How do I figure out if my concerns are valid or if I’m trying to protect myself from getting hurt again after an emotionally abusive relationship

I (25F) have been seeing this guy (27M) for a month. We live about an hour from each other, but we talk every day and see each other roughly once a week. He isn’t 100% my type physically, which I don't mind because I’m still very attracted to him, and we have great chemistry, but he’s just kind of weird sometimes. Some of the things he says or does make me think “what the actual fuck” to myself. This is the only thing “issue", but it’s just making me so confused about how I feel. I got out of an emotionally abusive relationship a few months ago and have been in therapy for over a year, and my therapist mentioned that it could mean he isn't the one for me since I’m so hung up on it, or it could mean that I’m trying to find the one thing wrong to not get attached and get hurt again. Has anyone gone through something similar after a traumatic relationship? Am I trying to sabotage my happiness, or is this something to pay attention to? I know no one is perfect (God knows I'm not either), but I guess I'm intrigued to see if anyone has any dating success stories after an abusive relationship and how you learned to trust yourself and your thoughts again after being gaslighted and demeaned for years.

As I said, we have great chemistry, and 80% of the time he’s cool, and nothing weird happens, but that 20% throws me for a loop. Other than the occasional weirdness, a lot of our values line up, we can talk for hours on end, and are very comfortable with each other. Only other slight issue is he has some commitment issues so who know where this will even go but I'm just confused on navigating my OWN feelings at the moment.

TL;DR Guy I'm seeing is overall pretty great, but can be weird as shit sometimes. Confused if I'm trying to find the one thing "wrong" to protect myself from getting attached after an emotionally abusive relationship or if this is a sign we aren't meant to be together since I'm so hung up on it.



Submitted October 08, 2021 at 12:07AM

I (25F) have been seeing this guy (27M) for a month. We live about an hour from each other, but we talk every day and see each other roughly once a week. He isn’t 100% my type physically, which I don't mind because I’m still very attracted to him, and we have great chemistry, but he’s just kind of weird sometimes. Some of the things he says or does make me think “what the actual fuck” to myself. This is the only thing “issue", but it’s just making me so confused about how I feel. I got out of an emotionally abusive relationship a few months ago and have been in therapy for over a year, and my therapist mentioned that it could mean he isn't the one for me since I’m so hung up on it, or it could mean that I’m trying to find the one thing wrong to not get attached and get hurt again. Has anyone gone through something similar after a traumatic relationship? Am I trying to sabotage my happiness, or is this something to pay attention to? I know no one is perfect (God knows I'm not either), but I guess I'm intrigued to see if anyone has any dating success stories after an abusive relationship and how you learned to trust yourself and your thoughts again after being gaslighted and demeaned for years.As I said, we have great chemistry, and 80% of the time he’s cool, and nothing weird happens, but that 20% throws me for a loop. Other than the occasional weirdness, a lot of our values line up, we can talk for hours on end, and are very comfortable with each other. Only other slight issue is he has some commitment issues so who know where this will even go but I'm just confused on navigating my OWN feelings at the moment.TL;DR Guy I'm seeing is overall pretty great, but can be weird as shit sometimes. Confused if I'm trying to find the one thing "wrong" to protect myself from getting attached after an emotionally abusive relationship or if this is a sign we aren't meant to be together since I'm so hung up on it.
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