/u/BlunderFishes on How to not make it sound like I'm being coerced??

I’m also a (non-sex-repulsed) ace married to an allo, and it can be an interesting negotiation! I agree with a previous poster about initiating. You might not think to initiate sex in the natural course of things, but think of initiating as something special you can do for her to make her feel loved and wanted. I don’t claim to know either your personal preferences, but an intimate (read: sexy) gift might also fit the bill. It sounds like she heard the “I don’t need sex to be happy” fact loud and clear, so now maybe you can stress how much you enjoy it when it happens. Unless it becomes an issue, you probably don’t need to remind her any more that you don’t need it.

It can be hard because we want to be honest and share all of our thoughts and feelings with the person we feel closest to, but when an ace and an allo are negotiating sexual terrain, it’s a lot like speaking a two different languages. It has helped with my partner to frame it as a communication issue rather than an intimacy issue. I have come out and said very bluntly, “I’m always down for sex if you want it, unless I have a stomach ache or something.” Which helps, but tbh me initiating things is probably the best demonstration.

It sounds like you care about each other very much and you each seem very considerate of and responsive to the other’s needs. If you continue that way, I think you’ll be fine once she feels more secure in the relationship. ☺️





November 23, 2020 at 11:26PM
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