background aside, this isn't the first time I've felt this way about a relationship. In fact, I wouldn't say I've ever been in a particularly fulfilling relationship sexually. I've never blamed my SO for this (it takes two to tango), but recently, given the trend, I've started to realise that it does seem to be mostly an issue with me and my relationship to sex. I've decided to take some time after this breakup to really reflect on what I want from sex and from the sexual side of a relationship with someone.There was a time a few years ago where I actually read quite extensively about masculinity and sexuality because I was just so confused by how I almost had an aversion to sex, despite definitely having quite a big libido. I'd fantasise a lot and find women in the street really attractive, but when it actually came to having the opportunity to sleep with someone (even a partner) I just suddenly don't want to. Initially I thought it was because of nerves, but it seems to be more complex than that.I've been thinking about this a lot of the last few days, just because it seems like it's going to continue to be a bit of a barrier when it comes to future relationships too. I've come up with a list of things I think is possibly causing this issue. I've only ever had sex with people I'm in relationships with (no one night stands of fwbs), so the list is sort of limited to that.I consistently prioritise emotional and intellectual connection over physical attraction when going out with someone. I've definitely dated people in the past where I've had some doubts over whether or not they're "my type" physically, but just ignored that because we have such a strong connection in other ways. But, at the same time, I have been with women who are definitely "my type" physically and who I still just don't feel that much of a burning desire to have sex with. I end up just getting frustrated and wondering what it is I want! Also, I'm aware that someone being my ideal type physically isn't going to magically solve all the other issues. I did once have a very short thing with someone who was definitely my type (no sex, just making out) and I still found myself thinking "is this it though...you thought being with someone with this body type would make everything better but it hasn't". I think, in that case, it was because there was no emotional connection with the person at all. Overall, I'm starting to learn I may need to find a balance between the two.I have some...unusual tastes. I have a bit of a thing for...ah might as well say it to random internet people...women eating a lot? That's mainly what turns me on, and I've only really been in one relationship where that was even vaguely explored. A lot of women (and men), for a whole multitude of reasons, have issues around food, and I've never wanted to exacerbate those. But, again, I have been in a relationship where this has played a role and I still haven't felt a real connection sexually with the person. There have also been times where my fantasies have been more or less played out and I've not actually got all that much pleasure from it, essentially concluding at the end that these things are exactly that: fantasies. Things in real life are never going to be as good as you imagine them. For quite a long time I just told myself these fantasies should remain fantasies and I should just focus on the other stuff that turns me on. I'm not so sure now though?Finally, I just have this overall sense that I'm pretty shy, awkward, and maybe attach a degree of shame/guilt to sex (I think this is quite pervasive in society anyway, so it'd make sense). As a result, I've often done best sex-wise when the person I am with is more confident and takes a bit more of a lead. It allows me to kind of come out of my shell a bit and feel a bit more...passionate? I guess I'm just painfully aware that in other circumstances where the person I have been with is equally unconfident the whole thing just feels quite...stale? It ends up being very vanilla sex without much variation. I know it's probably an unrealistic ideal to want, but I really do want to at least once be in a relationship where, at some point, we're really gagging to get each other naked. I've just never really had that passion. Maybe I've watched too many movies though and have unrealistic expectations for sex and passion.I'm not entirely sure what the point of this post was. It's helped me get some of my ideas out of my head anyway. It would be nice though if anyone has any similar experiences, advice to give, or could guide me towards some resources that might help me with this whole reflective process. I feel like, although popular culture, advertising, etc. is saturated with sex and sexual imagery, we actually don't talk about this stuff much. People end up just thinking sex is easy, everyone instantly has chemistry, and there aren't any issues. Ah, if only it were that simple!