I think I already messed my chances up, but I'm not sure

So I (17M) am a timid, socially awkward mess, who either doesn't know how to start up a conversation or doesn't know when to stfu when in a conversation I do know about. I wouldn't say I'm attractive, but Definitely not ugly either (I could be worse, but definitely could've been better) but earlier this year, I met a girl one of my classes that I never really paid much attention to.

There wasn't anything interesting about her that caught my interest so just like everyone else since I had no friends in that class, I ignored her and just did my work as quickly and effectively as possible so that I had to do nothing for the rest of the class. Later on though, she randomly decided to talk to me out of the blue asking me about my interests. Me, being one not liking to share information out of embarrassment just told her a half-truth in that I didn't really have one and that I'm mostly open to anything. Shockingly, I learned that we both shared having a certain taste or interest when it came to certain things and shared a fair bit in common. I think that's when it started that I had actual butterflies in my stomach for once and not just some infuated crush just to get between her legs for teenage horny sex (I mean, I won't lie, I wanted that too, but it wasn't the ONLY thing this time, I thought it would be more than that).

Just to let you know, when I start having feelings for someone, my whole personality changes, all my embarrassing traits start to Flare up. I get even more shy, I start stuttering a lot when we have conversations that don't involve just helping others out with the answers, and I'm genuinely a lot more clumsy than usual. I am a little scared to admit I made it extremely obvious I was into her, one day after the school day was over, I decided to hang out with her for a couple minutes to chill out and talk for a bit before I had to leave to catch the bus, and I decided that I was tired of just letting things go without even taking a chance, so I decided to get Bold and just asked for a hug, something tame and usually seen as a friendly gesture, at least what I thought in mind to justify that I was totally not trying to unintentionally hit on her. She declined and I respectfully backed off, said goodbye to her, and then scurried away quickly in an embarrassed fashion. Man, I'm a fucking loser. Now looking back at this, I realized now that she was really just being nice to me, but being the socially awkward loner I am who completely cut off their social skills since like, 4th grade, I didn't know if she was and just assumed the best outcome. But hey Hindsight is 20/20 right?

I believe 2 days later, I learned she had a boyfriend already, and not gonna lie, I got a bit upset and bitter about it, (dumb ass reason, but I'm human, I'm not perfect) so like some little kid, I started ignoring her out of pettiness and always talked like I wanted nothing to do with her, which only lasted like, 3 days at most before I just let it go & moved on with my life. Fast forward about a month or 2 later and we're back to talking again like nothing ever happened, I finally got over her and just wanted to be good friends and such. Well, we were talking about something, and since I was curious (and the topic was close enough), I asked how their relationship was going and she told me that it was a bit rough. (Note, her bf is a reaI good person, just kind of a shitty partner). I gave my empathy and told her that I hoped everything would go alright for her. That's when I thought that I truly finally over here and that we could truly be just friends, BOY did that not last long at all, cause say 2-4 days later, she gives me the bad news that they unfortunately broke up.

Now, I thought it sucked but remembered that's just how dating is, so I just left that behind and we had a little conversation, and then she drops the hammer on me saying she wasn't a virgin. Idk why or how, but the moment I heard that, those butterflies kicked in real fucking fast, and the Blood too (Turns out I like women who have experience in bed, go figure considering I have a high libido). I internally berated myself for how easily I was able to fall for this again. But I hate the idea of going after someone immediately after they broke up, as they need time to heal, so in my inner thoughts I told myself that I wouldn't try to hit on her, and just stay friends for now, it would be nice having more female friends than just like, 2 or 3? And Coincidentally we were talking about sex and titties, and other sexual things two horny late teens talk about, and like the dumbass I am, I immediately try to hit on her unintentionally. (Y'know, if my mind could transform into a physical manifestation, I'm pretty sure it would beat the shit out of me for my incompetence). I didn't say outright I was into her, but I was dropping pretty obvious hints that only someone as oblivious as me wouldn't notice. And now I'm realizing I just essentially fucked up my first impression, and that I'm sure she knows I'm back into her again.

