How do you know it's not a crush?

This has been typed out after months and months of thinking (or overthinking if that's more accurate).

First, here's a few things about me. I'm a single extrovert (ENFP in particular if you're one of the people who wonder about those) who's never been in a relationship with anyone and yet I know my way around when it comes to dealing with people of all sorts. I have this habit where I keep analysing every single detail, gestures made by people, the way they talk, etc. I used not to be like this but because of traumatizing experience and multiple melancholic ordeals I've been through in my life, I came into a certain agreement with myself that something had to change. I became a better version of myself despite never going through any therapy sessions (or at least that's what I'd like to believe—you'll find out why those brackets are here in a bit).

I used to be sensitive as fuck, but, like I said, something had to change. I stopped crying over every little thing I used to cry over like a baby. I mastered that to the point where people who have known me for a while now have never seen my crying/angry/nervous face.

Nowadays, when a person fucks with me, it doesn't really get to me or affect my life/day in any way and I'd just be like, "dude's got a problem. Whatever."

It's basically that I became familiar with all the horrendous shit people put you through sometimes (or all the time). I take my hat off for you if you're still reading up until this point. You're probably wondering how any of the above has anything to do with the title of this post. Patience, homie. We're almost there. I did say before that I'm the type of person who does some deep, deep analysis of things—what did you expect?

Anyways, back to the point. I talked about the crap you get from people sometimes and how it doesn't affect me, right? Well, last year, I got to know a terrible person who was irresponsible, entitled, rude, senseless, impatient, annoying, etc. And I didn't really mind because...who gives a fuck about him? He's not worth the attention. So, I never gave it to him. I actually didn't really need that person to get to where I needed so I managed on my own, worked all alone and I made it to the top without him. He left the place we see him at and we never heard of him again.

End of the story? I don't think so. Flashforward to this year where I met a person who does the same job as the mean one who left. The only difference is that he was much more patient, sincerely passionate about his duties, high-key charismatic, sweeter than honey, and even a devil would proudly become an angel when they see how much of a hard worker he is. Because of him, I have turned from a lazy cow to a workaholic. And when I say I'm workaholic, I don't mean the negative definition that leads you into thinking that my life got ruined because of it. No, it didn't. Do you know why? It's because I, somehow, managed to turn into who I am willingly. This person is a real life magician. Everyone loves him very much and it's as if he's a celebrity. I'm saying that because lots and lots of people keep surrounding him, talking to him, taking pics of him and even hanging out with him.

It's been a while since I've got to know this person, but it's only been recently when we actually saw each other's faces in real life since most of what we did all along was online through Zoom. All the "celebrity vibes" behaviors where after we met him.

And now...we get to the most important part of this post. My feelings. You are definitely guessing that I'll be asking whether I have a crush on him or love him, right? Man, I won't go ahead and say you're wrong, but remember the part where I said I used to be very sensitive? When I said I stopped being a crybaby? The surprise is that I went back to being that. I suddenly became the extremely sensitive person I once was. When I didn't get enough attention from that person, tears would always find their way out of my eyes. They never came out when I was with the rude person. It was at this moment when I realized that not having therapy was a bit of a problem. At least that was what I thought at first since I never really got offended by anyone else when they didn't give me the attention I needed. It was just HIM who made me cry when he's been nothing but a wonderful person. The question I was asking myself was why I got angry every time he talked and laughed with a girl while I was just standing there, looking at them. I don't hate anyone but I'd hate that girl at this moment.

I know I'm stating the obvious. I just thought something was wrong. I became very sensitive because of that person's presence in my life. I cry every day when I feel like I don't exist in his world or when he forgets about me or doesn't see my messages on Zoom or WhatsApp. I broke my rules about not having any social media accounts and I installed Instagram especially for him when I knew that he replied to DMs faster there. When I tapped the "follow" button on his profile, I took it back again and the next thing I knew was that I was feeling "empowered" just because he followed me and I didn't follow him back. This was seriously absurd. It still is because I was acting weird. I mean, what the actual fuck? What was I doing exactly?

I met him today and ended up crying in my mom's car again. I wasn't ready to cry but, when Mom asked me about what's wrong and why I seemed so upset, the tears just rolled down my cheeks again. I didn't get it. I didn't understand why I was crying just because I didn't get to walk out of the building with him like that other girl who kept walking with him and talking casually because they knew each other from before. I didn't know why I was being like this because...usually, like I stated earlier, I'd just think of it as a silly little shitty thing and then carry on with my life. But this? There was nothing shitty about it to begin with and I was acting like there was while I didn't understand the reasons behind my actions.

And that's when I got astonished by Mom's straightforwardness. She said, "dear, I know we all get to have a crush on a person from time to time, and that's okay but...you can't fall for a person you know he wouldn't love you back. It will just hurt you."

Yes. That cliche conversation with your Mom in soap operas. Me denying that it was "nothing like that" and saying that she was delusional and that it was the other girls who had a crush on him but not me. Her saying that she saw all the signs and that it wasn't just a crush.

