How do I ask for more affection and emotional closeness/feeling of safety?

I have been dating someone for several months now and while he is a very caring person, he is not affectionate and not very verbally expressive in making me feel close or safe.

He equates affection to sex so only during sex is he very physically affectionate but that ends soon as sex is over. This is causing me to feel unsafe and missing that feeling of emotional closeness and day to day intimacy.

I come from a very dry/no affection household and my last long term relationship was very unhealthy in every way so I struggle with how to feel safe and emotionally close to another person. He also grew up in a very dry home too.

I have tried saying “I need more affection” but I don’t think he knows how to do that and where to start. He has asked “how do I make you feel more safe emotionally/physically?” but I wasn’t quite sure how to explain it.

I recently saw in a show that a woman said she felt safe when her boyfriend put his hands on her waist and it kinda made sense to me but I don’t know exactly why.

How do I explain to my boyfriend what I need and what are some things I can ask for specifically that can be ways he can be affectionate and make me feel more emotionally close to him? How can he make me feel safer?



Submitted December 12, 2021 at 01:14AM

I have been dating someone for several months now and while he is a very caring person, he is not affectionate and not very verbally expressive in making me feel close or safe.He equates affection to sex so only during sex is he very physically affectionate but that ends soon as sex is over. This is causing me to feel unsafe and missing that feeling of emotional closeness and day to day intimacy.I come from a very dry/no affection household and my last long term relationship was very unhealthy in every way so I struggle with how to feel safe and emotionally close to another person. He also grew up in a very dry home too.I have tried saying “I need more affection” but I don’t think he knows how to do that and where to start. He has asked “how do I make you feel more safe emotionally/physically?” but I wasn’t quite sure how to explain it.I recently saw in a show that a woman said she felt safe when her boyfriend put his hands on her waist and it kinda made sense to me but I don’t know exactly why.How do I explain to my boyfriend what I need and what are some things I can ask for specifically that can be ways he can be affectionate and make me feel more emotionally close to him? How can he make me feel safer?
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