I even asked her out to an event (That I added, as friends so that she doesn't get the wrong idea). But now I'm conflicted, because on one side I want to pursue a relationship with her, but not now because I still think it's scummy to do that to someone who just got out of a break-up not even a week ago and just become better friends, but on my other, I don't want to not take a shot and let someone else do it, since I know you only miss the shots you don't take.

But, lastly, I'm confused about how she feels about me, I noticed she's given a bunch of mixed signals lately. I remember from reading on this sub that people constantly say, "If someone is interested in you, they will make time for you" or something along those lines, and I thought that that must've been the case since I asked on a weekend, and never responded back so I assumed she wasn't interested, okay I can at least still be friends, so after apologizing, canceling, and moving on, she texts me shortly after saying that she would like to, but didn't have the time and actually did make time for me, and we both agreed on what date we would meet up to hang out. Granted, she texted me like a whole day later, but it was paragraphed and she explained why she was busy. Though I feel like a clown responding to her in like literally 3 seconds after she responds back a whole day later. Like she gives me 10%, I'm giving back 50%.

All I'm hoping for is that, I don't fuck up and just genuinely have a good time with her later this week. But I really think I squandered any chance of us being a thing because I let my dick do the thinking and took advantage of her comfort zone, which I already regret. And I still don't know what I want to do. Like I want to have a great friendship with her, I also want to have a relationship with her, and an even greater sex life with her and just be an overall great boyfriend (I'm sure I wouldn't be the best, far from it, but I'll try damn hard to make it work by communicating and see how we can solve it). But I'm rushing way too fast than what I would like, and it's one of the worst things I hate about how horny I am. I mean I've always been sexually attracted to girls, but never romantically unless I knew them and realized we clicked pretty well. And as a person, she puts a lot of effort into the relationship, she does so many little things that she doesn't have to do just out of the kindness of her heart and it's honestly the cutest thing, that it would brighten any person's day. And I want to do the same for her, she has one of the most beautiful smiles I've ever seen. And she's based.

God this is actually embarrassing to read now that I'm proofreading... I apologize in advance for this cringe.

