My (30 M) wife (31 F) told me that she might not love me anymore and she made me go through a lot of traumatic events but I can't break up

Anonymous account for obvious reasons.

Please bear with me if my grammar is not 100%, I'm way too emotional.

Let's start from beginning: My wife (let's call her L) and I have been together for around 4 years now. We used to have a crush on each other on highschool, but we only got together after our mid twenties. We started dating a couple of weeks after she left a 6 year abusive relationship, in which the guy basically destroyed her social life (she literally didn't have any friends cause he wouldn't let her leave the house) and her self-esteem. The first time we re-encountered felt like love at first sight... We were close friends back on high school but we lost touch after she started the abusive relationship. When we hooked up for the first time, I had a plan to move out of the country, and after a couple of months, she decided that she wanted to come with me. 

The first months of our relationship were a mixture of heaven and hell. Our sex life was amazing, we would go out a lot, I helped her rebuild her social life and we simply had an otherworldly connection. However, at the same time, she was deep in depression because of her ex. She often talked about killing herself, that she felt so empty after everything that happened in the past years and that everything felt meaningless. This was something that her ex did a lot - the abusive relationship wasn't physical. It was psychological. I figured that she got that from him (mostly because before she dated her ex, she wasn't like that at all) and asked her to go to a psychologist. I was always by her side, no matter how bad it was.

 Almost a year later, she managed to fight off depression. Everything felt better afterwards. All the good stuff was still there, and I felt like she could be the one. That's when I made a huge decision: move out of our country with her. We decided to plan everything together and we thought that marriage was the way to go. Now, this is when it starts to get really ugly. 

A couple of weeks after we arrived on this new country, we met a guy. She fell in love with him but she wouldn't admit it at first. However, I know her pretty well. I know how she acts when she falls in love. She acted exactly that way when she met me. After a lot of fights, she admitted that she had a crush on him. She also told me that she felt like she was poly (which I thought it was bullshit cause we never talked about having an open relationship before). She asked me if it was okay to go to the movies with him so she could figure out what to do. I told her that I was extremely uncomfortable with it but that I wouldn't say no if that's what she wanted. She went out with him. I was devastated. Less than 1 month in and it felt like the woman that I fell in love with was a totally different person. I couldn't think of anything else but drink. I went out to a bar and started drinking. Once she got back home, she asked me where I was, and I told her that I was drinking cause I couldn't stay home waiting for her or my anxiety would probably kill me. She got super afraid of me for some reason and called her friend... That sent a message to the guy that my wife went out with, telling him that she was afraid that I could hurt L.

This was so disrespectful to me that when I got home and she told me what happened... I started crying. I sobbed for over an hour and all I could say was that she didn't know me at all if she ever thought I could hurt her. This was VERY traumatic to me and, to this day, almost a year later, I still have nightmares about my wife going out with a guy that she fell in love and then telling her friend that she thought that I'd hit her.

I'm not sure how but... We got through this. Maybe it was because I felt like I couldn't go back to my original country and I couldn't stay here if it wasn't for her. Maybe it was because after seeing how fucked up I got when she told me that her friend sent a message to this guy telling him that I could get violent and he didn't give a shit, she realized how wrong she was. I'm really not sure what happened, but I know that on this night, something broke inside of me.

Fast forward 7 months after this traumatic event, I got out of college for summer break and I started looking for a job. Since I had no experience and I was a foreigner, it took me a while to get a job. While I was on my job hunt, I got pretty depressed about not being able to get a job, and that's when everything went to hell. We stopped having sex. Going out wasn't enjoyable to me anymore. We fought constantly. After a while, she told me that she didn't feel truly free with me. Sure, she could stay out until 3 am drinking with her friends, but she told me that she knew that I would feel bad. She told me that it felt like a burden. Me. A burden. Even if I never said no to her going out with friends, it was still a burden cause she felt like she was hurting me. And right after saying that, she told me that she wasn't sure if she loved me anymore.

Then... If that wasn't enough... I think that she fell in love for somebody else. Again. We agreed that it'd be the best thing for both of us that I stayed at an Airbnb for a couple days so we could try and reset. I came back before the second day cause I had to get something for a new job that I got. She was out, working, and I went on the computer to print something... And the first thing I saw was a picture of 2013 of her co-worker that she loves to hang out with. That must have been like his 100th picture on FB cause it was waaaaaay down. And I know that this is her M.O. when she's in love with somebody.

Now, I know the answer might seem simple about what to do but... If we break up, we won't be able to get Permanent Residency, which means, going back to my shitty country. I still have 8 more months to go before I finish college, but idk if I can take this anymore. I'm really depressed with all of this and I honestly think that I'm done with commitment after this is over. We also adopted 2 cats and we have 1 more year of lease. There's more story to be told but this is already getting way too long, so I'll stop now. I really wanted to fix all of this but I don't think it's possible. I need to find a way out. I'm often thinking about suicide. This feels like 100x more than I can take. Please, help me.

TL;DR : My wife fell in love twice after we moved in to another country, she made me go through a traumatic event and I'm not sure how to get out of it cause we still need each other to get Permanent Residency.