And now there's also me at 2:00 AM, rethinking everything all over again and typing this since 7:00 PM but falling asleep with red, puffy eyes while doing it.

I started acting weird ever since I knew this person. I was behaving in a way I never thought I would. I've never had a crush on a person nor did I fall for anyone before. I'm still single and I have no experience with any relationships or even feelings like the ones I'm having at the moment. I was doubting that I had depression or something because I even lost weight and there were days where I was insomniac. I knew from the start that people won't always notice your existence and I was okay with that and I actually adapted to things being this way. But all of this was ruined after knowing that person.

So, I'm asking again...

How do you know it's not a crush? I thought that the problem was with me at first but then what Mom said today hit me so hard that it was all I was thinking about throughout the day. I looked back at how I acted since the day I knew him and, magically, everything was revolving around him in one way or another. If I'm eating noodles, I'd be like, "does person X like noodles?" If I'm working out, I'd think, "how does person X work out to get those muscles?" When I go to the cafe he usually goes to, I'd imagine myself meeting him coincidentally, which, amazingly, just happened two days ago. And I took advantage of my extroverted side to actually go to him and talk about...anything really. I somehow managed to improvise something on the spot. Talked hilariously and made him laugh...which I kinda felt proud of for some reason. But here's another thing I realized. This person was the only one I trembled while talking to, and he was the hardest to make eye contact with. I'm saying this, not as an anxious person who struggles with people, but as one who knows nothing but how to deal with people and is forced to deal with them on a daily basis. I didn't understand why I'd tremble or get that tickling feeling in my stomach...the one you get when you're about to come up the stage and perform something in front of so many people. It was weird because I didn't have a problem with being on stage and talking in public. I was capable of doing that. What I was not capable of, however, is acting normally around that person. I'd feel stupid when I stand in front of him and suddenly run out of things to say. He stares at me, eyes full of questions, and I'd just say I was done with what I wanted to tell him.

I know you might be laughing at the screen of your phone while reading this, but listen here. You're laughing because you've probably been through this before, if not more. But here? Me? No. No, no, no. I have never been through this, and because I never was, I'm sorting out everything here to see what people who know about those things would say.

And now...

If it's a crush, how long will it take for those feelings to fade away?

If it's not a crush, what am I supposed to do about it?

Thank you for actually reading until this line. Had to say all of this somewhere and I figured this sub would be the best.

