I left her. And then she coerced me into a break.

Yeah. I (23F) did it. It took me the whole 60 minute counseling session to finally spit it out. I told her (24F) that I didn't feel as though I could be the person she needed in her life right now. That I can't do it anymore.

At first she was angry. Of course it was the end of the session (I wish I had done it sooner, but I just couldn't get it out), so we had to leave. We were outside and I started crying. I said that I was sorry but that I just can't do it. She offered for me to come and sit in her car, so I did. And I continued to cry. At first she was telling me things like 'she's not forcing me to stay' and 'if I don't want to be with her then I should let her go'. I just kept crying. I kept repeating that I love her but I just can't do it. And then she started playing with my hair, putting her hand on my leg, telling me to 'think about all of the good we have', that she loves me so much and that what we have is so special and we'll never have anything like it again. To consider everything.

Eventually I calmed down. We didn't talk much at all. And then both of us had to pee, so we walked across the street and used the restroom in a grocery store. We didn't talk much on the way over there.

When we got back, I sat on the sidewalk and she was sitting on her car. She asked me if I wanted her to leave and I shrugged and said I didn't know. I was very...distant at that moment. I just sat there. To give you all an idea of time, the counseling appointment ended at 12 and we didn't split ways until like 3pm. So, some how, we sat there for a total of about three hours. Almost completely silent the whole time.

Eventually, I stood up and said again, 'I can't do it. I love you, but I'm sorry, I can't do it anymore.' Again, initially this look of rage just consumed her, and then all of a sudden she was hugging me, and telling me that she loves me and that maybe we can take a break instead and see how we feel.... saying she could tell I 'was confused' and wasn't completely sure what I wanted because we love each other and there's so much good, regardless of 'the bad'. And I said okay. So we made boundaries, we're talking once a week on Saturdays at 11 and that's our only contact.

The only thing is though- regardless of therapy every week, the progress she'll make over a three month period for HERSELF won't benefit our relationship in the necessary amounts to make 'everything better'. Three months of therapy won't undo years of abuse and trauma and trust issues and abandonment. Three months of therapy won't make her less angry or explosive towards me, it won't make her less volatile under stressful situations, and it won't 'cure' her inability to communicate with me. It also won't take back all of the things shes done to me..

That was three days ago. I feel so sick. I love her so much. I feel disappointed in myself- like, I gave in to her again. I love her so much but loving her hurts me. I know that I need to choose myself and eventually I'll be happy again and I'll grow from everything...but right now it all hurts so badly. I'm so depressed. And it makes me even more sad because she's completely unaware of everything she's done. I know she has an idea, but she can't completely grasp the way she's manipulated and fucked with me. And I keep trying to tell myself that her mental illness doesn't justify treating anybody like shit- especially some one you love.

I miss her like crazy. And I'm afraid of ending the break with a renewed hope, so I've written everything that she's done down on a piece of paper so I can remember my hurt. I know that it isn't going to magically 'get better' after it's over. And I don't have the strength to go through the ringer like that again. I don't want to cry at work, or at the gym, or in the car...I don't want to fight my depression, struggle with my IBS, or deal with my panic attacks anymore...

tl;dr I know we can't be together. But I miss her like crazy. She's my best friend. I moved up here to be with her and know nobody else, I feel so fucking alone. She coerced me into 'taking a break' instead of breaking up- even though I know I can't do it anymore. I'm so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.

Submitted August 13, 2019 at 11:50PM

Yeah. I (23F) did it. It took me the whole 60 minute counseling session to finally spit it out. I told her (24F) that I didn't feel as though I could be the person she needed in her life right now. That I can't do it anymore.At first she was angry. Of course it was the end of the session (I wish I had done it sooner, but I just couldn't get it out), so we had to leave. We were outside and I started crying. I said that I was sorry but that I just can't do it. She offered for me to come and sit in her car, so I did. And I continued to cry. At first she was telling me things like 'she's not forcing me to stay' and 'if I don't want to be with her then I should let her go'. I just kept crying. I kept repeating that I love her but I just can't do it. And then she started playing with my hair, putting her hand on my leg, telling me to 'think about all of the good we have', that she loves me so much and that what we have is so special and we'll never have anything like it again. To consider everything.Eventually I calmed down. We didn't talk much at all. And then both of us had to pee, so we walked across the street and used the restroom in a grocery store. We didn't talk much on the way over there.When we got back, I sat on the sidewalk and she was sitting on her car. She asked me if I wanted her to leave and I shrugged and said I didn't know. I was very...distant at that moment. I just sat there. To give you all an idea of time, the counseling appointment ended at 12 and we didn't split ways until like 3pm. So, some how, we sat there for a total of about three hours. Almost completely silent the whole time.Eventually, I stood up and said again, 'I can't do it. I love you, but I'm sorry, I can't do it anymore.' Again, initially this look of rage just consumed her, and then all of a sudden she was hugging me, and telling me that she loves me and that maybe we can take a break instead and see how we feel.... saying she could tell I 'was confused' and wasn't completely sure what I wanted because we love each other and there's so much good, regardless of 'the bad'. And I said okay. So we made boundaries, we're talking once a week on Saturdays at 11 and that's our only contact.The only thing is though- regardless of therapy every week, the progress she'll make over a three month period for HERSELF won't benefit our relationship in the necessary amounts to make 'everything better'. Three months of therapy won't undo years of abuse and trauma and trust issues and abandonment. Three months of therapy won't make her less angry or explosive towards me, it won't make her less volatile under stressful situations, and it won't 'cure' her inability to communicate with me. It also won't take back all of the things shes done to me..That was three days ago. I feel so sick. I love her so much. I feel disappointed in myself- like, I gave in to her again. I love her so much but loving her hurts me. I know that I need to choose myself and eventually I'll be happy again and I'll grow from everything...but right now it all hurts so badly. I'm so depressed. And it makes me even more sad because she's completely unaware of everything she's done. I know she has an idea, but she can't completely grasp the way she's manipulated and fucked with me. And I keep trying to tell myself that her mental illness doesn't justify treating anybody like shit- especially some one you love.I miss her like crazy. And I'm afraid of ending the break with a renewed hope, so I've written everything that she's done down on a piece of paper so I can remember my hurt. I know that it isn't going to magically 'get better' after it's over. And I don't have the strength to go through the ringer like that again. I don't want to cry at work, or at the gym, or in the car...I don't want to fight my depression, struggle with my IBS, or deal with my panic attacks anymore...tl;dr I know we can't be together. But I miss her like crazy. She's my best friend. I moved up here to be with her and know nobody else, I feel so fucking alone. She coerced me into 'taking a break' instead of breaking up- even though I know I can't do it anymore. I'm so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.