/u/Ace_justvibin on i think i might be asexual

Hey there!

I had a very similar experience to the one you described, aside from me being a guy - I vaguely remember a 'crush' when I was like 5 or 6, and beyond that the most attraction I've felt to another person is along the lines of "When/if I get a girlfriend, it'll be someone like her". The criteria for that was basically be a girl and be enjoyable to hang out with, certainly no butterflies or "strong and strange urges" as I'd had them described to me.

Celebrities were the same too; I could tell which ones were attractive, but it didn't and doesn't actually mean anything to me. It's more like I've just built up the mental image of what other people find attractive so I know what they're talking about.

It's perfectly fine to ask questions if you're not sure about something (hell, you could even say that's the best time to be asking questions), so no need to worry about that.

Unfortunately, I can't really offer any reassurance in terms of turning points. It's just very difficult, I think, to rationalize being certain that you'll never feel attracted to anyone. Sure, I never felt sexual attraction so far, but how can I know that I'm not just a late bloomer? It'd be almost a decade late at this point, but I can never know for sure.

I've mostly just committed to living in the moment and identifying with the label that best describes my experience so far. Maybe tomorrow it turns out I was wrong, I see some girl or guy that makes me finally understand what everyone was talking about, but there's no point in me holding my breath for that. I've been growing more sure over time that I'm asexual, as I've come more to terms with it especially over the last year.

Which slots neatly into your last question; for the longest time, I very much was not aware of what asexuality is. I spent at least, oh, four years or so, thinking I was just emotionally or otherwise stunted and just somehow messed up. Everyone around me was going at it like rabbits, or at least wishing they were, and I just didn't see the appeal of it. I can't speak for everyone of course, but in my direct environment of high school boys, sexual attraction and alleged experience or prowess was a very important topic, and not knowing why anyone even cared was a bit confusing, to say the least.

It wasn't until I was like, 18 or 19, that I first came across the word asexuality and started considering it. At that point I'd already resigned myself to being single, but it was very much resignation, rather than acceptance. A year or two of just having that in the back of my head, then I learning about it, reading about it, and generally familiarizing myself with the concept, and I finally felt comfortable at least admitting to me that I was very likely ace. Communities like this one helped me massively in ramming home the idea that I'm not alone in this.

If I absolutely had to pick a turning point, it'd be when I was 19, I'd been turning over idea of asexuality in my head already but wasn't ready to accept it at all as applying to me (I had some baggage associating LGBTQ+ terms with myself due to being what might be called a 'shitlord' in my adolescent years), so I talked myself into "giving it a shot" so that at least I'd know what I was missing out on. Absolutely would not recommend that course of action; a girl who was traveling with our group had beeb fairly blatantly flirting at me so I figured why not, started reciprocating, and as soon as we moved beyond just making out into some heavy petting (clothes still on, thankfully, hands roaming under though) it just struck me how insanely uncomfortable I was with the situation, how little I wanted to continue, and just how much the whole thing was not remotely enjoyable.

To conclude this whole thing, I'd recommend you just stick with asexuality for a while as a term for describing yourself. It sounds like it fits you, and if you feel like it fits you, well, that settles it.

Even if at some later point you discover that you're actually demi or straight or bi or anything else, well, it's not like you have to sign anything to be ace. There's no obligation to be asexual forever, if you later discover you're not ace. The way I see it is as a journey of self-discovery. You're not quite sure what the destination is (nobody is), you're just out on the journey trying to find the place that fits you best. Maybe that's asexuality, and you stay with the community forever. Maybe after a while at asexuality you realise it doesn't quite fit and you pack up and move on. Doesn't mean you were wrong to stop here, after all, the journey is important too, not just the destination, it just means that another place might suit you better. You can't know that though, until you stop over.

So learn about asexuality (can highly recommend a book called "The invisible orientation : an introduction to Asexuality" by Julie Decker), look at the FAQ on this sub, ask around, read people's experiences, feel it out. If it resonates with you, that's great, if not quite, well, you still learned something, so that's no waste, and I'd be the first to wish you luck on the next leg of your journey.

June 21, 2021 at 11:58PM