I was already thinking of breaking up, he wants to stay with me but open the relationship?

Sorry for the long post y'all, I tried my best to make it short haha

TLDR; Live-in boyfriend has been distant for months, I wasn't happy and thinking about breaking up (not knowing what to do) when he finally told me he wants an open relationship. I'm not fully opposed to the idea, but don't feel secure enough, or confident in his communication skills to make it work.

So, last year me (26F) and SO (26M) moved to another country together, without any friends or family in the new place. We were best friends in high school and had a crush on each other, got into the same uni, started dating and have been together ever since, almost 7 years now. We work on the same field, have a million friends/work mates in common etc. When we moved, we had just been through a rough patch in the relationship, but came back stronger than ever and I was extremely happy, feeling like a lot of our issues (especially regarding trust) were being solved. However, we moved because of grad school and I quickly became very busy, I'll admit I got pretty absent in the relationship and he was in a bad situation.

When COVID hit, I assumed I would finally be able to spend more time with him, enjoy our new home, regain what we missed since we moved. I started working on our home, cooking new recipes, enjoying being here and trying to spend time with him, but he seemed very distant. This grew more and more - he started sleeping on the couch, was showing zero desire to have sex with me, woke up very late and went straight to his headphones to listen to podcasts etc. I tried to talk to him quite a few times, he would tell me vaguely that the pandemic was affecting him, I asked how (wanting to understand) and he wouldn't go in depth about it. We had some arguments about house chores (I felt he wasn't doing enough, he felt I wasn't doing enough), but that was it. I said we could go on walks together, he agreed and seemed excited but never actually wanted to go.

He started to get busy as well, classes resumed and I felt the same distance, but at least now he seemed healthier mentally so I was happy for him. He started hanging out (in person) with some people and that started to bother me because of COVID, he clearly thinks I'm overreacting by taking this seriously and wanting to stay in. This turned into a few more arguments, I felt like he wasn't taking my health seriously.

Meanwhile, he stayed distant. I started wondering if I could handle two years of this distance in our relationship, as long as grad school would last, but it got harder and harder as the months went by. Two weeks ago I decided to look at apartments, I know I definitely can't afford to live somewhere by myself and even splitting an apt with a roommate would be more expensive (since it would probably be a two-bedroom) but by doing that I realized that I can't live like this anymore. I decided to talk to him - without mentioning that I was strongly considering breaking up and leaving - and said I wasn't happy with our relationship, that I felt he resented me for being absent after we moved but I couldn't go back in time and I'm sorry. We talked a bit, nothing too deep, I still felt like he wasn't sharing something with me, that he wasn't open and willing to work on these issues, but I also felt tired of this.

On the next day he said he needed to tell me something. He told me he really wanted to be with other people, he wanted to explore other possibilities and have less responsability, and asked me if I would be okay staying in this relationship knowing that, if we don't open up, we would eventually break up since he needs to act on this. He said that's the reason he's been so distant, that he felt he couldn't share that with me but he couldn't avoid it anymore.

I'm not strongly opposed to ENM, I actually read quite a bit about it, follow some IG accounts etc. I don't believe in the "relationship script", soulmates, am not super possessive, always encouraged him to go out etc. Truth is, this is my first long term relationship and I’ve been open from the start to create our own rules, which is different from him. He had already had a bad experience in a relationship and brought a lot of that trauma with him (for example, we never celebrate anniversaries and he’s never wanted to talk about it, even though I told him it was important to me). I feel anxious about adding that extra sauce to this relationship. I would say intellectually I love the idea of more freedom, but I don't know if I'm ready emotionally. I've been controlling in the past but feel like I've improved greatly, in terms of jealousy I believe I'm very chill. However, over the years (before we moved) we've had issues that I felt like he betrayed my trust and flirted with other people, and that did trigger a lot of jealousy because I knew he lied to me. He's had a lot dishonest moments, I haven't felt any specific lies with me since before we moved (which is why I was happier, feeling like we were figuring things out) but I see him lying to other people, something I really don't think is cool. Plus I'm a pretty busy person and this seems like such a time investment... All of that, plus the clear lack of communication from his side, makes me very insecure about exploring a non-monogamous relationship with him. And it has been like this for a while - we've actually talked about this in the past, but I felt the same way, not enough trust for me to feel comfortable with it. I’ve never told him I’m strictly monogamous because I don’t find that to be true, but I don’t feel safe to try it out right now (especially in a pandemic, lol).

