My best friends [F22] mental health is beginning to impact mine [F20]

I've known my best friend for five years. At the beginning of this year, they confessed they had feelings for me. I identify as straight and have never had any experience with a same-sex relationship so it took me back a little. I let them down as gently as I could and after a few months they said that their feelings had passed and our friendship return to normal.

They have had a really tough year with their mental health. We have always had a light hearted, happy-go-lucky friendship but a few months back she told me she had been struggling and thought she might have depression. I supported her as much as I could and suggested that she speak to a counsellor to get some extra support.

When we would talk about their mental health, it was always a really heavy conversation. I was the only person she felt comfortable confiding in so I felt like a lot of what they were holding in was unleashed when we spoke. At first it was okay and I understood that they had a lot that they needed to get off of their chest but after a while our conversations solely revolved around how they were feeling and begun to feel more emotionally manipulative?

When they went to see their counselor for the first time, she asked if I would come as her support person and has they had no-one else to turn to , I happily obliged. Through the counselling session they said how me rejecting them has been the cause of their mental health decline this year. This really took me aback and was no longer comfortable being in the room. I had no idea that this was how they felt – I am not sure what I was expecting but it certainly wasn’t that and didn’t think that they would discuss me seeing as I was there. I felt really hurt and as if I was the cause of their problems.

Since that session there have been a couple of incidences that I am beginning to think are red flags. We have been to a few parties (I’m really social and these parties had a lot of my old school friends there so I wanted to catch up with them) but im finding that if I don’t stay by her side for the whole night, they either pull me aside and tell me how that’s making them feel, or they give me the cold shoulder and disappear halfway through the night. They also get really jealous if I spend time with friends that they don’t know/don’t spend time with and passively give me the cold shoulder if I make plans at the weekend that don’t involve them. I am not a private person but don’t make a point of discussing my dating life and recently she confronted me as I had re-joined the online dating scene – they were quite invasive and said that I should have told them I was going to re-join. This, coupled with the heavy conversations about their mental health, has made me start to resent them.

I'd appreciate some advice on how to have an honest conversation with them (despite the potential consequences for our friendship) without it ruining our friendship and let them know how their actions are affecting me and if they continue to do what they’re doing, then I would rather go travelling by myself next year. I know it’s such a difficult topic as I really don’t want to hurt them, but at the same time I want to look after myself.

TL/DR: my best friend has had a rough issue with her mental health this year but I'm beginning to feel like she's using this to emotionally manipulate me and this is affecting me mentally. Would I be wrong to have an honest conversation with her about how this makes me feel? I feel like I am the cause of her mental health and that having this conversation will make things worse and she will distance herself from me. We also have plans booked to travel abroad next year and I really want to go but not if our relationship is like it is now. I don't know how to approach the topic or how to talk to her without hurting her.

Submitted October 01, 2019 at 12:25AM

I've known my best friend for five years. At the beginning of this year, they confessed they had feelings for me. I identify as straight and have never had any experience with a same-sex relationship so it took me back a little. I let them down as gently as I could and after a few months they said that their feelings had passed and our friendship return to normal.They have had a really tough year with their mental health. We have always had a light hearted, happy-go-lucky friendship but a few months back she told me she had been struggling and thought she might have depression. I supported her as much as I could and suggested that she speak to a counsellor to get some extra support.When we would talk about their mental health, it was always a really heavy conversation. I was the only person she felt comfortable confiding in so I felt like a lot of what they were holding in was unleashed when we spoke. At first it was okay and I understood that they had a lot that they needed to get off of their chest but after a while our conversations solely revolved around how they were feeling and begun to feel more emotionally manipulative?When they went to see their counselor for the first time, she asked if I would come as her support person and has they had no-one else to turn to , I happily obliged. Through the counselling session they said how me rejecting them has been the cause of their mental health decline this year. This really took me aback and was no longer comfortable being in the room. I had no idea that this was how they felt – I am not sure what I was expecting but it certainly wasn’t that and didn’t think that they would discuss me seeing as I was there. I felt really hurt and as if I was the cause of their problems.Since that session there have been a couple of incidences that I am beginning to think are red flags. We have been to a few parties (I’m really social and these parties had a lot of my old school friends there so I wanted to catch up with them) but im finding that if I don’t stay by her side for the whole night, they either pull me aside and tell me how that’s making them feel, or they give me the cold shoulder and disappear halfway through the night. They also get really jealous if I spend time with friends that they don’t know/don’t spend time with and passively give me the cold shoulder if I make plans at the weekend that don’t involve them. I am not a private person but don’t make a point of discussing my dating life and recently she confronted me as I had re-joined the online dating scene – they were quite invasive and said that I should have told them I was going to re-join. This, coupled with the heavy conversations about their mental health, has made me start to resent them.I'd appreciate some advice on how to have an honest conversation with them (despite the potential consequences for our friendship) without it ruining our friendship and let them know how their actions are affecting me and if they continue to do what they’re doing, then I would rather go travelling by myself next year. I know it’s such a difficult topic as I really don’t want to hurt them, but at the same time I want to look after myself.TL/DR: my best friend has had a rough issue with her mental health this year but I'm beginning to feel like she's using this to emotionally manipulate me and this is affecting me mentally. Would I be wrong to have an honest conversation with her about how this makes me feel? I feel like I am the cause of her mental health and that having this conversation will make things worse and she will distance herself from me. We also have plans booked to travel abroad next year and I really want to go but not if our relationship is like it is now. I don't know how to approach the topic or how to talk to her without hurting her.