Submitted August 14, 2019 at 12:08AM

Anonymous account for obvious reasons.Please bear with me if my grammar is not 100%, I'm way too emotional.Let's start from beginning: My wife (let's call her L) and I have been together for around 4 years now. We used to have a crush on each other on highschool, but we only got together after our mid twenties. We started dating a couple of weeks after she left a 6 year abusive relationship, in which the guy basically destroyed her social life (she literally didn't have any friends cause he wouldn't let her leave the house) and her self-esteem. The first time we re-encountered felt like love at first sight... We were close friends back on high school but we lost touch after she started the abusive relationship. When we hooked up for the first time, I had a plan to move out of the country, and after a couple of months, she decided that she wanted to come with me. The first months of our relationship were a mixture of heaven and hell. Our sex life was amazing, we would go out a lot, I helped her rebuild her social life and we simply had an otherworldly connection. However, at the same time, she was deep in depression because of her ex. She often talked about killing herself, that she felt so empty after everything that happened in the past years and that everything felt meaningless. This was something that her ex did a lot - the abusive relationship wasn't physical. It was psychological. I figured that she got that from him (mostly because before she dated her ex, she wasn't like that at all) and asked her to go to a psychologist. I was always by her side, no matter how bad it was. Almost a year later, she managed to fight off depression. Everything felt better afterwards. All the good stuff was still there, and I felt like she could be the one. That's when I made a huge decision: move out of our country with her. We decided to plan everything together and we thought that marriage was the way to go. Now, this is when it starts to get really ugly. A couple of weeks after we arrived on this new country, we met a guy. She fell in love with him but she wouldn't admit it at first. However, I know her pretty well. I know how she acts when she falls in love. She acted exactly that way when she met me. After a lot of fights, she admitted that she had a crush on him. She also told me that she felt like she was poly (which I thought it was bullshit cause we never talked about having an open relationship before). She asked me if it was okay to go to the movies with him so she could figure out what to do. I told her that I was extremely uncomfortable with it but that I wouldn't say no if that's what she wanted. She went out with him. I was devastated. Less than 1 month in and it felt like the woman that I fell in love with was a totally different person. I couldn't think of anything else but drink. I went out to a bar and started drinking. Once she got back home, she asked me where I was, and I told her that I was drinking cause I couldn't stay home waiting for her or my anxiety would probably kill me. She got super afraid of me for some reason and called her friend... That sent a message to the guy that my wife went out with, telling him that she was afraid that I could hurt L.This was so disrespectful to me that when I got home and she told me what happened... I started crying. I sobbed for over an hour and all I could say was that she didn't know me at all if she ever thought I could hurt her. This was VERY traumatic to me and, to this day, almost a year later, I still have nightmares about my wife going out with a guy that she fell in love and then telling her friend that she thought that I'd hit her.I'm not sure how but... We got through this. Maybe it was because I felt like I couldn't go back to my original country and I couldn't stay here if it wasn't for her. Maybe it was because after seeing how fucked up I got when she told me that her friend sent a message to this guy telling him that I could get violent and he didn't give a shit, she realized how wrong she was. I'm really not sure what happened, but I know that on this night, something broke inside of me.Fast forward 7 months after this traumatic event, I got out of college for summer break and I started looking for a job. Since I had no experience and I was a foreigner, it took me a while to get a job. While I was on my job hunt, I got pretty depressed about not being able to get a job, and that's when everything went to hell. We stopped having sex. Going out wasn't enjoyable to me anymore. We fought constantly. After a while, she told me that she didn't feel truly free with me. Sure, she could stay out until 3 am drinking with her friends, but she told me that she knew that I would feel bad. She told me that it felt like a burden. Me. A burden. Even if I never said no to her going out with friends, it was still a burden cause she felt like she was hurting me. And right after saying that, she told me that she wasn't sure if she loved me anymore.Then... If that wasn't enough... I think that she fell in love for somebody else. Again. We agreed that it'd be the best thing for both of us that I stayed at an Airbnb for a couple days so we could try and reset. I came back before the second day cause I had to get something for a new job that I got. She was out, working, and I went on the computer to print something... And the first thing I saw was a picture of 2013 of her co-worker that she loves to hang out with. That must have been like his 100th picture on FB cause it was waaaaaay down. And I know that this is her M.O. when she's in love with somebody.Now, I know the answer might seem simple about what to do but... If we break up, we won't be able to get Permanent Residency, which means, going back to my shitty country. I still have 8 more months to go before I finish college, but idk if I can take this anymore. I'm really depressed with all of this and I honestly think that I'm done with commitment after this is over. We also adopted 2 cats and we have 1 more year of lease. There's more story to be told but this is already getting way too long, so I'll stop now. I really wanted to fix all of this but I don't think it's possible. I need to find a way out. I'm often thinking about suicide. This feels like 100x more than I can take. Please, help me.TL;DR : My wife fell in love twice after we moved in to another country, she made me go through a traumatic event and I'm not sure how to get out of it cause we still need each other to get Permanent Residency.