It's clear to me that he doesn't want to break up. I asked if he wants to move out and he said no, that he loves our life together, and since he told me about wanting to be with other people he's been very sweet, tells me I'm pretty, he loves me, wants to spend time with me, etc. Everything I wanted over the last months. We’ve been talking bit by bit as days go by, and I told him yesterday that this sounds like we should split our ways. He should go have the experiences he wants, I should focus on my life and what I want to do, if I find someone I like great but if not that’s okay too. He asked me what that meant long term, if we would still live together and make plans. He seems so confused.

But I feel confused too - I don't think opening up the relationship at a low is a good idea. I already wasn't happy, feeling like he wasn't present, and to me it sometimes sounds like he wants to be single (no responsabilities etc) but doesn't want to leave because he loves me. I can't stop wondering if this is just a fantasy of his, a grass is always greener on the other side situation (I think everybody feels some sort of FOMO by being in a relationship, but some people decide it's not worth it to risk it), especially because when we spent some time apart last year he didn't hook up with anybody, and I feel like there's a component of sexism there, he thinks I've apparently never felt that too. Which of course I have, but I’ve decided that I wanted to be with him instead of being single and am okay with the consequences that comes with that choice. But in the end why he feels that way doesn’t matter, I don't even know if this is all worth my effort of spending long hours talking to him, wondering if I can make an open relationship work... I would be down to >talk< about an open relationship but not like this, feeling that I either accept it or it's over, and that I was already unhappy, he doesn’t tell me how he’s feeling etc. At the same time, we've been through rough patches before and I love him very much, he's my favorite person to spend time with and I love our life together, our home, how our careers intertwine. And I know quarantine/COVID/grad school just made things worse, I feel like we haven’t worked out quite a few things. So pretty much he’s confused, I feel this is unfair to me but I can’t leave this apartment right now due to money. Do I just have to accept that this is over and I deserve more? It's so hard to let go of this relationship, I was really trying to make it work. How are we going to be roommates until someone finds a way to move out… This is crazy. I’m pretty lost honestly, not sure of how I feel, what I should do.