Submitted October 14, 2020 at 12:34AM

This has been typed out after months and months of thinking (or overthinking if that's more accurate).First, here's a few things about me. I'm a single extrovert (ENFP in particular if you're one of the people who wonder about those) who's never been in a relationship with anyone and yet I know my way around when it comes to dealing with people of all sorts. I have this habit where I keep analysing every single detail, gestures made by people, the way they talk, etc. I used not to be like this but because of traumatizing experience and multiple melancholic ordeals I've been through in my life, I came into a certain agreement with myself that something had to change. I became a better version of myself despite never going through any therapy sessions (or at least that's what I'd like to believe—you'll find out why those brackets are here in a bit).I used to be sensitive as fuck, but, like I said, something had to change. I stopped crying over every little thing I used to cry over like a baby. I mastered that to the point where people who have known me for a while now have never seen my crying/angry/nervous face.Nowadays, when a person fucks with me, it doesn't really get to me or affect my life/day in any way and I'd just be like, "dude's got a problem. Whatever."It's basically that I became familiar with all the horrendous shit people put you through sometimes (or all the time). I take my hat off for you if you're still reading up until this point. You're probably wondering how any of the above has anything to do with the title of this post. Patience, homie. We're almost there. I did say before that I'm the type of person who does some deep, deep analysis of things—what did you expect?Anyways, back to the point. I talked about the crap you get from people sometimes and how it doesn't affect me, right? Well, last year, I got to know a terrible person who was irresponsible, entitled, rude, senseless, impatient, annoying, etc. And I didn't really mind because...who gives a fuck about him? He's not worth the attention. So, I never gave it to him. I actually didn't really need that person to get to where I needed so I managed on my own, worked all alone and I made it to the top without him. He left the place we see him at and we never heard of him again.End of the story? I don't think so. Flashforward to this year where I met a person who does the same job as the mean one who left. The only difference is that he was much more patient, sincerely passionate about his duties, high-key charismatic, sweeter than honey, and even a devil would proudly become an angel when they see how much of a hard worker he is. Because of him, I have turned from a lazy cow to a workaholic. And when I say I'm workaholic, I don't mean the negative definition that leads you into thinking that my life got ruined because of it. No, it didn't. Do you know why? It's because I, somehow, managed to turn into who I am willingly. This person is a real life magician. Everyone loves him very much and it's as if he's a celebrity. I'm saying that because lots and lots of people keep surrounding him, talking to him, taking pics of him and even hanging out with him.It's been a while since I've got to know this person, but it's only been recently when we actually saw each other's faces in real life since most of what we did all along was online through Zoom. All the "celebrity vibes" behaviors where after we met him.And now...we get to the most important part of this post. My feelings. You are definitely guessing that I'll be asking whether I have a crush on him or love him, right? Man, I won't go ahead and say you're wrong, but remember the part where I said I used to be very sensitive? When I said I stopped being a crybaby? The surprise is that I went back to being that. I suddenly became the extremely sensitive person I once was. When I didn't get enough attention from that person, tears would always find their way out of my eyes. They never came out when I was with the rude person. It was at this moment when I realized that not having therapy was a bit of a problem. At least that was what I thought at first since I never really got offended by anyone else when they didn't give me the attention I needed. It was just HIM who made me cry when he's been nothing but a wonderful person. The question I was asking myself was why I got angry every time he talked and laughed with a girl while I was just standing there, looking at them. I don't hate anyone but I'd hate that girl at this moment.I know I'm stating the obvious. I just thought something was wrong. I became very sensitive because of that person's presence in my life. I cry every day when I feel like I don't exist in his world or when he forgets about me or doesn't see my messages on Zoom or WhatsApp. I broke my rules about not having any social media accounts and I installed Instagram especially for him when I knew that he replied to DMs faster there. When I tapped the "follow" button on his profile, I took it back again and the next thing I knew was that I was feeling "empowered" just because he followed me and I didn't follow him back. This was seriously absurd. It still is because I was acting weird. I mean, what the actual fuck? What was I doing exactly?I met him today and ended up crying in my mom's car again. I wasn't ready to cry but, when Mom asked me about what's wrong and why I seemed so upset, the tears just rolled down my cheeks again. I didn't get it. I didn't understand why I was crying just because I didn't get to walk out of the building with him like that other girl who kept walking with him and talking casually because they knew each other from before. I didn't know why I was being like this because...usually, like I stated earlier, I'd just think of it as a silly little shitty thing and then carry on with my life. But this? There was nothing shitty about it to begin with and I was acting like there was while I didn't understand the reasons behind my actions.And that's when I got astonished by Mom's straightforwardness. She said, "dear, I know we all get to have a crush on a person from time to time, and that's okay but...you can't fall for a person you know he wouldn't love you back. It will just hurt you."Yes. That cliche conversation with your Mom in soap operas. Me denying that it was "nothing like that" and saying that she was delusional and that it was the other girls who had a crush on him but not me. Her saying that she saw all the signs and that it wasn't just a crush.And now there's also me at 2:00 AM, rethinking everything all over again and typing this since 7:00 PM but falling asleep with red, puffy eyes while doing it.I started acting weird ever since I knew this person. I was behaving in a way I never thought I would. I've never had a crush on a person nor did I fall for anyone before. I'm still single and I have no experience with any relationships or even feelings like the ones I'm having at the moment. I was doubting that I had depression or something because I even lost weight and there were days where I was insomniac. I knew from the start that people won't always notice your existence and I was okay with that and I actually adapted to things being this way. But all of this was ruined after knowing that person.So, I'm asking again...How do you know it's not a crush? I thought that the problem was with me at first but then what Mom said today hit me so hard that it was all I was thinking about throughout the day. I looked back at how I acted since the day I knew him and, magically, everything was revolving around him in one way or another. If I'm eating noodles, I'd be like, "does person X like noodles?" If I'm working out, I'd think, "how does person X work out to get those muscles?" When I go to the cafe he usually goes to, I'd imagine myself meeting him coincidentally, which, amazingly, just happened two days ago. And I took advantage of my extroverted side to actually go to him and talk about...anything really. I somehow managed to improvise something on the spot. Talked hilariously and made him laugh...which I kinda felt proud of for some reason. But here's another thing I realized. This person was the only one I trembled while talking to, and he was the hardest to make eye contact with. I'm saying this, not as an anxious person who struggles with people, but as one who knows nothing but how to deal with people and is forced to deal with them on a daily basis. I didn't understand why I'd tremble or get that tickling feeling in my stomach...the one you get when you're about to come up the stage and perform something in front of so many people. It was weird because I didn't have a problem with being on stage and talking in public. I was capable of doing that. What I was not capable of, however, is acting normally around that person. I'd feel stupid when I stand in front of him and suddenly run out of things to say. He stares at me, eyes full of questions, and I'd just say I was done with what I wanted to tell him.I know you might be laughing at the screen of your phone while reading this, but listen here. You're laughing because you've probably been through this before, if not more. But here? Me? No. No, no, no. I have never been through this, and because I never was, I'm sorting out everything here to see what people who know about those things would say.And now...If it's a crush, how long will it take for those feelings to fade away?If it's not a crush, what am I supposed to do about it?Thank you for actually reading until this line. Had to say all of this somewhere and I figured this sub would be the best.