why does it feel like i (27f) am the only one who becomes progressively more sexually excited about romantic partners the longer we’re together, not less?

TLDR i think intimacy (trust, closeness) is more sexually exciting than novelty, but i feel like an outlier in a dating culture that puts so much emphasis on the courtship phase, & little focus on building/sustaining a real bond. wondering if any folks feel similarly & can offer me insight or advice!

to preface, i am a very sexual person, & my sexuality is an important part of my emotional & spiritual identity. i don’t necessarily identify as demisexual, because i do experience attraction to people i don’t know well, but the type of sex i want a lot of is very intimate & emotional. i want to feel like i am touching on something deep, real, & true within myself & another person when we’re f*cking.

as additional context, i identify as socially monogamous, but i’m pretty ambivalent about sexual monogamy as long as i’m having lots of passionate sex with my primary partner, i feel like i can trust them, & i’m confident our relationship/bond takes precedence over other forms of sexual exploration. i have experience navigating a nonmonogamous relationship w a primary partner, ultimately we weren’t compatible for other reasons but i loved how radically honest our sexual bond felt. my favorite part of the nonmonog dynamic was going out on dates with other people, then immediately coming back to my partner & feeling a renewed passion & commitment to them (something about being in a strong, stable relationship where your partner cherishes you, respects your sexual autonomy, trusts your judgment & loyalty, and you feel you can trust them to honor & respect you in return is just… swoon)

all of this to say, i suspect that since intimacy/closeness is a higher priority to me than novelty, my “honeymoon phase” level of sexual interest in partners lasts longer than it does for many of my peers. people are endlessly interesting to me, i identify as monogamous bc i feel like i could spend a lifetime focused on one person’s interior world & still learn new things about them all the time, & that idea of “choosing” someone & being chosen to do that work together excites me.

don’t get me wrong, i definitely enjoy some aspects of the beginning stages of a relationship - i love staying up all night talking, learning about someone’s life & telling them about mine for the first time. the uncertainty & unfamiliarity of it all can be exciting. but even so, my initial honeymoon phase attraction doesn’t dissipate as months pass. getting to know someone better & building a more secure, vulnerable bond feels incredibly sexy to me. granted, the longest relationship I’ve been in thus far was 2 years - I know attraction wanes over long-term relationships and I don’t expect to remain ravenously attracted to anyone for the entire span of our relationship. but I’ve encountered lots of people who seem oriented toward an exciting, all-consuming courtship phase, and then a normalization phase where the sex drops off. for me, that’s where it’s just getting started!

has anyone else experienced similar themes in their sexual/romantic life? have you found partners who can match & reciprocate your energy?

Submitted October 28, 2021 at 12:38AM

TLDR i think intimacy (trust, closeness) is more sexually exciting than novelty, but i feel like an outlier in a dating culture that puts so much emphasis on the courtship phase, & little focus on building/sustaining a real bond. wondering if any folks feel similarly & can offer me insight or advice!to preface, i am a very sexual person, & my sexuality is an important part of my emotional & spiritual identity. i don’t necessarily identify as demisexual, because i do experience attraction to people i don’t know well, but the type of sex i want a lot of is very intimate & emotional. i want to feel like i am touching on something deep, real, & true within myself & another person when we’re f*cking.as additional context, i identify as socially monogamous, but i’m pretty ambivalent about sexual monogamy as long as i’m having lots of passionate sex with my primary partner, i feel like i can trust them, & i’m confident our relationship/bond takes precedence over other forms of sexual exploration. i have experience navigating a nonmonogamous relationship w a primary partner, ultimately we weren’t compatible for other reasons but i loved how radically honest our sexual bond felt. my favorite part of the nonmonog dynamic was going out on dates with other people, then immediately coming back to my partner & feeling a renewed passion & commitment to them (something about being in a strong, stable relationship where your partner cherishes you, respects your sexual autonomy, trusts your judgment & loyalty, and you feel you can trust them to honor & respect you in return is just… swoon)all of this to say, i suspect that since intimacy/closeness is a higher priority to me than novelty, my “honeymoon phase” level of sexual interest in partners lasts longer than it does for many of my peers. people are endlessly interesting to me, i identify as monogamous bc i feel like i could spend a lifetime focused on one person’s interior world & still learn new things about them all the time, & that idea of “choosing” someone & being chosen to do that work together excites me.don’t get me wrong, i definitely enjoy some aspects of the beginning stages of a relationship - i love staying up all night talking, learning about someone’s life & telling them about mine for the first time. the uncertainty & unfamiliarity of it all can be exciting. but even so, my initial honeymoon phase attraction doesn’t dissipate as months pass. getting to know someone better & building a more secure, vulnerable bond feels incredibly sexy to me. granted, the longest relationship I’ve been in thus far was 2 years - I know attraction wanes over long-term relationships and I don’t expect to remain ravenously attracted to anyone for the entire span of our relationship. but I’ve encountered lots of people who seem oriented toward an exciting, all-consuming courtship phase, and then a normalization phase where the sex drops off. for me, that’s where it’s just getting started!has anyone else experienced similar themes in their sexual/romantic life? have you found partners who can match & reciprocate your energy?