Self-sabotaging myself

Hello. I wish I could go into large detail but things are rather personalized. In general...I (20F) have pretty severe depression, I take medication and am in counseling. Last spring I met a very nice, handsome and funny man (22) online (long distance) who I like very much. But we are fighting a lot lately and I keep pushing at him to leave me and find another girl.

I don't only hurt him, but friends who try to help. Their words never help though. I purposely try to push them away and make them hate me. I blame every single issue on myself and when things get bad, say I deserve to die and that I never deserve to have friends or partners ever again.

Many of the fights are because I am very introverted and withdrawn and do not have the energy to socialize and talk often. He is hurt by this and feels unwanted. I have explained my depression but he does not understand. I hate that I am introverted so much. Lately I have questioned if we should break up and got into a fight with him about that as well.

He expressed that I always make everything in the relationship about me, that we can only call or play games when I feel like it. That I don't care enough about him to talk about his day or anything he would like to do. It is true it is very difficult for me to muster energy for anything when I do not feel well, which has been frequent. But I have tried to do things for him. I ask him nearly every day if anything interesting has happened, is this not enough engagement? Do I need to push and shove for the interaction? I broke down at this fight and attempted to make him hate me. I said that he should just go find someone else because I am the problem and things can't ever change unless I am dead because depression is not cureable.

I want to stay with him, but I don't want to keep breaking down and genuinely wanting to die because I don't feel good enough for anybody. Maybe this is all because its online and never in person. I do think he will be happier without me.

Does anyone have advice on controlling the dark thoughts that just push for me to ruin my personal relationships? I become so mean and awful to everyone. It is hard to tell which thoughts are really mine and which are self-loathing. I am very well aware and conscious of it but I let it happen anyways.

TL;DR

I am pushing friends and partners away and attempting to make them hate me even though I want things to work out.



Submitted September 03, 2019 at 12:18AM

Hello. I wish I could go into large detail but things are rather personalized. In general...I (20F) have pretty severe depression, I take medication and am in counseling. Last spring I met a very nice, handsome and funny man (22) online (long distance) who I like very much. But we are fighting a lot lately and I keep pushing at him to leave me and find another girl.I don't only hurt him, but friends who try to help. Their words never help though. I purposely try to push them away and make them hate me. I blame every single issue on myself and when things get bad, say I deserve to die and that I never deserve to have friends or partners ever again.Many of the fights are because I am very introverted and withdrawn and do not have the energy to socialize and talk often. He is hurt by this and feels unwanted. I have explained my depression but he does not understand. I hate that I am introverted so much. Lately I have questioned if we should break up and got into a fight with him about that as well.He expressed that I always make everything in the relationship about me, that we can only call or play games when I feel like it. That I don't care enough about him to talk about his day or anything he would like to do. It is true it is very difficult for me to muster energy for anything when I do not feel well, which has been frequent. But I have tried to do things for him. I ask him nearly every day if anything interesting has happened, is this not enough engagement? Do I need to push and shove for the interaction? I broke down at this fight and attempted to make him hate me. I said that he should just go find someone else because I am the problem and things can't ever change unless I am dead because depression is not cureable.I want to stay with him, but I don't want to keep breaking down and genuinely wanting to die because I don't feel good enough for anybody. Maybe this is all because its online and never in person. I do think he will be happier without me.Does anyone have advice on controlling the dark thoughts that just push for me to ruin my personal relationships? I become so mean and awful to everyone. It is hard to tell which thoughts are really mine and which are self-loathing. I am very well aware and conscious of it but I let it happen anyways.TL;DRI am pushing friends and partners away and attempting to make them hate me even though I want things to work out.
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