Have you ever felt like you can't "give" anymore (emotionally, sexually)? That you only care about your own needs after being subjected to too much one sidedness/partners with emotional/mental problems? How did you overcome this?

THE PROBLEM: I can't give anything to men anymore emotionally or sexually. Not validation, not pleasure, not patience, not after years of having all my vulnerability, trust, patience, and openness used against me by men who listened to what I'd been through in the past, truly appeared to care about it, then proceeded to put me through the same chronic neglect I've already suffered through - which arose through giving guys chances to build trust, attraction, and intimacy, yet the outcome was that my feelings towards them on these issues decreased instead of increasing, before I ended it.

THE EXPERIENCES: I tried to date guys I felt moderate attraction to, hoping to build a relationship, and each time it's gone downhill because of their lack of REAL response to my emotional and especially sexual needs.

The worst part is after sharing my past experiences (saying 'I experienced this, so don't want to again') new guys I've tried to give chances to genuinely were into me and truly seemed to be motivated with providing me with what I needed, but it seems it was just an emotional pipe dream for them THAT THEY THEMSELVES falsely believed in, as if they thought being with me would motivate them. But there was no action from them on meeting my needs, or they'd use my emotional/sexual needs to solve their own emotional problems (being a "saviour" to feed an unhealthy codependent Self identity that was reliant on external validation for self esteem - only one partner was like this, but it was manipulating to discover that his efforts weren't about my needs, but rather, his own).

It's just so creepy and violating to find partner after partner into me, yet it's like it's all a theory. They TRULY seem to be inspired and to want a future with me, yet it all seems to rely on me not noticing how their words and they way they feel about me does not translate into any fulfilled reality.

THE WORST PART: It's not like discovering they're not into me, it's like discovering they don't even know or understand themselves and are using me to resolve their own deep seated feelings of inadequacy -> THIS right here is what makes me not able to engage optimistically with men anymore. THIS is just so creepy I can't handle it anymore.

It's so fucking creepy that I can't even imagine feeling open to developing emotional or sexual feelings that aren't really superficial towards men now. AND I don't feel like validating, supporting, giving pleasure.

THE GUYS AND THEIR ISSUES: All of these guys have been very different from each other, but the one thing they all turned out to have in common was low self esteem, except for one, who was judgemental/emotionally unavailable. I honestly didn't think guys in their 20s/30s having low-self esteem was THAT terrible, because I honestly believed that they would move towards self-esteem through their own efforts (instead of using other people, like me for instance). I am not sure WHY I believed this - probably because I've been doing it against the odds my entire life, and somehow naively believed EVERY person with low-self esteem that's still young is TRYING to find the courage to get their own self-esteem authentically. AND, here's the other thing - these guys seemed so stoked about the opportunity for a relationship THAT THEIR LOW SELF-ESTEEM WAS COMPLETELY HIDDEN by their refreshed excitement for life with me now in it.

So, QUESTION 1: Has anyone experienced feeling unable to give after dealing with too many partners that don't seem to know/love themselves? If so, how have you overcome it?

QUESTION 2? Is the answer related to their low self esteem? If so, how can you be sure a man DOESN'T have low self esteem when the prospect of a relationship with a woman they admire and desire often affects their true vision of themselves, and their ability to love and connect? These guys really seem to forget about their low self worth and project a falsely optimistic self identity to themselves and me when we start dating. How do defend myself against this falsehood before I invest?

Submitted October 10, 2020 at 12:22AM

THE PROBLEM: I can't give anything to men anymore emotionally or sexually. Not validation, not pleasure, not patience, not after years of having all my vulnerability, trust, patience, and openness used against me by men who listened to what I'd been through in the past, truly appeared to care about it, then proceeded to put me through the same chronic neglect I've already suffered through - which arose through giving guys chances to build trust, attraction, and intimacy, yet the outcome was that my feelings towards them on these issues decreased instead of increasing, before I ended it.THE EXPERIENCES: I tried to date guys I felt moderate attraction to, hoping to build a relationship, and each time it's gone downhill because of their lack of REAL response to my emotional and especially sexual needs.The worst part is after sharing my past experiences (saying 'I experienced this, so don't want to again') new guys I've tried to give chances to genuinely were into me and truly seemed to be motivated with providing me with what I needed, but it seems it was just an emotional pipe dream for them THAT THEY THEMSELVES falsely believed in, as if they thought being with me would motivate them. But there was no action from them on meeting my needs, or they'd use my emotional/sexual needs to solve their own emotional problems (being a "saviour" to feed an unhealthy codependent Self identity that was reliant on external validation for self esteem - only one partner was like this, but it was manipulating to discover that his efforts weren't about my needs, but rather, his own).It's just so creepy and violating to find partner after partner into me, yet it's like it's all a theory. They TRULY seem to be inspired and to want a future with me, yet it all seems to rely on me not noticing how their words and they way they feel about me does not translate into any fulfilled reality.THE WORST PART: It's not like discovering they're not into me, it's like discovering they don't even know or understand themselves and are using me to resolve their own deep seated feelings of inadequacy -> THIS right here is what makes me not able to engage optimistically with men anymore. THIS is just so creepy I can't handle it anymore.It's so fucking creepy that I can't even imagine feeling open to developing emotional or sexual feelings that aren't really superficial towards men now. AND I don't feel like validating, supporting, giving pleasure.THE GUYS AND THEIR ISSUES: All of these guys have been very different from each other, but the one thing they all turned out to have in common was low self esteem, except for one, who was judgemental/emotionally unavailable. I honestly didn't think guys in their 20s/30s having low-self esteem was THAT terrible, because I honestly believed that they would move towards self-esteem through their own efforts (instead of using other people, like me for instance). I am not sure WHY I believed this - probably because I've been doing it against the odds my entire life, and somehow naively believed EVERY person with low-self esteem that's still young is TRYING to find the courage to get their own self-esteem authentically. AND, here's the other thing - these guys seemed so stoked about the opportunity for a relationship THAT THEIR LOW SELF-ESTEEM WAS COMPLETELY HIDDEN by their refreshed excitement for life with me now in it.So, QUESTION 1: Has anyone experienced feeling unable to give after dealing with too many partners that don't seem to know/love themselves? If so, how have you overcome it?QUESTION 2? Is the answer related to their low self esteem? If so, how can you be sure a man DOESN'T have low self esteem when the prospect of a relationship with a woman they admire and desire often affects their true vision of themselves, and their ability to love and connect? These guys really seem to forget about their low self worth and project a falsely optimistic self identity to themselves and me when we start dating. How do defend myself against this falsehood before I invest?