Submitted December 23, 2021 at 12:10AM

So I (17M) am a timid, socially awkward mess, who either doesn't know how to start up a conversation or doesn't know when to stfu when in a conversation I do know about. I wouldn't say I'm attractive, but Definitely not ugly either (I could be worse, but definitely could've been better) but earlier this year, I met a girl one of my classes that I never really paid much attention to.There wasn't anything interesting about her that caught my interest so just like everyone else since I had no friends in that class, I ignored her and just did my work as quickly and effectively as possible so that I had to do nothing for the rest of the class. Later on though, she randomly decided to talk to me out of the blue asking me about my interests. Me, being one not liking to share information out of embarrassment just told her a half-truth in that I didn't really have one and that I'm mostly open to anything. Shockingly, I learned that we both shared having a certain taste or interest when it came to certain things and shared a fair bit in common. I think that's when it started that I had actual butterflies in my stomach for once and not just some infuated crush just to get between her legs for teenage horny sex (I mean, I won't lie, I wanted that too, but it wasn't the ONLY thing this time, I thought it would be more than that).Just to let you know, when I start having feelings for someone, my whole personality changes, all my embarrassing traits start to Flare up. I get even more shy, I start stuttering a lot when we have conversations that don't involve just helping others out with the answers, and I'm genuinely a lot more clumsy than usual. I am a little scared to admit I made it extremely obvious I was into her, one day after the school day was over, I decided to hang out with her for a couple minutes to chill out and talk for a bit before I had to leave to catch the bus, and I decided that I was tired of just letting things go without even taking a chance, so I decided to get Bold and just asked for a hug, something tame and usually seen as a friendly gesture, at least what I thought in mind to justify that I was totally not trying to unintentionally hit on her. She declined and I respectfully backed off, said goodbye to her, and then scurried away quickly in an embarrassed fashion. Man, I'm a fucking loser. Now looking back at this, I realized now that she was really just being nice to me, but being the socially awkward loner I am who completely cut off their social skills since like, 4th grade, I didn't know if she was and just assumed the best outcome. But hey Hindsight is 20/20 right?I believe 2 days later, I learned she had a boyfriend already, and not gonna lie, I got a bit upset and bitter about it, (dumb ass reason, but I'm human, I'm not perfect) so like some little kid, I started ignoring her out of pettiness and always talked like I wanted nothing to do with her, which only lasted like, 3 days at most before I just let it go & moved on with my life. Fast forward about a month or 2 later and we're back to talking again like nothing ever happened, I finally got over her and just wanted to be good friends and such. Well, we were talking about something, and since I was curious (and the topic was close enough), I asked how their relationship was going and she told me that it was a bit rough. (Note, her bf is a reaI good person, just kind of a shitty partner). I gave my empathy and told her that I hoped everything would go alright for her. That's when I thought that I truly finally over here and that we could truly be just friends, BOY did that not last long at all, cause say 2-4 days later, she gives me the bad news that they unfortunately broke up.Now, I thought it sucked but remembered that's just how dating is, so I just left that behind and we had a little conversation, and then she drops the hammer on me saying she wasn't a virgin. Idk why or how, but the moment I heard that, those butterflies kicked in real fucking fast, and the Blood too (Turns out I like women who have experience in bed, go figure considering I have a high libido). I internally berated myself for how easily I was able to fall for this again. But I hate the idea of going after someone immediately after they broke up, as they need time to heal, so in my inner thoughts I told myself that I wouldn't try to hit on her, and just stay friends for now, it would be nice having more female friends than just like, 2 or 3? And Coincidentally we were talking about sex and titties, and other sexual things two horny late teens talk about, and like the dumbass I am, I immediately try to hit on her unintentionally. (Y'know, if my mind could transform into a physical manifestation, I'm pretty sure it would beat the shit out of me for my incompetence). I didn't say outright I was into her, but I was dropping pretty obvious hints that only someone as oblivious as me wouldn't notice. And now I'm realizing I just essentially fucked up my first impression, and that I'm sure she knows I'm back into her again.I even asked her out to an event (That I added, as friends so that she doesn't get the wrong idea). But now I'm conflicted, because on one side I want to pursue a relationship with her, but not now because I still think it's scummy to do that to someone who just got out of a break-up not even a week ago and just become better friends, but on my other, I don't want to not take a shot and let someone else do it, since I know you only miss the shots you don't take.But, lastly, I'm confused about how she feels about me, I noticed she's given a bunch of mixed signals lately. I remember from reading on this sub that people constantly say, "If someone is interested in you, they will make time for you" or something along those lines, and I thought that that must've been the case since I asked on a weekend, and never responded back so I assumed she wasn't interested, okay I can at least still be friends, so after apologizing, canceling, and moving on, she texts me shortly after saying that she would like to, but didn't have the time and actually did make time for me, and we both agreed on what date we would meet up to hang out. Granted, she texted me like a whole day later, but it was paragraphed and she explained why she was busy. Though I feel like a clown responding to her in like literally 3 seconds after she responds back a whole day later. Like she gives me 10%, I'm giving back 50%.All I'm hoping for is that, I don't fuck up and just genuinely have a good time with her later this week. But I really think I squandered any chance of us being a thing because I let my dick do the thinking and took advantage of her comfort zone, which I already regret. And I still don't know what I want to do. Like I want to have a great friendship with her, I also want to have a relationship with her, and an even greater sex life with her and just be an overall great boyfriend (I'm sure I wouldn't be the best, far from it, but I'll try damn hard to make it work by communicating and see how we can solve it). But I'm rushing way too fast than what I would like, and it's one of the worst things I hate about how horny I am. I mean I've always been sexually attracted to girls, but never romantically unless I knew them and realized we clicked pretty well. And as a person, she puts a lot of effort into the relationship, she does so many little things that she doesn't have to do just out of the kindness of her heart and it's honestly the cutest thing, that it would brighten any person's day. And I want to do the same for her, she has one of the most beautiful smiles I've ever seen. And she's based.God this is actually embarrassing to read now that I'm proofreading... I apologize in advance for this cringe.