Submitted December 07, 2020 at 11:49PM

Sorry for the long post y'all, I tried my best to make it short hahaTLDR; Live-in boyfriend has been distant for months, I wasn't happy and thinking about breaking up (not knowing what to do) when he finally told me he wants an open relationship. I'm not fully opposed to the idea, but don't feel secure enough, or confident in his communication skills to make it work.So, last year me (26F) and SO (26M) moved to another country together, without any friends or family in the new place. We were best friends in high school and had a crush on each other, got into the same uni, started dating and have been together ever since, almost 7 years now. We work on the same field, have a million friends/work mates in common etc. When we moved, we had just been through a rough patch in the relationship, but came back stronger than ever and I was extremely happy, feeling like a lot of our issues (especially regarding trust) were being solved. However, we moved because of grad school and I quickly became very busy, I'll admit I got pretty absent in the relationship and he was in a bad situation.When COVID hit, I assumed I would finally be able to spend more time with him, enjoy our new home, regain what we missed since we moved. I started working on our home, cooking new recipes, enjoying being here and trying to spend time with him, but he seemed very distant. This grew more and more - he started sleeping on the couch, was showing zero desire to have sex with me, woke up very late and went straight to his headphones to listen to podcasts etc. I tried to talk to him quite a few times, he would tell me vaguely that the pandemic was affecting him, I asked how (wanting to understand) and he wouldn't go in depth about it. We had some arguments about house chores (I felt he wasn't doing enough, he felt I wasn't doing enough), but that was it. I said we could go on walks together, he agreed and seemed excited but never actually wanted to go.He started to get busy as well, classes resumed and I felt the same distance, but at least now he seemed healthier mentally so I was happy for him. He started hanging out (in person) with some people and that started to bother me because of COVID, he clearly thinks I'm overreacting by taking this seriously and wanting to stay in. This turned into a few more arguments, I felt like he wasn't taking my health seriously.Meanwhile, he stayed distant. I started wondering if I could handle two years of this distance in our relationship, as long as grad school would last, but it got harder and harder as the months went by. Two weeks ago I decided to look at apartments, I know I definitely can't afford to live somewhere by myself and even splitting an apt with a roommate would be more expensive (since it would probably be a two-bedroom) but by doing that I realized that I can't live like this anymore. I decided to talk to him - without mentioning that I was strongly considering breaking up and leaving - and said I wasn't happy with our relationship, that I felt he resented me for being absent after we moved but I couldn't go back in time and I'm sorry. We talked a bit, nothing too deep, I still felt like he wasn't sharing something with me, that he wasn't open and willing to work on these issues, but I also felt tired of this.On the next day he said he needed to tell me something. He told me he really wanted to be with other people, he wanted to explore other possibilities and have less responsability, and asked me if I would be okay staying in this relationship knowing that, if we don't open up, we would eventually break up since he needs to act on this. He said that's the reason he's been so distant, that he felt he couldn't share that with me but he couldn't avoid it anymore.I'm not strongly opposed to ENM, I actually read quite a bit about it, follow some IG accounts etc. I don't believe in the "relationship script", soulmates, am not super possessive, always encouraged him to go out etc. Truth is, this is my first long term relationship and I’ve been open from the start to create our own rules, which is different from him. He had already had a bad experience in a relationship and brought a lot of that trauma with him (for example, we never celebrate anniversaries and he’s never wanted to talk about it, even though I told him it was important to me). I feel anxious about adding that extra sauce to this relationship. I would say intellectually I love the idea of more freedom, but I don't know if I'm ready emotionally. I've been controlling in the past but feel like I've improved greatly, in terms of jealousy I believe I'm very chill. However, over the years (before we moved) we've had issues that I felt like he betrayed my trust and flirted with other people, and that did trigger a lot of jealousy because I knew he lied to me. He's had a lot dishonest moments, I haven't felt any specific lies with me since before we moved (which is why I was happier, feeling like we were figuring things out) but I see him lying to other people, something I really don't think is cool. Plus I'm a pretty busy person and this seems like such a time investment... All of that, plus the clear lack of communication from his side, makes me very insecure about exploring a non-monogamous relationship with him. And it has been like this for a while - we've actually talked about this in the past, but I felt the same way, not enough trust for me to feel comfortable with it. I’ve never told him I’m strictly monogamous because I don’t find that to be true, but I don’t feel safe to try it out right now (especially in a pandemic, lol).It's clear to me that he doesn't want to break up. I asked if he wants to move out and he said no, that he loves our life together, and since he told me about wanting to be with other people he's been very sweet, tells me I'm pretty, he loves me, wants to spend time with me, etc. Everything I wanted over the last months. We’ve been talking bit by bit as days go by, and I told him yesterday that this sounds like we should split our ways. He should go have the experiences he wants, I should focus on my life and what I want to do, if I find someone I like great but if not that’s okay too. He asked me what that meant long term, if we would still live together and make plans. He seems so confused.But I feel confused too - I don't think opening up the relationship at a low is a good idea. I already wasn't happy, feeling like he wasn't present, and to me it sometimes sounds like he wants to be single (no responsabilities etc) but doesn't want to leave because he loves me. I can't stop wondering if this is just a fantasy of his, a grass is always greener on the other side situation (I think everybody feels some sort of FOMO by being in a relationship, but some people decide it's not worth it to risk it), especially because when we spent some time apart last year he didn't hook up with anybody, and I feel like there's a component of sexism there, he thinks I've apparently never felt that too. Which of course I have, but I’ve decided that I wanted to be with him instead of being single and am okay with the consequences that comes with that choice. But in the end why he feels that way doesn’t matter, I don't even know if this is all worth my effort of spending long hours talking to him, wondering if I can make an open relationship work... I would be down to >talk< about an open relationship but not like this, feeling that I either accept it or it's over, and that I was already unhappy, he doesn’t tell me how he’s feeling etc. At the same time, we've been through rough patches before and I love him very much, he's my favorite person to spend time with and I love our life together, our home, how our careers intertwine. And I know quarantine/COVID/grad school just made things worse, I feel like we haven’t worked out quite a few things. So pretty much he’s confused, I feel this is unfair to me but I can’t leave this apartment right now due to money. Do I just have to accept that this is over and I deserve more? It's so hard to let go of this relationship, I was really trying to make it work. How are we going to be roommates until someone finds a way to move out… This is crazy. I’m pretty lost honestly, not sure of how I feel, what I should do.