Self-sabotaging myself

Hello. I wish I could go into large detail but things are rather personalized. In general...I (20F) have pretty severe depression, I take medication and am in counseling. Last spring I met a very nice, handsome and funny man (22) online (long distance) who I like very much. But we are fighting a lot lately and I keep pushing at him to leave me and find another girl.

I don't only hurt him, but friends who try to help. Their words never help though. I purposely try to push them away and make them hate me. I blame every single issue on myself and when things get bad, say I deserve to die and that I never deserve to have friends or partners ever again.

Many of the fights are because I am very introverted and withdrawn and do not have the energy to socialize and talk often. He is hurt by this and feels unwanted. I have explained my depression but he does not understand. I hate that I am introverted so much. Lately I have questioned if we should break up and got into a fight with him about that as well.

He expressed that I always make everything in the relationship about me, that we can only call or play games when I feel like it. That I don't care enough about him to talk about his day or anything he would like to do. It is true it is very difficult for me to muster energy for anything when I do not feel well, which has been frequent. But I have tried to do things for him. I ask him nearly every day if anything interesting has happened, is this not enough engagement? Do I need to push and shove for the interaction? I broke down at this fight and attempted to make him hate me. I said that he should just go find someone else because I am the problem and things can't ever change unless I am dead because depression is not cureable.

I want to stay with him, but I don't want to keep breaking down and genuinely wanting to die because I don't feel good enough for anybody. Maybe this is all because its online and never in person. I do think he will be happier without me.

Does anyone have advice on controlling the dark thoughts that just push for me to ruin my personal relationships? I become so mean and awful to everyone. It is hard to tell which thoughts are really mine and which are self-loathing. I am very well aware and conscious of it but I let it happen anyways.

TL;DR

I am pushing friends and partners away and attempting to make them hate me even though I want things to work out.



Submitted September 03, 2019 at 12:18AM

Hello. I wish I could go into large detail but things are rather personalized. In general...I (20F) have pretty severe depression, I take medication and am in counseling. Last spring I met a very nice, handsome and funny man (22) online (long distance) who I like very much. But we are fighting a lot lately and I keep pushing at him to leave me and find another girl.I don't only hurt him, but friends who try to help. Their words never help though. I purposely try to push them away and make them hate me. I blame every single issue on myself and when things get bad, say I deserve to die and that I never deserve to have friends or partners ever again.Many of the fights are because I am very introverted and withdrawn and do not have the energy to socialize and talk often. He is hurt by this and feels unwanted. I have explained my depression but he does not understand. I hate that I am introverted so much. Lately I have questioned if we should break up and got into a fight with him about that as well.He expressed that I always make everything in the relationship about me, that we can only call or play games when I feel like it. That I don't care enough about him to talk about his day or anything he would like to do. It is true it is very difficult for me to muster energy for anything when I do not feel well, which has been frequent. But I have tried to do things for him. I ask him nearly every day if anything interesting has happened, is this not enough engagement? Do I need to push and shove for the interaction? I broke down at this fight and attempted to make him hate me. I said that he should just go find someone else because I am the problem and things can't ever change unless I am dead because depression is not cureable.I want to stay with him, but I don't want to keep breaking down and genuinely wanting to die because I don't feel good enough for anybody. Maybe this is all because its online and never in person. I do think he will be happier without me.Does anyone have advice on controlling the dark thoughts that just push for me to ruin my personal relationships? I become so mean and awful to everyone. It is hard to tell which thoughts are really mine and which are self-loathing. I am very well aware and conscious of it but I let it happen anyways.TL;DRI am pushing friends and partners away and attempting to make them hate me even though I want things to work out.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Add Comments, Posts, Links... etc.

Popular posts from this blog

The difference between being right and being understood

My boyfriend and I are 28. We’ve been together for about 1.5 years and recently moved in together. He’s a pretty patient and easygoing person (Type B) whereas I’m more particular (Type A). Of course there are two sides to every trait, and my Type A nature benefits us in some ways too. Like all couples, we have differences in perspective or preference. When this happens, he will usually say something like “I disagree (with your perspective) but fine.” I tend to push the issue in an attempt to get him to understand where I’m coming from. This escalates the disagreement into a fight because he perceives it as me trying to be “right”. I truly just want to be understood (and I want to understand where he’s coming from) so I’m looking for more of a dialogue whereas he avoids conflict and just wants it to be over as quickly as possible. His general approach is “agree to disagree” but that doesn’t make sense to me when it’s an issue that will keep coming up and requires compromise. I’m n
Read more

My (27f) gf (27f) is getting tired of me not sharing intimate/ personal info about me

I’ve always been extremely private and introverted. We have more than a year together and we’ve been living together for like 6 months, we get along pretty good and I’m really in love with her, however I can not seem to open up... and I can tell it’s frustrating to her by the way she tells me it bothers her that she feels she’s the only one committed and the one that’s always sharing... At this point I don’t even know if it is that I’ve gotten too used to it, to the point I’ve became lazy to talk about myself or give any genuine personal opinion... it sucks, really, I need to communicate better... Where do I start? Tl;dr: I can’t be completely intimate with my gf and its frustrating her, I need to communicate better because I really love her... where to start? Submitted April 25, 2019 at 06:02AM I’ve always been extremely private and introverted. We have more than a year together and we’ve been living together for like 6 months, we get along pretty good and I’m really in love
Read more

My (23M) girlfriend (25F) relationship is confusing to me. I might be the problem, or maybe we are just incompatible.

I met my girlfriend after a few serious breakups that led me to change both intentionally and unintentionally over a few years. For better and for worse. She had just gotten out of an engagement with a verbally and physically abusive man who had a cocaine problem. We have been together about 8 months now. We hit it off and spent a lot of time together but she began to push our relationship as if there were a time clock for milestones. I was pressed beyond my comfort zone and went with it because of my affection for her. My living situation fell apart and I lost a few thousand dollars to shit roommates right around the time she and I met and she offered to let me stay with her. I agreed with some resistance. I pay for food, help her with bills, and throw money toward rent while trying to get back on my feet. As long as we have been together she has gotten more possessive, angry, and irrational. She is dealing with shit from her engagement and I feel shes looking for a level of seriou
Read more